Sunday, February 29, 2004

Leslie Nielsen Takes Home Best Actor Oscar for Scary Movie 3

Leslie Nielsen; photo courtesy of Internet Movie DatabaseSurprising film critics, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and the worldwide viewership of the 76th Oscar Awards ceremony, Leslie Nielsen, best known for the Naked Gun series, received the Academy Award for Best Actor for his performance as the President of the United States in Scary Movie 3.A hush came over the crowd at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood when the announcement was made for Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role. Some hesistant clapping was heard few seconds, but seemingly forever later, as actor Leslie Nielsen made his way to the stage to accept the award.

"I don't know what to say," Nielsen spoke into the microphone. "I don't even remember being nominated for Best Actor this year. Not since my performance in Surf Ninjas have I ever been so honored.

"I'd like to thank Jerry Zucker, for casting me in the Naked Gun movies, helping to solidify my big screen comedy career, my family, my friends, and my Scary Movie 3 fellow actors Method Man and Master P. Right on, dawgs. Yeah."

The other nominees for Best Actor expressed confusion; Nielsen's name was not among the list of nominees circulated to Academy members. Academy officials have announced that Nielsen won the honor by receiving an overwhelming number of write-in votes.

Friday, February 27, 2004

Microsoft offers Public Beta Test of Next Windows

New version of Windows, dubbed Windows RG, available now via remote Internet demo. Help support Microsoft in developing the best Windows yet.Redmond, WA - Microsoft has initiated a public beta test of their next version of Windows, called Windows RG. This latest version of the operating system promises new features that will bring enhanced levels of utilty and enjoyment as compared to previous versions. Also, due to bugs and security flaws in older versions of their operating system, Microsoft recommends upgrading as soon as possible.

Windows RG now includes Microsoft Word, bringing the word processor to everyone's desktop. Previously, Word was only available as a separate purchase, or as part of the Microsoft Office suite of applications.

RG also allows you to order food over the Internet, which will be delivered to your doorstep in 30 minutes. A few vendors have already signed on, giving you choices in what you can order. The order form takes all the confusion out of online ordering, which until now has varied from one restaurant's website to the next -- all food can now be ordered from a familiar, common interface.

You can try Windows RG now. A full-screen remote Internet demo is available for a time-limited beta. After the beta test period has expired, Windows RG will be available for purchase at computer stores and malls everywhere, with Windows RG Home available for $299 MSRP. Coder James Cliffe is responsible for the remote demo interface available in Windows RG.

Demo Windows RG now! Windows RG Demo - http://www.deanliou.com/WinRG/

(Remote Windows RG Beta Test Demo requires Macromedia Flash.)

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Saddam Hussein Practiced Atkins Diet for 15 Years

Did state of ketosis drive the former dictator to invade Kuwait?

International Red Cross workers have revealed that Saddam Hussein has adhered strictly to an Atkins-style diet for the last decade and a half. Scientists debate whether the state of ketosis might have influenced Hussein's decision to invade Kuwait in the summer of 1990, and his subsequent inaction on U.N. Security Resolutions aimed at disarming him.The American media has glorified, villified, and debated the Atkins low-carbohydrate diet intensely over the past year. Some scientists have produced evidence that the diet is healthy, while others have shown that the diet will cause a deterioration of mental and physical well-being. Those detractors of the diet have publicly speculated that Saddam's low-carb diet, which he began in 1989, may have set off-balance the dictator's brain chemistry, leading to his decision to invade Iraq in 1990.

The Red Cross medical staff performed a number of tests on a sample of Hussein's blood during their February visit with the dictator. The results indicated that the former dictator's body was in a state of ketosis. Coalition jailors in charge of the detention facility confirmed that Hussein refused to eat foods high in carbohydrates, and heeded his requests for low-carb food.

Hussein admitted to Red Cross staff that he has been a practicing Atkins dieter since he first purchased the book in 1989, but insists that the diet played no part in his invasion and claim of control of Kuwait.

Hussein was captured late in 2003. His regime was deposed by coalition forces, after Iraq's military surrendered or deserted in the face of the United State's Undead forces.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Bush Plot to incorporate ''President for Life'' Amendment to Constitution Foiled

Sharp-eyed Democrats in the U.S. Senate foiled a Bush Administration attempt to make President Bush's position a permanent lifetime position. "President for Life" clause stricken from gay marriage amendment, constitutional process to continue.The exact wording, which was buried in the proposed amendment to prevent same sex unions from being called marriages, is as follows:

The people acknowledge for President and Commander in Chief of the Army, George W Bush, the avenger and deliverer of his fellow citizens. The title of Majesty is conferred upon him, as well as upon his august spouse, the lady Laura Bush. With this title, George W Bush will be the President for life, and shall have the right to name his heir to the Presidency.

