UCLA demands suffrage for non-citizens; California Legislature respondsg

Sacramento, CA - The California Legislature today approved SB 66, the MARVIN Act, Mexican Authority Relocate Voting Interests Now. MARVIN, if signed by Governor Schwarzenegger, will transfer all state government authority to Mexico City. This bill was a response the UCLA study, released yesterday, which recommended voting rights for non-citizens. Stated one legislator: "Why stop at letting non-citizens vote? Why not just hand over all political power to their home country?"Governor Schwarzenegger has responded cautiously to the MARVIN Act, which would effectively end his term as Governor, as well as the terms of every elected official in the state.

"This Act will help to provide a more equitable situation for California's non-citizen population, this is true," Schwarzenegger said at a press conference. "We want to help them; I want to be a champion for fairness and equality and all those sorts of things. But I need time to review this new law, and make sure that it is best for me, and for all Californians."

Republicans in the California legislature have thrown in the towel. "People elected these wacko Democrats to public office to represent them," Senator Tom McClintock told reporters. "Let them deal with the crap these legislators spew out. Screw you guys, I'm leaving the country."

McClintock's sentiments were echoed by numerous California Republicans, many of whom had indeed booked flights out of the state, or out of the country.

Sunspots, Coronal Mass Ejections on Sun are work of terrorists

Hot on the heels of theories that international terrorists are to blame for the raging California wildfires, NASA has stolen the headlines: extraterrestrial terrorists have launched attacks on Earth, using our Sun as their weapon."Early this morning, NASA space satellites recorded one of the largest coronal mass ejections from the sun that we have ever seen," NASA Kennedy Space Center director James Kennedy announced. "Upon further examination of the video and photographic evidence, we found that an extra-terrestrial craft, approximately the size of Rhode Island, approached that region of the sun, emitted some kind of electromagnetic radiation that we've never seen before, and departed at an incredible velocity just seconds before the ejection."

Officials with NASA, in cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security, are urging citizens to react cautiously to the news. "There is no evidence that the more than 2 billion tons of solar material headed towards Earth will cause any more than temporary disruptions in communications, from a few hours to possibly half a day."

Other scientists paint a grimmer scenario: "This disruption in communications is likely to precede their invasion force. Once they've rendered our communications systems ineffective, we cannot react to their invasion in a coordinated matter," said Ralph Johnson, professor of astrophysics at MIT.

Whatever their motives are, these extraterrestrials clearly have their eyes set on Earth. We will know within a day if their intention is communication or conquest.

NASA sends Coca Cola into Space; Pepsi Disappointed

U.S. space agency cautions that Coke was chosen for chemical properties and is not necessarily the beverage of choice for all researchers at NASA.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL (AP) - On Monday, at 9:17pm EDT, NASA launched a rocket to place a satellite into orbit. This satellite has a curious payload -- six cans of Coca Cola.

"This satellite contains a total of twenty scientific experiments, including the Coke," says Sean Livingston, a NASA scientist. "But the Coke experiment is by far the most fascinating."

Through this experiment, scientists hope to further expand our knowledge of the effects of cosmic rays on carbonated beverages. We currently know very little of the nature of cosmic ray interactions with beverages, carbonated or otherwise.

"If this study proves to be a success, which we can only imagine it will," continued Livingston, "then our next step will be to send an alcoholic beverage into space next. We are currently in talks with Jack Daniels, pursuing this next step."

Excluding the researchers salaries, this experiment has cost taxpayers, a total of $4.7 million, which paid for the special motion-damping suspension, the intra- and extra-can sensors, and the six pack of Coca Cola. The scientists assure us that the payoff from this research though will be priceless.

Pepsi officials declined to comment on the significance of this study, and would only say that Pepsi would have been a better choice. Meanwhile, Pepsi has announced a new relationship with the European Space Agency to study the effects that "weightlessness has on the hip, cool attitude of our Pepsi cola soft drink."

A/C Blamed for high death rate in Southwestern U.S.

Anonymous Reader writes:

Scientists at the University of Arizona at Tucscon have blamed air conditioning as the main cause of cancer in the warm desert southwest of the United States.

Researchers in the biochemistry program at the university ran a study to determine what was at the root of skyrocketing death rates in the region. "When we began the study, we were at a complete loss to explain the high death rate from cancer in the desert southwest," said Philbert Johnson, professor of microbiology. "The death rate in the region is five times per capita of that of the U.S. as a whole."

Relying on forensic investigative techniques, and sometimes a little dumb luck, the scientists forged on with their research. The entire effort lasted over five years, tracking the lives of nearly two hundred people from the Tuscon and Phoenix metro areas.

"We made very thorough inquiries into all of our subjects, keeping careful track of any variables that might skew our results," Dr. Johnson announced. The variables the study accounted for were marital status, home size, number of children, number of grandchildren, number of cars, daily calorie intake, daily salt intake, vitamin and mineral intake, and golf score.

"We could find no correllations between any of these factors and the high incidence of cancer," Johnson continued. "We were practically banging our heads against the wall of our office...when it hit us -- a cold breeze."

The scientists, chilled by their office air conditioner, checked their subjects records: 96% of them had central air cooling in their households, and all but one of the rest had a window-mounted air conditioning unit.

"We went over the numbers again and again, and it just made sense: the air conditioning was killing these people. We actually had 30 people in our study group die over the course of the study."

The scientists are urging people across the southwestern U.S. not to turn up the temperature of their air conditioning, but to turn the air conditioner off completely. "We have no evidence supporting a lower death rate correllating with a warmer A/C temperature. The very presence of an operating air conditioner appears to be the underlying factor. Please, turn off your air conditioner if you value your life!"

US Border Patrol Captures Osama Bin Laden near Canadian Border

"Weird Al"-Qaeda disguise fools onlookers but not border patrol agents

Niagra Falls, NY (AP) - The United States Border Patrol has finally captured Osama Bin Laden as he attempted to enter the country from Canada, disguised as "Weird Al" Yankovic. Officials had long believed Bin Laden was still hiding in caves in the mountains of Afghanistan, but it appears he had managed to sneak out of that country and into Canada, in an attempt to reach U.S. soil. See an exclusive photo in the full story.

Bin Laden had prepared an elaborate disguise, purporting himself to be none other than "Weird Al" Yankovic. This "Weird Al"-Qaeda disguise fooled many onlookers, but aroused the suspicions of the border patrol agents stationed on the U.S. side of Niagra Falls.

The disguise, complete with an accordion, Hawaiian-style shirt, and a chicken hat, gave Bin Laden what he felt was the perfect cover. But keen-eyed agents recognized his face as one of those on the FBI's Most Wanted Terrorist list.

President Bush praised the border patrol agents for their sharp eyes and quick thinking, which have prevented Bin Laden from performing any further acts of terrorism on United States soil. "Without the diligent work of these tireless defenders of freedom, terrorists would be roaming freely in our country. I, and all Americans, salute them for their bravery and fortitude in this war on terrorism," Bush said, as he conferred his praise.

Bin Laden will be transferred to Camp Delta, the Guantanamo Bay detention facility for questioning, and is due to stand trial for cimes against humanity.

The FBI questioned "Weird Al" Yankovic in connection with the investigation of Bin Laden's capture, but officials have announced that Yankovic has cooperated fully and is not a suspect. Byzantine News sources have revealed that Yankovic reported an accordian missing three months ago, of the same model found on Bin Laden. Yankovic reportedly lost the accordion at a concert in upstate New York.

Gubernatorial Debate hosted by Jerry Springer Ends Predicatably

Media, voters not surprised as latest California debate ends with bitch slaps, torn shirts, and accusations of sleeping with other candidates wives/husbands/secret lovers.

