Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Obama Administration redefines "round"

Washington, DC - Rectangular is the new round. At least, if you're in the Obama administration.

According to a recent blog post, Vice President Joe Biden held "a roundtable with business leaders ... to discuss how the Recovery Act is providing new opportunities for creativity and innovation in business."

However, close examination of the photo of the event shows nary a round table to be found.

Eight men (including the VP) can be seen sitting at a rectangular table on a raised platform in front of more than a dozen people seated in chairs.

When asked to confirm that a "round table" event did in fact occur, White House staff responded in the affirmative.

What will the administration redefine next?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Obama admits "hasty" decisions were mistakes

Obama spoke openly with reporters today about the fallout of what his administration considers to have been "hasty decisions" it has made that turned out not to be the right decisions.

"On Wednesday, my White House Spokesman was quoted saying, 'We've made some hasty decisions that are now gonna take some time to unwind. Closing Guantanamo bay obviously is one of those decisions,'" the President said. "Unfortunately that decision was not the only hasty one I made."

Obama laid out a number of other decisions he has come to regret from the first 100 days of his administration, noting that these are just a few: promising to do things in a bi-partisan manner, promising a five-day "sunshine period" before signing any bill from Congress, and choosing a Portuguese Water Dog for the family pet.

Bipartisanship: "Frankly, I was a fool to believe that I could convince Republicans to vote for my socialist policies. It's obvious they will only vote for those policies when one of their guys is in charge. My bad."

Five days: "Sometimes you're just so eager, you know, so how can you wait five whole days? I mean, maybe on boring bills I could wait that long, but there's just so much government to build up and I'm so excited to do it."

Dog: "Perhaps selecting a Portie was a hasty decision. I mean, should the leader of the nominally-free world be expected to pick up poop for the next dozen or so years? Maybe we should have gone with an Irish Wolfhound or Bloodhound, which generally live about half that long. Plus there's no scientific evidence that the Porties or any dogs are hypo-allergenic anyway."

Monday, October 3, 2005

Jason leads in closed helpdesk tickets

"In your face, helpdesk!"

Jason ordered the helpdesk closed this morning, after he took a decisive lead in the number of closed tickets for the month of October.

"Statistically, Jason has surpassed the rest of the team by an infinite percentage with the closure of his latest helpdesk ticket," says Jim, Jason's manager. "This is an accomplishment of which Jason can be proud. In fact I've just put in an order for a lucite plaque for Jason."

Jason was unconcerned that helpdesk requests might go unsolved if the helpdesk is closed. "They can take care of those tickets next month. For the rest of this month, I will bask in my own glory."

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Insider: Google, Hormel to form strategic alliance

Speaking under conditions of anonymnity, a Google employee informed us that Google has agreed to form a strategic alliance with Hormel Foods, the maker of the canned Spam food product.
As evidence of the claim, the employee pointed to Google's in-beta Gmail email website. Supporting the free service will be a series of advertisements that scan email text, and displays related advertisements alongside the email messages. Recently, Google has also added what it calls "Web Clips" to the top of folder views, which alternate between short one-line advertisements and news clippings.

"Recently, Google began to display all Spam recipes in the Web Clips above the Spam folder listings. I work in the Gmail division, and heard the boss discussing the feature with one of the core programmers."
Sure enough, a visit to the spam folder of a Gmail account reveals that all of the web clips have been replaced by Spam recipes.

Google and Hormel representatives refused to answer questions about the alleged strategic alliance. Thus far, there are no clues from Hormel what their end of the bargain might entail. Curiously, a Google Image search for " Google" takes you to a picture demonstrating how to bone a chicken breast (screenshot here in case links change).

Monday, September 26, 2005

John Kerry Elected President of Oompa Loompa Union

Failed US Presidential Candidate John F. Kerry has completed his campaign to become president of the Oompa Loompa Labor Union successfully, with overwhelming support from the Oompa Loompa workers.
Elected to the post of President by a majority of eligible voters, Kerry will tackle the difficult issues that the Oompa Loompas face.

From Kerry's acceptance speech: "My fellow Oompas were brought here from Loompa Land by Willy Wonka, under the pretense that he would take them to a place where they would be free from the dangers of Vermicious Knids, Swangdoodles and Horn Swagglers. But instead of freedom, the Oompas were forced to work in Wonka's chocolate factories. I will fight to get all of the rights that my fellow Oompas deserve."

Kerry went on to promise to take Wonka to task on shorter workdays, higher hazard pay, and full 2 day weekends. Kerry also plans to fight for an end to all self-guided and other tours of the factory. Kerry: "No Oompa Loompa should have to deal with unruly children in the workplace."

Wonka representatives could not be reached for comment. An Oompa Loompa who works for Wonka's accounting division was optimistic about the future of the labor organization with Kerry at the helm: "As best I can tell, Kerry is a pretty smart man. He seems to understand the issues we Oompas face on a day to day basis. Wonka is a hard man to deal with, but Kerry will work hard to break through his barriers and get us what we deserve."

Thursday, May 5, 2005

Christian calendar of 2006 to skip June 6

The June 2006 calendar to be used by many Christians will have only 29 days, instead of the usual thirty allotted for the month. February 2006 will have an extra leap day to compensate for a year that would otherwise have had the mark of the beast midway through.

Today is May 5th, 2005. Or 05/05/05, or just 5/5/5. Next year there's another date just like this one, on June 6th of 2006. But that date resolves down to 6/6/6 -- the mark of the beast.

Revelation chapter 13:14-18: "Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six."

What's a religion to do with a date with the mark of the beast? "Skip it!" says Reverend Johnson of Montgomery, AL.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?

Hit new book by Wisconsin man due to take NY Times Best Sellers list by storm this holiday season.

Cudahy, WI -- Outsider author Matthew Roeder has today made literary history with his first book, Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?. Dismissed by critics, the tales of man vs bad food have proven itself to have the right recipe for success.

The book is not carried by or by Borders or Barnes and Noble, but is available through independent book sellers as well as through Wal-Mart.

"Is there anything worse than biting into a burger, or slice of pizza, or bowl of soup, only to find that it tastes like it dropped out of someone's butt? I sure hope not," Roeder told reporters.

Roeder plans to use his newfound status as a best-selling writer to unload some more gripes he has with service providers. He is already well underway in writing the sequel Why Does Everyone Smell Like Ass?. Roeder and his publisher are in talks for the terms for any books written beyond the first two.