Democrats, and many Republicans, expressed outrage that the President would attempt to inject such language into the United States' Constitution.

"This is far, far worse than even the most paranoid of Democrats could have imagined," Senator Ted Kennedy spoke to the press. "We knew Bush was up to no good, but we thought his aims were only to exact revenge upon Iraq and Saddam. We now know his aims were far loftier."

Unfazed, the President's staff has admitted to writing the clause, but claims it was merely an intra-office joke that was mistakenly included in the published constitutional amendment text. The President has ordered an investigation, with the results to be due in December.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Area Coed Transcends into a god

Anonymous Reader writes:

In a stunning feat not seen since Biblical times, area coed Alicia Sorensen has transcended into a goddess at the student union last night after joining a local sorority. Eyewitness accounts of the event itself are diverse. It seems Sorensen grew instantly to about 20 feet tall, shot lightning from her fingertips, and admonished her fellow students for materialism before vanishing in a plume of green smoke.

Teary eyed sorority rush chair, Michelle VanDerveer, described the transformation as "a shock" and continued: "We never meant our pledges would actually become goddesses and shoot lightning, be worshiped, or fly when we begun this season's rush, but apparently it has happened". VanDerveer and her fellow sorority sisters agreed last Spring to entitle this year's pledge drive "Become a Goddess: Go Greek".

Signs of her transformation did not go unnoticed. Last week, numerous witnesses saw Sorensen turn ants into butterflies, library books into white rabbits, and computers into a variety of bushes and shrubs. Physics professor H. G. Hartiwild, after some initial investigation, called these events "parlor tricks". Missing university computers are still unaccounted for. Rabbits still abound in the library (as do their droppings).

When asked if Sorensen behaved unusually, sorority vice chair Veronica Mendoza replied, "Alicia took the whole goddess thing way too seriously from the start. She kept reading these musty old books from the restricted section of the library and began talking about Gaia. Then odd things began to happen. First it was the all the squirrels and wild animals came up to her and ate out of her hand, and then the grass in the quad seemed to grow thicker and greener every time she walked past. Eventually her whole personality changed. She began to talk like Yoda and rambling on and on.

Religious studies professor Herbert Spooner comments, "Usually newly minted gods are very active in micromanaging their followers. They eventually loose interest as their followers become unfaithful to the original message. Just look at the Bible or the Koran." He continues, "Because of the small number of her followers, technically, Alicia is leading only a cult, not yet a religion so we may be looking at a long era of lightning and plagues of frogs before She calms down into brooding disappointment with humankind."

Despite overwhelming evidence of her divine ascension, Police are investigating Sorensen's disappearance. Investigator Harvey Pearl notes, "People don't become goddesses every night. We have to ensure no foul play was involved."

This marks the second sorority pledge radically transformed in two years. Last fall, Sarah Little sprouted wings and shrunk to two inches high after pledging a sorority. The rush theme for that tragic year centered on fantasy. She is now identifies herself as a "Pixie" and, unable to continue her studies here, spends her days in the campus Botanical garden chasing hummingbirds and playing practical jokes on the staff. Asked to comment on Sorensen, Little replied by laughing and began juggling dewdrops in her tiny hands. No word on whether Sorensen's relatives plan to file suit against the University for negligence, as Little's relatives did a mere ten months ago.

VanDerveer has a message for Sorensen, "Please Alicia, if you are listening, give up the whole goddess thing and come back to us. We miss your energy and spirit at all our sorority functions."

No word yet on what next year's sorority rush campaign slogan will be, but the early indication is that the theme will involve supermodels having elaborate weddings.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Alien Spacecraft Spotted in Jersey

A dull-looking metal alloy alien spacecraft was spotted cruising along the New Jersey turnpike Saturday. Authorities are interested in contacting the owner; the craft did not have proper license plates.If anyone has any information about the craft, which measured approximately 55 feet long by 10 feet wide, they should contact the New Jersey state troopers.