California voters saw it coming when Jerry Springer announced that he'd arranged for a debate with the leading gubernatorial candidates in the state's recall election. The debate started off well enough. Members of the studio audience asked the candidates questions, ranging from how to jump start the state's sluggish economy, to whether the candidates social beliefs were even relevant in this race. Then things turned ugly.

Cruz Bustamante had just finished explaining his stance on gay rights in California, when Jerry announced he had a special guest back stage who had something he wanted to share with Cruz. It turned out to be Jorge Gambona, a former comrade from MeCHA, who'd shared an intimate sexual experience with Bustamante; he wanted to rekindle their relationship, but Bustamante would have nothing of it.

When Gambona lept for Bustamante, Schwarzeneggar cut in, grabbed Gambona by the collar and dragged him offstage. "I'll be back," he announced as he went to the door to toss Gambona into the street.

McClintock meanwhile defended himself against the allegations that he has had sex with chickens. The audience booed him as he tried to change the subject towards the state's failing workers compensation system.

Ariana Huffington, officially no longer running attended the debate anyway, and announced that she would have slept with Arnold to boost her own campaign. The Terminator denied having any interest in her, and Arnold's wife ran from her seat in the audience, slapping Huffington and tearing off her blouse before she was restrained.

Springer's final word was sobering:

When politicians bicker and brawl, it's the voters who pay. The politicians who run the fine state of California owe it to their constituency to make the best decisions on their behalf. When they fight, we all lose.

Transcripts of the show are available at www.jerryspringer.com, and a DVD/VHS video will be available in two weeks.

Director Kazan killed in Cable TV conspiracy

Anonymous Reader writes:

Director Elia Kazan was found dead in his home Sunday. If you're into classic movies, you might know some of his films: A Streetcar Named Desire, perhaps, or On the Waterfront. You may also know that he had ties to the Communist Party, and that he testified to the House Committee on Un-American Activities after World War II about the party's supporters and activities in Hollywood.

Ninety-four year-old Kazan did not die of natural causes. Kazan was murdered in his own home. The proof, you ask?

Turner Classic Movies aired a celebration of Kazan's life, showing three of his films on Sunday -- A Streetcar Named Desire, On the Waterfront, and Baby Doll.

But you say there's nothing unusual about that. Television stations often honor those actors and directors who have passed away, and left their mark in Americana.

But how did TCM know they would be celebrating Kazan's life two weeks before his death? If you picked up a TV Guide or the television section of your local paper, you might have noticed these movies scheduled. You see, TV Guide requires stations to send their schedules two weeks in advance. How could they have known when he would die, indeed.

Elia Kazan perhaps earned his fate when he turned on his own Hollywood comrades and ratted them out to the U.S. government in the midst of the red scare. But we can't merely let his death pass us by without wondering who is next on the chopping block. Check your TV Guides....

Lemur: The other white meat?

Diminutive primate from Madagascar is latest food craze in Europe, Asia.

The ring-tailed lemur, Lemur catta, has become the most-requested food item in the world. Once a fad that started amongst safari tourists in South Africa, a lemur platter can now be found at dinner parties in Hungary, Lichtenstein, Mongolia, and dozens of countries around the world.

Lemon-roasted lemur accounts for over 80 percent of lemur dinners, according to a survey by Food Survey Research Group. Most other lemur is deep-fried, though many people have experimented with various recipes.

William Greeley, of the Lonesome Cowboy restaurant in Chapel Hills, Portugal, explains the flavors his patrons savor: "Lemon-roasted lemur is a staple here, obviously. But our chefs love to experiment, and we've served many nightly specials that have met with great success, including Jack-Lemur, where we cook the lemur in a Jack Daniels whiskey sauce, and serve it with a side of garlic mashed potatoes and a glass of whiskey. People loved the Jack-Lemur so much we've made it our Wednesday special!"

Deep-fried Lemur on a Stick has proven incredibly popular at carnivals and festivals, replacing Twinkies and corn-dogs as the favorite deep-fried on-a-stick food choices.

Even environmentalists are satisfied with the Lemurs. "Not only do they taste great, but they're being raised and slaughtered in an ethical manner," said Ralph Miggat of the World Wildlife Fund. Lemur farms in Madagascar have received praise from the WWF and Greenpeace for their environmentally sound practices.

It's only a matter of time before the lemur craze hits the Americas. Analysts expect it to be well received, and American food companies pledge to provide their consumers with the meat they want.

California Immigration Scandal Exposed!

Laws seemingly passed to help illegal immigrants actually sponsored by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security as a way to round up illegal aliens and deport them; Minority groups outraged

San Clemente, CA - Julio Ramirez showed up Monday at his neighborhood DMV, eager to apply for a California state driver's license, now that Governor Gray Davis has passed a bill allowing undocumented non-citizens to obtain drivers licenses. What he found instead was armed National Guard troops, rounding up illegal immigrants for deportation to their home countries.

Julio's fate was shared by thousands of illegals across the state as federal agents and National Guard troops detained these people for questioning and deportation.

Tom Ridge, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security made this stunning revelation at 3pm PDT on Monday:

California's pro-illegal immigrant laws were nothing more than a way to entrap illegal aliens in our country, so that we may remove them. These bills were developed within the Department, and provided to California legislators to introduce into their legislative process.

Frankly, we were surprised with how well these bills were received. We felt that the legislators would see right through them, for what the bills are -- a way to make it far easier to enforce existing Federal immigration laws.

The California Democrats took the bills adopted them right into their liberal socialism strategies and plans. We at the Department of Homeland Security couldn't have been more pleased.

All illegal aliens detained by our troops and agents will be questioned and promptly deported to their country of origin.

California Democrats are outraged, while Republicans praised the Federal government for using these new California laws to root out illegals in our country.

Outside of Sacramento, legal residents of California still don't understand why the Democrats were so in favor of these laws. One citizen on the street had this to say:

Even if the Democrats couldn't realize that this was sponsored by the Department of Homeland Security, they should have spotted some errors in their rationale.

I mean, first off, why is a state sponsoring legislation that runs completely counter to federal laws? By doing so, they risk losing out on money normally provided by the U.S. government.

Second, why would their constituents support such legislation? Presumably, the Democrats get most votes from minorities. It's the case that many minorities make less money than white people. So see if you can follow along with this: we're giving more rights and privileges (free college education, drivers licenses) to illegal immigrants. This is only going to make more illegals want to cross over. These undocumented workers often get paid paltry amounts, usually under the table. With a steady stream of people who will accept this low pay, there's no pressure on employers to pay better. But the illegals get free college! They get to better themselves...at the expense of the legal residents, and quite likely they'll displace the legal residents, leaving the legal, voting minority citizens in worse shape than before illegals were given all these privileges? How the Dem's pulled that over their heads, I don't know.

California legislators pledge to stop smoking crack

"Illegal Immigrants driving? Going to our schools for free? What were we thinking?"

Sacramento, CA - The Democrat majority of California's legislature announced Saturday their plans to stop smoking crack and start cracking down on stupid laws they've already passed.

"All I can say is that they sounded like good ideas at the time. I can honestly say that the Democratic majority of California's state government realizes now why [cocaine] is illegal," said California Senate Majority Leader Don Perata, explaining to the state's citizens why the government has been passing such non-sensical laws recently.

Majority Whip Richard Alarcón added: "First we decided to give driving rights to illegal immigrants. Then we gave them free college tuition. Thank God we came to our senses before we voted on Governor Davis' latest idea, giving all the illegal immigrants 3,200 square foot homes in Malibu."

Governor Gray Davis meanwhile has vehemently denied rumors that he pressured his fellow Democrats into smoking crack in the first place. "I can assure you that I have no involvement in their crack cocaine addictions. What they do on their own time, or while the legislature is in session, is strictly up to them and their constituents. If they are smoking crack, it must be because the voters of California want it this way."

When asked if he thought using illicit drugs in the halls of government was a good idea, Gray waffled around the question: "Now as I've already stated, this is obviously the will of the California voters. Whether this is a good idea or not is up to them. As their governor, I am responsible for signing or vetoing the bills provided to me by the legislators. It is not my job to decide whether these laws are good, moral laws."

California Republicans have unconditionally condemned the smoking of crack cocaine within the legislature. Republican leaders have expressed their outrage, and announced a formal investigation, possibly resulting in criminal trials on behalf of the citizens of California.

Betty Crocker Sues 261 Recipe Sharers

Food industry giant tackles copyright violators

Betty Crocker, a subsidiary of General Mills, on Friday delivered subpoenas to two hundred sixty one people, accusing these people of massive copyright violation for sharing recipes with friends and family. If these claims prove true, each person will be liable for up to $150,000 per recipe illegally copied.

Sharon Bauer, 35, of Livingston, Indiana, had no idea that sharing these recipes would get her into any trouble. "I found the recipes on the BettyCrocker.com website," Sharon says. "If General Mills doesn't want people using their recipes, why would they make the recipes freely available on the Internet? And I always share all of my favorite recipes with my family, because I know that we all enjoy similar foods and love to cook.

The Electronic Frontier Foundation, well known for advocating people's rights on the Internet, has weighed in on this issue, giving this statement to the press: "These lawsuits are completely frivolous and a waste of the courts' time. General Mills has not been harmed at all by this so called 'rampant recipe sharing.' Why would General Mills decide to sue its own consumers, who regularly purchase General Mills products at the supermarket to use in these very recipes? This strategy is sure to backfire on them."

Indeed, the media has grabbed ahold of this event, calling for Congress to convene and re-evaluate recent changes to copyright law, including provisions of the Digital Millenium Copyright Act (DCMA) and the so called Sonny Bono Copyright Term Extension Act, which further extended the period that works remain copyrighted before the enter the public domain.

General Mills' response to the media furor was presented at a press conference Monday: "General Mills, Inc. must pursue any copyright violations that infringe on our Intellectual Property rights. Without express written approval, it remains illegal for anyone to copy such content and distribute it. We are in fact only sending subpoenas to the people we have identified as the worst offenders, who have freely shared an unreasonably large number of our recipes with others, whether via email, fax, or hand-written recipe cards. We do plan on offering a Recipe Amnesty program, which "would require recipe sharers to admit in writing that they illegally traded recipes and vow in a legally binding, notarized document, never to do it again. These sharers would also be required to destroy any copies of recipes they already possess."

George Bush: Free Energy, Antigravity for All!

Washington, DC - Shocking the Department of Energy, and his entire Cabinet staff, George W Bush announced during his Saturday radio address that the laws of thermodynamics are complete "bullcrap" and that each and every legal citizen in the United States has the rights to free, limitless energy and the ability to break free from the Earth's gravity at will.

Citing a study be a senior staff aerospace defense engineer, George J. Bugh, Bush claimed that "It's obvious that this guy knows what he's talking about. I hear he's been studying this project for seven years. Plus, his name looks a lot like mine."

The President's radio address consisted almost entirely of an apparently pre-recorded reading with Bush's own commentary of a press release of sorts, entitled "Aerospace Defense Research finds Free Energy and Antigravity Possible." This release has been submitted to numerous online news sources, many of which have published the release in its entirety.

"There can be a hidden yet strong tendency towards harmony among all matter in the universe due to these unseen standing waves and spin interactions among all matter. This tendency can overcome to a great extent the tendency towards chaos and heat death of the universe," Bush read from the press release. Bush further commented, "Now I don't know about y'all folks out there, but I'm as afraid of dying from heat as I am from cold, so with free energy, we can all make sure we stay warm! Never again will anyone have to freeze to death! Provided they stay in a shelter operated by charitable organizations, of course, not goverment-run beaurocrats."

Bush read on: "Bugh describes inertial resistance to acceleration as caused by electromagnetic forces. Changes in position of a mass will cause phase differences to develop between the precessional motions of the particles of that mass relative to the sea of standing waves. This in turn causes electromagnetic force that resists a mass from changing its position," to which he wryly commented that it would be a shame to let those electromagnets force us to submit ourselves to our planet's gravity.

Bush encouraged listeners accross the country to purchase Bugh's book, which he named in his radio address, and urged America's scientists to pursue free energy, whatever the costs. "How many children must suffer and die in the heat death of the universe before scientists will be moved to help? Why should your President keep his feet on the ground, harnessed by Earth's gravitational attraction? Please, scientists: give me free energy! Free me from gravity's harsh pull! Free your children, let them float freely in the atmosphere! God Bless America!"

Weekly World News losing Key Zombie Demographic

Undead respond to allegations of terrorist ties

The undead population has called for a boycott of the Weekly World News
and the resignation of the executive management of the newspaper following publication of their August 7th issue featuring the article "Homeland Security Chief Warns Bush...Terrorists Recruiting Zombie Army to Invade US."

"Zombies are not terrorists," declared Ed Johnson, spokesman for the Zombies United For America campaign. "This story from [WWN] is nothing but blatant lies and the zombie community will not stand by as such horrible allegations are made."

Undead readership, which once made up a healthy percentage of the yearly subscribers to the newspaper, has dwindled to just 5% of the total readers, according to sources within Weekly World News, and continues to fall as the boycott enters its third week. ZUFA reps report that undead have largely turned to alternative news sources such as Byzantine Communications' own It's News, Dammit! publication.

ZUFA spokesman Johnson saysthat the group has not ruled out filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of subscribers, and is definitely pursuing a federal case of discrimination. "Zombies are not second-class citizens. Weekly World News could not have made such allegations against any other race or group without an enormous backlash, and this case is no different."

How to Cope with Lost Endorsements?

Dear Byzantine News Financial Experts,



Due to an upcoming felony sexual assault trial, several of the companies who have given me endorsement deals have pulled out of their contracts with me, or are considering it. This has left me in a very difficult situation, as I will now have to support my wife and daughter entirely on my more than ten million dollar NBA contract. How would you suggest I make ends meet?



Short on Cash B-ball Player
Dear Short on Cash,

We understand the hardships that a financial situation such as yours can cause, and we know that if you follow our advice, you will be able to make it through these rough times. We are not saying it will be easy, but we will help you to make the most of the dollars you have.

The first step you need to take is to examine your monthly budget. You can't expect to save money if you don't know exactly how you're spending it. You will need to sit down with your credit card statements, loan bills, and utility bills to see where your money is going. We've put together a sample for you below:

    Mortgage $25,000

   Auto Loans $11,200

   Electricity $ 1,250

   Internet Access $ 50

   Wild Parties $15,000

   Gasoline $ 2,500

   Dining Out $ 5,000

   Clothing $10,000

   Shoes $ 500

   Groceries $ 1,000

   Security System $ 400

   Sharpie Markers $ 50

   Whores for buddies $ 9,500

Figuring out your current budget is half the battle. Once you've identified where your money is going, now you can figure out where to cut to stay within your salary. First you need to identify what expenses are fixed (like your mortgage, or auto loan payments). Then for the rest of your expenses, you can decide whether you can cut them down, or eliminate them outright. For instance, you could very easily cut fifty dollars from your electric budget if you switch to energy-efficient fluorescent light bulbs in your homes. And if you set your friends up with some skanky sluts instead of expensive call girls, you could completely eliminate any prostitute-related expenses from your budget. That's a savings of nearly ten thousand dollars!