Friday, February 20, 2004

New Air Travel Safety Rules Announced by TSA

Transportation Safety Administration bans plastic knives, pointy sticks from flights



Washington, DC - Department of Homeland Security head Tom Ridge announced today new banned items that will not be allowed on domestic or international flights to the US. American populace to put up with new hassles, grudgingly.Starting May 1st, no commercial air travel passenger in the U.S. will be
allowed to possess any of the below banned items, either on their person or
in the carry-on luggage (in addition to restrictions already in place,
such as box-cutters and metal knives):

  • Plastic knives and forks of all sizes. Plastic spoons under 5 inches
    will still be allowed for passengers 13 years of age and older.
  • Pointed sticks - any wooden, plastic, or other rigid cylindrical
    "stick" more than two inches long without a soft rubber tip at both ends.
    Sharpened pencils and ballpoint pens fall into this category, and will not be
    allowed on flights. Crayons remain OK for in-flight usage.
  • Velcro straps exceeding six inches in length.
  • Canned food items over 8 ounces. Larger cans could be used by
    terrorists as blunt objects to beat people unconscious.
  • Metal-frame sunglasses. Metal framed prescription eyeglasses will be
    allowed if wearer passes a TSA-approved eye chart test.

"These restrictions are necessary to ensure the safety of Americans on
planes and on the ground," Tom Blank, assistant administrator for
transportation security policy, testified before the U.S. Congress. "Without measures
in place to prevent these banned items from making their way onto our
country's airliners, there is no way to reliably protect our national
interests."


While many Americans feel that our civil liberties and personal freedoms
are being gradually eroded by such restrictions, the Bush Administration is
seeking to assure them that this is in fact not the case. Bush's top aides
confirmed for Byzantine Communications News correspondents that the
President will soon participate in a town-hall meeting to explain how safety and
liberty are both preserved by his administration during the War on Terror.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Osama bin Laden escapes to Mars; War declared against Aliens

Osama on MarsOsama bin Laden escaped from a federal terrorist detetion facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and has been spotted on the surface of Mars by the Spirit rover. NASA scientists speculate that bin Laden had the aid of extraterrestrials; President Bush, with a nod from the US Senate and House of Representatives, declares war on Martians.President Bush addressed the nation on Sunday with a special speech:

Recalling my October 7, 2001 speech to the nation, I said that from that day forward, any nation that continues to harbor or support terrorism will be regarded by the United States as a hostile regime. The same holds true for any group or organization, including any extra-terrestrial beings who aid and abet the actions of international terrorists.



Since the solar flares and coronal mass ejections of October of last year, the CIA has gathered what I believe to be conclusive evidence that these solar phenomena were not merely natural occurences, but deliberate attacks against the free people of our world.

Now we have direct visual evidence of Osama bin Laden's collaboration with these extra terrestrial beings, and on this, the fifteenth day of February, two-thousand and four, I ask the Congress of the United States to formally declare war against the extraterrestrial beings on the planet Mars.

The House of Representatives and the Senate convened for a special session on Sunday afternoon, and quickly handed the President his declaration.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Microsoft saves world from Nazism, Judaism

Microsoft removes "unacceptable symbols" from font. Nazis unimpressed by removal of swastika symbol, Jews ticked off by removal of Star of David symbol.

Redmond, Washington - Microsoft today added a Critical Update to the Windows Update website in order to protect its consumers, and the entire world, from the ravages of extreme stupidity and intolerance. By removing two swastika symbols from the Bookshelf Symbol 7 font, included with Office 2003, Microsoft "has protected countless children from racial intolerance agendas of supporters of Nazism", according to Bill Gates. "Likewise, by removing the Star of David, Microsoft has affirmed its position with regards to religious equlity.

According to experts, the swastika is an ancient symbol with many meanings to many diverse groups of people. Buddhists often correspond this symbol to the footsteps of Buddha. For other cultures, it symbolized good luck. It wasn't until the 1920s that the symbol earned the damnation of people across the world, due to the Nazis decision to use the symbol to represent their agenda of purifying the world through the destruction of those they deemed unfit to live.

Many Jewish people have expressed outrage that the Star of David, a common symbol of Judaism, has been removed as "unacceptable", the same category given to the swastika symbols.

Is the world really a safer place with those characters gone from the font? What symbols will Microsoft next deem unacceptable? And why was this a "Critical Update", released with the same urgency as software patches to prevent worldwide infection by virulent computer viruses?

Wednesday, February 4, 2004

Sci Fi Channel to unveil new reality TV hit

Abducted! will follow the daily lives and nightly alien abductions experienced by twelve participants who have been regularly abducted by aliens during their sleep.

Executives a the Sci Fi Channel have revealed a few details of the upcoming show to Byzantine Communications news staff.

  • Twelve multiple abductees (each having experienced 10 or more abductions in the past year) have been selected for the show.
  • Participants' homes will be outfitted with multiple fixed cameras, as well as followed outside their home by experienced reality television camera crews during the day.
  • At night, the in-home fixed cameras will switch to infra-red mode in the dark, and the participants pajamas have even been outfitted with mini cameras to catch the alien abductors in action.

This new show is set to debut in mid-March, tentatively scheduled into the 9-10pm Thursdays time slot.