So just by taking these simple steps, we're confident that you can weather this difficult time in your career, and come out stronger, because you know now how to best spend your money. Good luck!

PETA publishes list of animals ''it's OK to eat''

In a radical departure from their fanatical support of animal rights and traditional pro-vegetarian/vegan diets, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have today published a list on their web site, www.peta.org, of animals that it's ok to eat.

PETA spokeswoman Rita Oppenstein explains: "We understand that our extreme views are hard for some people to swallow. Combined with our radical tactics for reducing unnecessary harm to animals, we've actually started to lose touch with mainstream America. Our newest campaign will help us to regain their support."

The list of animals for which PETA will no longer support the animals' rights includes seals, whales, shar-peis, emus, buffalos, and nearly a dozen other animals. Some animals that didn't make the cut: cows, parakeets, chickens, and pigs.

"It's not that we don't still care greatly about these animals," said Oppenstein. "We've just come to realize that we must pick our battles wisely. We can no longer expect our radicalism to reach the minds of America's youth, as well as the growing population of elderly Americans. So we've picked some animals that we felt could serve as animal martyrs, giving their own flesh to support the rights of all animals. This group of 'ok to eat' animals aren't the ugliest, but they're certainly not pretty; they're not the smartest, and they are not the tastiest -- but they will make for a good transition. We're going to ease Americans into an animal rights lifestyle, one meal at a time."

Not all PETA members support the new policy, even though Oppenstein claims it to be a temporary measure. Throughout the weekend, PETA headquarters were picketed by angry groups of ex-members. A new group was even formed in San Francisco: REPETA (Radically Enraged People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). REPETA vows to continue with the original, true intents and methods of those people who truly care for animals.

Eastern Orthodox Church concealed Alien Visits

Church reveals documentation of extraterrestrial visits that had remained under lock and key for nearly 1,500 years.

Ecumenical patriarch Bartholomew I today unveiled a startling set of documents that have remained out of public view for up to one and a half millenia. These documents, written on parchment, detail the visits by Aliens to the leaders of the Eastern Orthodox Church in the early years of its separation from mainstream Catholicism.

"With the release of these documents, we are willing to show the world that there is alien life, and they have played an integral part in maintaining our faith in God," Bartholomew I told a press conference in Istanbul.

These hereto secret documents were once only known to a select number of bishops within the Orthodox Church, and are comprised of the original accounts of the alien visits, as well as commentary by subsequent bishops. "The extra terrestrials were truly interested in helping us to maintain our spirtual well-being," Bartholomew I said. "They helped to show us the error of our ways, and reinforced our belief in maintaining the standard of living that Jesus himself would have us aspire to."

The Orthodox Church has asked the Catholic Church to examine the documents, and hopes that this revelation will help to foster a new era of cooperation between the religions, as both share nearly the same set of beliefs.

World will run out of Oxygen in 12 Years

Anonymous Reader writes:

Certain disaster looms in our future, says scientist, as we gradually deplete our atmosphere of O2.

Herman Broktendock, a professor of meteorology at the University of Mississippi, announced today at a class lecture his prediction that we will all be dead in 12 years. Student reactions varied; most felt it was an issue that we need to tackle starting right now.

"Like, Professor Broktendorf is a really smart guy," says Jason McDoogle, one of Broktendock's students. "They don't just make anyone a professor, you know. So like, if he says we're dead unless we stop using oxygen now, he's gotta be totally sure about it."

Broktendock's warning admonished auto manufacturers, who he claims are responsible for the problem.

"Car makers continue to produce cars burning fossil fuels; in fact, they produce more and more cars each year. How can they continue to do this, knowing that each car will burn several dozen tons of oxygen over its lifetime? It's reprehensible. Even President Bush's call for hydrogen-powered cars won't help. Sure, the cars will only produce water as an exhaust, but they still burn oxygen in the process."

Auto manufacturers responded to the professor's claims, telling reporters that they cannot be held responsible for the actions of automobile purchasers: "You don't go after the gun company because the gun's owner shoots someone, right? Same thing for a car: you can't go after us just because someone drives around and uses up the planet's breathable atmosphere."

Environmentalists have latched on to Professor Broktendock's research, heralding it as the evidence they need to pressure Congress to impose strict emissions laws, and require alternative fuels. Stocks of nuclear power plant manufacturers went up on the announcement, since nuclear power generation does not consume any atmospheric oxygen. Many other scientists have urged caution, and will not rush to support Broktendock's conclusions until they have been independently confirmed.

Wife Buys New Outfit; Already has Matching Shoes

Husband Stunned

Irvine, CA - A local man is in disbelief today after his wife returned home from a shopping trip for new clothes, and announced that she already has shoes to match her new outfit.

Adam Howard, 25, of Irvine, CA thought it was just another typical Saturday afternoon. "Boy was I wrong," he explained. "Kim returned home from a trip to the department store, and modeled her new outfit for me. And then she laid this shocking revelation: 'I already have shoes to go with it!'"

"I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. All I could say was 'What?'. So she repeated it, and I was just, like, stunned. I didn't know what to say."

It took Adam a few minutes to fully comprehend what was happening.

"It's just, amazing. She has to have 30 pairs of shoes," explained Adam. "Maybe 50, I don't know. I don't look in her closet that often. All I know is that every time she comes home with new clothes, she always says that she needs new shoes to match it."

Adam compared notes with his friends, and they too have never heard such words uttered by a woman. Kim feels that Adam is blowing this all out of proportion.

"Adam just doesn't get it," Kim told Byzantine News reporters. "You can just match any old shoes; even the most subtle difference in shoe style, shape, or color could totally ruin an outfit. But in this instance...I have shoes that fit those exact qualities that this outfit needs."

Artificial Intelligence experiment goes awry

Dayton, OH - Two hundred twelve lives and tens of thousands of man-hours were lost Saturday after an artificial intelligence experiment went horribly wrong. Full details have not been released yet by authorities, but reports by witnesses tell accounts of violence and bloodshed that security guards and police were unable to stop.

"It was the most horrible thing I have ever seen," according to James Davis, senior engineer on another project at the facility. "They had been testing a new bomb-defusing robot at the Northwest Lab all this week. They were nearly two months behind schedule. The programmers asked for more time, but the project manager felt the code was complete enough. He was wrong."

The first twelve test cases completed successfully, but the next caused a condition known as a buffer-overflow, overwriting the machines instructions with random garbage.

All seven members of the development team perished in the accident, as did over two hundred other researchers present at the facility that day.

"The facility alarms sounded as soon as the robot broke through the lab door," said Bill Roiley, a security supervisor at the research labs. "We tried to disable the robot, but were unsuccessful. It's built to withstand bomb blasts, and it's equipped with an array of blades, projectiles and explosive charges. I lost some of my best men to that machine, and all we achieved was a few dents in its panels."

The robot's rampage lasted four hours as it blasted or sawed through walls and doors, brutally killing any researcher in its path, and the brutality ended only as the robots battery began to fail.

"We really lucked out," said Roiley. "From what I understand, this thing was to be powered by a small nuclear pile rated for 30 years of continuous service, but budgetary cuts forced the use of lead-acid auto batteries for the testing phase. Had this thing had its intended battery, I fear what would have happened as the robot left the facility and ventured into the surrounding community."

Only those researchers and other staff who managed to hide from the robot's thermal imaging sensors were able to avoid a grisly fate as the robot took its turns through the facility. Police officials promise to release more details as the victims' families are notified.

European Union to Institute New Metric Calendar

The European Union has voted overwhelmingly to stop using the cumbersome 12 month, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, 60 minutes an hour and 60 seconds a minute calendar and, instead, use the new, more practical and easier to understand Metric calendar. Forget about minutes and seconds and ever hours now when you travel to Europe. The basic measure of time is now a Degra.

Creator Swedish astrologist Per Hourman explains his new simple-to-use calendar system.

"The basic unit of time is a Degra. It is equivalent to 100 American seconds. The time used to create a second is the same as the American system, but that is where this intelligent system skews. So a second is a centiDegra and there are a 100 centiDegras in a Degra which would be equivalent to an American minute but with more time in it of course. Now there are 100 Degras in a hectaDegra which is equivalent to an American hour but with more time again."

"Finally, there are 10 hectaDegra in a kilaDegra which is the similar unit to a day. Now in a normal American day there are 86,400 seconds, a complicated number, whereas in the new metric calendar there are 100,000 centiDegras in a kilaDegra, which is much easier to remember.

"Therefore because of the difference in time unit between the American calendar and the New Metric Calendar, the metric calendar is only 315 kilaDegras Long. Being that there are less unit kilaDegras than days, there are only 10 tulis or (months) in a libun which is equivalent to a year."

"The new tuli names are tron, bitron, tritron, quadtron, pentatron, hexatron, septatron, octatron, novatron, and decatron. Now since there are only 30 kilaDegras in a tuli and only 10 tulis in a libun that leaves only 300 kilaDegras. The other 15 KilaDegras are placed in the pseudo-tuli pseudo-tron which is place between the tulis on septatron and octatron.

"These 15 kilaDegras are all holidays to be used for festival."

A spokesperson for the EU commented about this new calendar system, "It is about time those pig Americans got something thrown back into their faces, the EU is not using that confusing calendar system anymore!" The new Metric calendar system will be implemented starting the beginning of libun 2004.

United States Military Unveils New Supercomputer

Skynet the wave of the Future!

Washington, DC – Senior Pentagon officials were happy to announce that years of intense research had finally paid off as the new government Supercomputer known as “Skynet” is ready for launch. Skynet will link all of the automated systems across the nation eliminating the chance for human error. While this is seen by many as a success for all, there are certain watchdog groups that are very upset with Skynet’s ability to tap into and control things as mundane and out of the military loop as your personal computer and the internet they see it as the government going to far.

“While we have not as yet announced and official roll out date for Skynet we are very excited by all the wonderful possibilities it offers,” said General Mark Williams, Assistant Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “Eliminating human error and streamlining our command and control processes will once again make it obvious why we have the best damn military in the world.”

Senior staffers at the White House said that the president who had initially been all for the startup of the Skynet system has cooled on it recently after watching a couple of movies his daughters had rented from Blockbuster to watch on “Family Night”. While some say it is possible that the president may again reverse his position many feel it is unlikely.

“He suddenly seemed really spooked by the project,” said one Senior Bush Administration Official. “When he took a good close look at some of the stuff he started really freaking out it was pretty weird. I really thought he was going to faint when he saw the design we came up with for these cyborg things the Pentagon had designed to protect Skynet. He really didn’t like the fact that we had used Arnold Schwartzennegger as the model for the design either. He kept screaming, ‘Do you asses watch movies, or do you just ignore everything around you.’ It was pretty freaky.”

Some in the Pentagon were initially worried about this since some of the systems needing to be turned over to Skynet needed Presidential approval, such as Nuclear and Undead controls, but already some things have been turned over to the system. As yet no disasters have been reported, though there was one near miss.

“I did get one odd command the other day,” said US Marine Colonel Robert Harris at the Guantanimo Bay base in Cuba. “It told us to kill all the Cubans and then one another. We almost started doing it when a counter order came down. I’m sure they just have to iron the bugs out.”

“Once we have President Bush, or the next President on board we’ll advance forward,” said General Williams. “The President’s concerns over Skynet becoming self aware and deciding we are its enemies is extremely unlikely. Once he realizes that Skynet will not in fact slaughter the human race in Nuclear fire on a day known as Judgment Day, he’ll sign off and we can get this thing started.”

Wisconsin Irradiates Welfare Recipients

Controversial Welfare-to-Work program tested experimental "work-inducing" radiation on jobless

Madison, WI - State officials and the University of Wisconsin - Madison Board of Regents admitted Wednesday to an experimental program conducted by a research group at the university which irradiated welfare recipients with several doses of so-called W-rays (work rays). The experiments, which took place in 1999, were funded by a collaborative effort including the State Department of Workforce Development and Monster.com.

"Project W, as it was known, was a failed attempt to decrease unemployment in the state by inducing a strong work ethic in the unemployed," Roberta Gassman, Secretary of the DWD, stated in a press conference. "The W-rays have shown proven results in animal laboratory experiments: rats and rabbits exposed to the radiation displayed marked improvements in problem solving and cooperation exercises. Human trials were authorized in the State's Balanced Budget Act of 1997, along with the creation of the Welfare-to-Work program."

The officials at the press conference revealed that the W-rays were administered through what appeared to be a metal detector at the entrance to the unemployment offices in Dane, Jefferson and Rock counties.

"Did Project W work? The results are unclear," said Jim McNeehan, an associate professor in the biophysics program at the university. "Those who received multiple full doses of the W-rays did not rejoin the workforce any more quickly than their control group counterparts, but those who received between one and three moderate doses did show a slight decrease in unemployed time. Clearly, further study is needed, with a larger sample group that was assigned for Phase 2."

Because of the state's impending $3.2 billion deficit, there is no money available to conduct Phase 2 of Project W, so it has been postponed. Phase 2 would have expanded the Project to all counties in the southern half of the state, and would have included aptitude and problem-solving tests for the experimental subjects, both before and after the radiation was administered.

Supporters of Project W say that the project will help the budget situation within a year, as welfare recipients return to work and generate more revenue for the state. They have started a petition to resume funding the project in the State's next biennial budget.

USAF Holds Top Secret Area 51 Garage Sale

Las Vegas, NV - Leaked governmental memos, heavily censored with black markers, indicate that the United States Air Force has been taking bids from other governmental agencies as well as NGOs (non governmental organizations) for equipment from the Groom Lake, Nevada facility popularly known as Area 51. Area 51 is widely believed to be the testing grounds for acquired alien technology.

One of the memos, acquired by Byzantine Communications reporters, seems to indicate that the Area 51 commanders have been actively soliciting bids on various items. None of these items are named; each is referred to only by a six digit number.

Sources within the White House said that the auction was by invitation only, and refused to name any invitees, saying only that several dozen "governmental agencies, universities, and corporations" were invited to participate.

The Area 51 facility has long been surrounded by controversy and fears of government conspiracy. There are few who have clearance high enough to enter the base, and no one who works there has been bold enough to leak any substantial proof of the technologies contained within. In fact, the memo obtained by Byzantine Communications is the most compelling piece of hard evidence obtained to date.

Military officials dismissed the memo as a forgery, and would not comment on whether the auctioned property was in any way related to accident that occurred at an Area 51 laboratory last month.

28 Days Later - Worst Sequel Ever

Star of the 2000 hit 28 Days, Sandra Bullock doesn't even make an appearance in the sequel.

It is a generally accepted rule that a sequel to a blockbuster movie will have a hard time living up to the stature of the first movie. House Party II wasn't as good as House Party, Rockie V didn't live up to the original Rockie flick, and Batman and Robin (1997) didn't even come close to Batman (1989, or for that matter, the original Adam West movie).

At least those movies kept the same general theme as the first movie. The sequel to 28 Days doesn't even fit in the same genre.

In 28 Days, Sandra Bullock's character Gwen must come to terms with the fact that she is an alcoholic, and overcome that problem in order to better her life. Gwen is battling with an inner conflict, and must recognize her own faults and the problems that her alcoholic lifestyle have caused not only for herself, but for those nearest to her. The audience feels deeply for Gwen, as the development of her character is none short of excellent.

28 Days Later, on the other hand, presents us with Jim (Cillian Murphy), freshly woken from a coma and forced to battle against people infected with a virus that awakens a murderous rage within them. There is no inner struggle at all -- how can you take time to consider the impact that your alcoholism, or your quick temper, or even your persistent stubbornness has on those around you, when the only thing that those around you want to do is kill you?

As a horror movie, 28 Days Later is above par. Not always downright scary, but ever thrilling, this movie will likely not fare as well with the fans of the first movie, who will likely already have dismissed this one, for lack of Sandra Bullock. If you overlook the fact that this movie is in fact a sequel, and look at it as though it were an original film not subsequent to the original film, you will certainly be able to accept this film on its own merits.

Rating: *** out of ****

(Even considering the alienation of 28 Days fans, this movie is worth seeing.)

Aliens consider issuing public apology

Washington D.C – Byzantine News sources here in Washington have uncovered a letter from high ranking Alien officials stating their intention to reveal their existence, and to apologize for their behavior towards humans. Contained with the letter is a rough draft of what the Aliens are planning to issue to all major news sources through the Associated Press sometime next week. Also it is said in the letter that a high ranking Alien official will consent to doing an interview with the New York Times, as the Aliens seek a respected and authoritarian paper with which to disseminate their multi-faceted agenda.

“Many have speculated that we may have built the pyramids,” said one excerpt from the letter. “This is untrue. In reality there was a group of us who decided it would be fun to act like gods…and so we forced your ancestors to build them. Sorry about that really.”

While many scientists and historians reeled at the information contained within these secret documents, and some denied their validity, others saw what was a very unpopular opinion suddenly proved correct or at least close to correct by these findings.

“Some of the things mentioned here I have to admit even I hadn’t considered,” said one historian. “However many of the things that are mentioned in this document back up what I have been saying for years. I think the University of Washington is going to regret revoking my tenure.”

The Aliens also plan to apologize for the following:

Anal Probes - "I know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. It ended up not teaching us much more about you than the fact that roughly 10% of you liked the process."

Cattle killing - "We don't really have meat where we're from...we were trying to figure out how to carve off a steak or maybe make a hamburger. As you can see the results were very messy at first."

Crop Circles - "All I can say on this one is Aliens have teenage children too. I hope enough said on that one."

Velcro - "It was suposed to be a funny joke...how did we know you guys would like that crap so much"

UFO Sightings - "Yeah that was us...did you really expect us to stop by because you spotted us though?"

FDA opens investigation of ''Weird Al''

Agency claims that singer promotes overeating, obesity.

Richmond. VA - The Food and Drug Administration announced
Tuesday that they are opening an investigation into popular singer ''Weird Al" Yankovic, alleging that his song lyrics are compounding the problems with overeating and obesity faced by nearly two-thirds of Americans.

FDA spokesman Richard Overland told reporters Tuesday that the Agency will consider demanding a total recall of all albums available in stores, and will even offer a cash refund to consumers in exchange for returning already-purchased CDs, cassette tapes, and vinyl records.

"Obesity has become a problem of epidemic proportions in the United States over the past twenty years," Overland explained, "and we believe that it is no coincidence that Mr. Yankovic has been producing music for this same amount of time."

Overland cites the lyrics of several "Weird Al" songs as problematic for the health of Americans. Most of these songs can be found on the album released as The Food Album, "a compilation of the worst offending songs by the artist," notes Overland.

"How do the following lyrics promote health?" Overland postured, then read the following from Yankovic's hit song, "Eat It":

Have some more chicken
Have some more pie
It doesn't matter
If it's boiled or fried

Just eat it, just eat it
Just eat it, just eat it... Woo!

When asked to comment on the pending investigation, Yankovic responded: "It's a parody, ok? That's protect speech, isn't it? I mean, c'mon!"

Sales of his latest CD, Poodle Hat, have been largely unaffected by the FDA announcement, despite the FDA's warning that constipation is a serious medical issue, and a warning that children may be tempted to imitate Yankovic's lyrics to "A Complicated Song," which deal with eating nineteen extra large pizzas.

Linux on X-Box team threatens Microsoft with Ultimatum

An anonymous hacker group has threatened to set hundreds of Undead against Microsoft if the Redmond, WA company does not release an official Linux boot loader for the X-Box. Unless Microsoft complies with the request within ten days, says the group, the company will face annihilation as its employees are devoured alive by the living dead.

The Australian hackers have already threatened to release their own Linux bootloader for the X-Box. Such a program would allow people to turn their X-boxen into cheap, full-fledged Linux PCs with the addition of a USB keyboard and mouse.

Microsoft has already filed a lawsuit against the group, claiming that the original boot loader threat amounts to corporate blackmail. An attorney for the company added that threats of bodily harm against the company and its employees will only add to the penalties the group will have to pay.

The Australian hacker group refuses to acknowledge questions about how it came into possession of the hundreds of undead it claims to control. US Military officials have vigorously stated that all of their undead soldiers are accounted for, and this has been confirmed by independent investigators. Russian officials had no comment about the whereabouts of all of its undead soldiers, which are rumored to number in the thousands.

World to End at Strike of Midnight

A Swedish monk has predicted today that the end is near. Very near. UPDATE - 8:30 am, PDT - The entire staff of It's News, Dammit! is pleased to announce that the world did in fact not end at midnight. We will therefore be able to continue our tradition of bringing you the news you need to know!

As the clock strikes midnight over a part of the Pacific Ocean, says Gunnar Lövdén, the world will come to an unspectacular, unclimactic end.

Lövdén, well respected in his country for his holy works, offered little in the way of details, only stating that he has never been more sure of anything in his life.

As this reporter prepares for the coming end, he can only help but wonder: how will it happen? And why at midnight in the middle of the ocean?

Farewell, faithful readers. It's time to meet your maker(s).

Harry Potter / Lord of the Rings Crossover Announced

As her latest book flies off the shelves at bookstores around the world, JK Rowling stunned Harry Potter fans by announcing that she will collaborate with Christopher Tolkien to write a new crossover story.

Rowling denied that she is merely trying to cash in on the Lord of the Rings in an attempt to boost her own sales. Rather, the two stories share certain synergies, she says, which can offer the reader a fantastic voyage.

Christopher Tolkien, son of author JRR Tolkien, shared some details on how the Lord of the Rings characters will tie-in to the Harry Potter story:

"As Hogwarts falls victim to another evil attack perpetrated by Voldeorte, Dumbledore turns to his oldest friend, Gandalf the White, for advice. It turns out that though the One Ring was destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom, the power of Sauron was not destroyed, but merely weakened, and he lay dormant for ten thousand years, until Voldemort's growing power awakened Sauron's own desire for power.

Frodo Baggins will play a prominent role, alongside Harry. Both are actually fighting for the same reasons, but they don't get along until they realize it."

When asked whether Gollum, Aragorn, or any other LotR characters would make an appearance in the story, Tolkien merely shrugged his shoulders. "I can't give away all the details."

Rumors first started circulating six months ago, when trade magazine Silver Screen Artistry published unverified reports that Rowling was speaking with other authors, seeking bold new ways to expand her Harry Potter series. The report was light on details, and the page 35 story caught little attention.

Notes scribbled on a napkin, found by a barkeep at an Edinburg pub, appear to be written by Tolkien as he and Rowling planned their new story. The napkin is currently being auctioned on eBay; at the time this story was published, the highest bid stood at $17,452.

Government Staffs Patent Office with Undead

Results exceed projected budget savings

Washington, DC - An executive order signed by President Bush on June 5 authorized the use of undead soldiers to supplement staffing at the U.S. Patent and Trademark office. According to Gerald Smith, an accounting technician overseeing USPTO payroll, this order provided for 50 undead to sort the increasing number of patent applications that the office receives.

"The obvious benefit of undead laborers within government is that they work unpaid, and that is what we based our budget forecasts on," Smith said. "What we hadn't anticipated was how efficiently the undead work. And because they ate most of their living supevisors and coworkers, we've been able to cut our payroll budget in half."

These undead workers have been able to effectively eliminate the backlog of applications, literally piled into bins on the loading docks of the Patent Office. Intellectual property experts herald this as a remarkable achievement, which should pave the way for better quality patent investigation at the office.

"The Patent Office has had to deal with a very negative public perception lately, what with issuing patents for Swinging Sideways on a Swing (patent #6,368,227) or Amusing Your Cat with a Laser Pointer (patent #5,443,036)," says Richard Oberwelt, a lawyer for the Popular Patents Association. "With the application backlog cleaned up, the [zombie] patent clerks will be able to more thoroughly examine the claims that the applications make, and perform a more thorough search for prior art which could invalidate the patents."

ACLU lawyers today filed a class action suit against the U.S. goverment on behalf of the undead workers, alleging that government's refusal to pay the workers fair wages, only allowing them to feast on the brains and vital organs of illegal immigrants and death row prisoners amounts to slavery.

Justice Department officials dismiss the ACLU suit as rubbish, while White House officials praised the undead for their remarkable work at the Patent Office, and remained open to the possibility of filling other goverment agencies with zombie workers.

Government Energy test goes horribly wrong

Are we safe or did we merely bury our doom?

Outside Area 51, Nevada – Government experiments in the field of alien technology took a severe toll as a large portion of the secret Area 51 base had to be evacuated and then destroyed. Government scientists were working on duplicating the energy source the aliens use for their interstellar travel, when suddenly something went terribly wrong. The engine somehow caused a tear in the very fabric or reality and something came through. Confronted by something they could not understand nor contain the government scientists called in the military, but all they could do was hold it at bay while they evacuated the area and detonated the self-destruct unit, hopefully burying their mistakes in the Nevada desert.

“The creature was massive…it was well over eight feet in height, possibly as tall as ten feet,” said one scientist who had been fired due to this dreadful failure. “It was roughly man shaped, but it wasn’t really substantial…it was like a dark cloud…black, but you could see through it you know? It had horns, but they were just as insubstantial as the rest of him…if you can rightly call it a him. The only thing that wasn’t like a black swirling man-shaped cloud were his eyes…they were red…deep red, the looked almost like molten rock or steel. We were lucky the room was stainless steel it kept him contained a bit…he doesn’t like the touch of metal you see.”

At this point “The Darkman” as the scientists on hand have dubbed him began to advance on the nearest scientist to him, and then merely touched him.

“He just started screaming…it ate his very life force, and his soul. He just kind of withered away into nothing. It was hard just watching it. We pulled the alarm at that point and got the hell out of there.”

The military was unsure how to proceed in battling the Darkman. After a few soldiers were killed they discovered they could force him to retreat if they just continually shot him. The Darkman withdrew in the face of the onslaught of hot lead, as he apparently hates the touch of metal. Army forces soon discovered that they had no way to kill the creature. The steel and lead discomforted the Darkman, but did not really injure it. That is when the President was forced to authorize the self-destruction of a section of the base.

“The President was not to pleased with this situation to say the least. None of his top scientists could give him an answer if this would kill the creature and seal the tear,” said a Senior White House Aid. “The President wanted to send in some of our Undead to hold it at bay, can’t kill what’s dead, while we came up with a better plan, but his scientists advised against it saying it was unlikely they would be able to come up with a better solution.”

Members of the scientific community have a wide ranging opinions on the subject of whether the rift is sealed and the beast destroyed.

“I think we’ve seen the last of this thing…with nothing to feed on down there it will slowly waste away into nothingness,” said a scientist from Purdue University.

“We have no idea what this creature is capable of, nor do we really know what caused the rift…for all we know we may have sealed our own doom,” said another from Iowa State University.

Rebuilding of the destroyed section of the Area 51 base began today as crews attempted to restore the base to some semblance of order so the reverse engineering of alien technology could continue as soon as possible.

Nostradamus Predicts Triumph of X-Box, Microsoft

Barcelona, Spain - Recent studies of the writings of Nostradamus, the world's most infamous prophet, predict that through Microsoft's X-Box, the latest entrant into the home console gaming and entertainment market, Bill Gates will come to dominate the world.

The 16th Century prophet wrote nearly one thousand quatrains, small four line poems, in groups of 100, called Centuries. It is in Century 5, quatrain 75, that the prophet predicts the rise of Microsoft, and in particular, its leader, William Gates III.

Experts have determined that this set of verses refers to Bill Gate's ascension to power through the widespread adoption of the X-box gaming console, and the online X-box Live component.

A detailed analysis of the quatrain has been provided by Johanna Esperita, one of the researchers who has extensively studied Nostadamus' quatrains for a glimpse of future events. Translated from the original French:

He will rise high over the estate more to the right,

The estate "more to the right" clearly refers to Sony, the current market leader in the console gaming market with it's Playstation 2. At an unspecified date in the future, Microsoft's sales of the X-box will surpass those of the Playstation 2.

He will remain seated on the square stone,

The "square stone" is the X-box, the seat of Bill Gate's coming ascension to power.

Towards the south facing to his left,

Sitting on his throne in Redmond, Bill Gates will find the Justice Department of the United States Government, to the south and toward his left in Washington, D.C., powerless to stop his technological advances.

The crooked staff in his hand, his mouth sealed.

Experts have not been able to fully understand this line, although many believe the "crooked staff" to be the Internet, the backbone of which is shaped like a crooked staff, linking all of the cities in the United States under Gates' control.

"I do acknowledge that many prophecies of Nostradamus did not seem to come true," Esperita said at a conference in nearby Pamplona. "In fact, we believe it was not that the prophecies were false, but that the interpretations were incorrect. Many of the quatrains have been misinterpreted in the past, giving people the impression that Nostradamus was a fool, when it was really a foolish mistake of the translators."

Quatrain 75 of Century 5 does not specify the date of Microsoft's rise to power, but past events indicate that it will not be far off.

United States Military uses Undead in Iraqi War

Najaf, Iraq – The first reports of horrified Iraq Republican Guard units were first discounted as the ravings of the shell shocked, but now firmly documented reports confirm the use of some sort of undead troops by the United States. As the United States push towards Baghdad slowed it is now apparent that the Government authorized a desperate gamble, confirmed reports say that suddenly United States troops seemed to pull out of their positions and then the Iraqis were forced to confront true horror.

“The American artillery was still pounding away at our armored divisions and hard targets,” said one former Republican Guard Colonel. “We saw large groups of what appeared to be American soldiers advancing on our positions, and we opened fire. They wouldn’t die…it was horrible. We would blow them to pieces, but the pieces would merely reassemble and continue the advance. They were invincible. The began to rip my men apart and eat them...it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. We had no choice, but to withdraw."

Many have speculated why the Iraq armor units moved out making them easy targets, most thought it was merely stupidity of the Iraqi commanders or perhaps an underestimation of American air power, but Iraqi commanders tell a different tale. They had to move out or be destroyed by legions of the living dead that devoured the flesh of the living. Somehow the government was able to control these ghouls enough that they only devoured those of the Iraqi military and did not attack the normal populace of this Arab nation.

“The stink of rot was strong in the air,” said Mohammad Akubar, a local Islamic Cleric. “There appeared to be thousands of men, if you can call them men rightly, in American uniform. They stumbled about, but no matter what was done to them they did not stop advancing. I saw one up close myself, his stink was unbearable…his face was damaged beyond repair and flesh seemed to hang from his bones. He looked at me and it sent a chill to my very core…but thank Allah I was not his target and he continued towards the Iraqi lines.”

Once the Republican Guard units had retreated and been blow apart by the US Air Force the unliving were recalled and not seen again in the fighting.

“If anything proves that the American’s are the Great Satan more than this…I know not what it is,” said Akubar. “This is truly an abomination in the eyes of all religions.”

The Pentagon refused to comment on the possible existence of legions of the undead under US Military control, sighting National Security concerns. A Highly placed source in the Pentagon revealed that the Undead had also been used in Afghanistan in the cave fighting against the Taliban.

“President Bush himself authorized the use of these…things. It’s new technology, but it worked well which means will probably see them again and again…someday perhaps even openly.”

NASA Denies Joint Human-Alien Collaboration

Ft. Worth, TX - Top-level officials for the National Aeronatic and Space Administration today vigorously denied any cooperative work with extraterrestrials, despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

In a press conference Friday at 1200 CDT, NASA leaders announced that any claims that the government agency is involved in any joint efforts with alien life forms.

"The mere suggestion of this is ludicrous," Bill Adelanto decried. "The nearest solar system is billions of miles away, and would take hundreds of years to travel the distance. We have not even come up with a theoretical means of travelling fast enough to travel so far, and besides, we do not even believe that these nearest solar systems to be capable [of supporting alien life]."

The officials at the press conference read from prepared speeches, and refused to answer any questions. However, Byzantine Communications reporters were able to obtain off-the-record quotes from aides to these officials.

"I am 100% certain that there is no alien collaboration occuring within the NASA program," one aide spoke anonymously. "But I cannot make the same declaration about other agencies with which NASA does frequently compare 'research.'"

NASA officials refused to discuss any information related to such "research."

Possible Product of Soviet Experiments Eyes NBA Draft in 2004

Petropavlovsk, Russia - Many people in this port city are wondering what the future holds for native son, Ivan Ivanolov. This would not be unusual except for the fact that Ivanolov is eight foot ten inches in height, three hundred fifty-nine pounds and only sixteen years eleven months of age. While those dimensions are staggering they do nothing to excite NBA scouts as much as his sheer athleticism. The only problem with Ivan? His mysterious past.

Ivan was born on June 24th, 1986 that much is known. However all other records including the names and identities of his parents as well as their location were sealed by the Soviet Union and have not been declassified by the new Russian Republic. A seemingly friendly scientist, Petrov Ivanolov, who formerly worked on secret projects for the Soviet Union during the 70's and 80's at the Petropavlovsk Labs of the Workers and Laborers of the Soviet Union, raised Ivan and his adopted father claimed to know nothing about his origins. Petrov died of severe cancer December 9th of 2002 taking any secrets he was still holding to the grave with him. With his adopted fathers past well known and it also being well known that his specialty was in genetic manipulation it has widely been thought that Ivan was created at the labs by Dr. Ivanolov and other scientists.

"He was always big for his age, he was four and half feet tall at three years of age. This would alarm most parents, but all Dr. Ivanolov did was praise him and make him follow an intensive workout regime. If anything he seemed disappointed when Ivan didn't reach eight feet in height by the sixth grade," said a neighbor who agreed speak to Byzantine News. "Petrov always seemed to think everyone around him was spies for the United States as well...he was very strange to say the least."

"If Ivan Ivanolov isn't the product of some Soviet experiment to create the perfect soldier I'll be shocked," said another neighbor.

Ivan began playing the game of basketball as part of his radical workout regime designed by Dr. Ivanolov. Some have felt that he should have been playing on the national team since he hit seven feet of height back in 6th grade. Ivan who was dubbed "Big Red" by his teammates has improved by leaps and bounds combining size, strength and bulk with the off the charts athleticism of NBA stars like Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Tracy McGrady.

"When I heard of him I thought it was a big joke, like the Tahiti Mermaid or something like that, but this kid is as real as it gets," said one NBA Scout. "He will dominate the game of basketball like no other. He'll be more dominant than Wilt [Chamberlain], win more titles than Bill [Russell], and will have more fans than Michael [Jordan]. Book it right now this kid is a star."

Another thing that has wowed scouts is his amazing ability to overcome injuries and to heal at amazing rates. In a recent game Ivan fell breaking his leg in two places, one a compound fracture. He was brought to the back on a stretcher, but returned to the game in the second half with not a single scratch, nor any sign at all of the gruesome injury.

"I'd trade anything for a chance at this kid," said one Eastern Conference General Manager. "The kid isn't just big and athletic, but because he's big for so long and he's been playing for so long he has the skills around the hoop of a veteran."

Ivan reportedly has not ruled out entering the NBA Draft as soon as next year as he will be eligible through a loophole created by Dark Milicic this past season due to the fact that he will be eighteen on draft night. Ivan has also not ruled out coming over to the United States and playing one year of college ball. The big man reportedly has been contacted and offered scholarships by Kansas, North Carolina, Duke, UCLA, and Marquette.

"If I play college ball it will most likely be at UCLA or Marquette," said Ivan. "Both coaches were very nice to me. Nicer than anyone I have ever known."

Most NBA scouts believe he is merely toying with the idea of going to college as a possible way to gain leverage over whatever NBA team selects him.

Ass Speaks! (Talking Donkey is Talk of the Town)

Move over Mr Ed...Nuclear waste is blamed for the animal's amazing intellegence and language skills.

Akron, OH - Herbert Bauer received the shock of his life when his twelve year old donkey first spoke to him last Thursday.

Herbert, who has had numerous donkeys on his farm over the years, always knew there was something special about Jack, but he never would have imagined that this donkey would become the focus of worldwide scientific inquiry and scrutiny.

Jack has actually self-diagnosed his remarkable abilities. "It's quite simple, really," Jack says. "At an early age, I was exposed to low level radiation from nuclear waste that was impoperly stored. Over time, the latent radiation that remained in my body and caused the hyper development of my intelligence and speech abilities."

Veterinary experts and nuclear physicists have worked together to corroborate the story that Jack tells. Vet records do in fact indicate that Jack spent two years starting in 1994 at a farm next to a known nuclear waste storage facility. That location is now undergoing remediation treatment under the Federal government's Superfund cleanup program.

Sadly, Jack feels that his superintelligence has negatively impacted his quality of life. Though he can now let his owner know of his needs and wants, he is questioning his career as a stud. "I dont feel that the females I mate with really understand me, or even want to get to know me." Jack is now seeing a therapist twice a week, and owner Herbert believes that Jack will come to enjoy life again soon.

Woman Gives Birth to Cat-Human Mutant

Carcinogens in every-day food products blamed

Albany, New York - A woman at an undisclosed area hospital has given birth to a cat-human mutant, doctors say.

While many on-staff doctors were unable or unwilling to provide a medical explanation for this bizarre birth, other doctors were convinced that carcinogens, Cancer-causing chemicals, are to blame.

"It is clear to me," one doctor said, on the condition of anonymnity, "that the cancer-causing agents found in everyday food items is the root of this curious occurrence."

Which foods are to blame? Our anonymous physician tells us there is no-one food item that could have caused this. "All mammals share nearly seventy pecent of the same DNA sequences. The cumulative effect of all of the minute amounts of mutagenic carcinogens, in theory, could have caused a re-sequencing of those genes that make us uniquely human."

The cat-child's Mother was unavailable for comment, and hospital officials refused to release the birth certificate. Animal rights supporters expect this birth to significantly boost their cause. "Now there can be no arguments that animals dont deserve the same rights and treatment as you and I."