Director Kazan killed in Cable TV conspiracy

Anonymous Reader writes:

Director Elia Kazan was found dead in his home Sunday. If you're into classic movies, you might know some of his films: A Streetcar Named Desire, perhaps, or On the Waterfront. You may also know that he had ties to the Communist Party, and that he testified to the House Committee on Un-American Activities after World War II about the party's supporters and activities in Hollywood.

Ninety-four year-old Kazan did not die of natural causes. Kazan was murdered in his own home. The proof, you ask?

Turner Classic Movies aired a celebration of Kazan's life, showing three of his films on Sunday -- A Streetcar Named Desire, On the Waterfront, and Baby Doll.

But you say there's nothing unusual about that. Television stations often honor those actors and directors who have passed away, and left their mark in Americana.

But how did TCM know they would be celebrating Kazan's life two weeks before his death? If you picked up a TV Guide or the television section of your local paper, you might have noticed these movies scheduled. You see, TV Guide requires stations to send their schedules two weeks in advance. How could they have known when he would die, indeed.

Elia Kazan perhaps earned his fate when he turned on his own Hollywood comrades and ratted them out to the U.S. government in the midst of the red scare. But we can't merely let his death pass us by without wondering who is next on the chopping block. Check your TV Guides....

Lemur: The other white meat?

Diminutive primate from Madagascar is latest food craze in Europe, Asia.

The ring-tailed lemur, Lemur catta, has become the most-requested food item in the world. Once a fad that started amongst safari tourists in South Africa, a lemur platter can now be found at dinner parties in Hungary, Lichtenstein, Mongolia, and dozens of countries around the world.

Lemon-roasted lemur accounts for over 80 percent of lemur dinners, according to a survey by Food Survey Research Group. Most other lemur is deep-fried, though many people have experimented with various recipes.

William Greeley, of the Lonesome Cowboy restaurant in Chapel Hills, Portugal, explains the flavors his patrons savor: "Lemon-roasted lemur is a staple here, obviously. But our chefs love to experiment, and we've served many nightly specials that have met with great success, including Jack-Lemur, where we cook the lemur in a Jack Daniels whiskey sauce, and serve it with a side of garlic mashed potatoes and a glass of whiskey. People loved the Jack-Lemur so much we've made it our Wednesday special!"

Deep-fried Lemur on a Stick has proven incredibly popular at carnivals and festivals, replacing Twinkies and corn-dogs as the favorite deep-fried on-a-stick food choices.

Even environmentalists are satisfied with the Lemurs. "Not only do they taste great, but they're being raised and slaughtered in an ethical manner," said Ralph Miggat of the World Wildlife Fund. Lemur farms in Madagascar have received praise from the WWF and Greenpeace for their environmentally sound practices.

It's only a matter of time before the lemur craze hits the Americas. Analysts expect it to be well received, and American food companies pledge to provide their consumers with the meat they want.

California Immigration Scandal Exposed!

Laws seemingly passed to help illegal immigrants actually sponsored by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security as a way to round up illegal aliens and deport them; Minority groups outraged

San Clemente, CA - Julio Ramirez showed up Monday at his neighborhood DMV, eager to apply for a California state driver's license, now that Governor Gray Davis has passed a bill allowing undocumented non-citizens to obtain drivers licenses. What he found instead was armed National Guard troops, rounding up illegal immigrants for deportation to their home countries.

Julio's fate was shared by thousands of illegals across the state as federal agents and National Guard troops detained these people for questioning and deportation.

Tom Ridge, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security made this stunning revelation at 3pm PDT on Monday:

California's pro-illegal immigrant laws were nothing more than a way to entrap illegal aliens in our country, so that we may remove them. These bills were developed within the Department, and provided to California legislators to introduce into their legislative process.

Frankly, we were surprised with how well these bills were received. We felt that the legislators would see right through them, for what the bills are -- a way to make it far easier to enforce existing Federal immigration laws.

The California Democrats took the bills adopted them right into their liberal socialism strategies and plans. We at the Department of Homeland Security couldn't have been more pleased.

All illegal aliens detained by our troops and agents will be questioned and promptly deported to their country of origin.

California Democrats are outraged, while Republicans praised the Federal government for using these new California laws to root out illegals in our country.

Outside of Sacramento, legal residents of California still don't understand why the Democrats were so in favor of these laws. One citizen on the street had this to say:

Even if the Democrats couldn't realize that this was sponsored by the Department of Homeland Security, they should have spotted some errors in their rationale.

I mean, first off, why is a state sponsoring legislation that runs completely counter to federal laws? By doing so, they risk losing out on money normally provided by the U.S. government.

Second, why would their constituents support such legislation? Presumably, the Democrats get most votes from minorities. It's the case that many minorities make less money than white people. So see if you can follow along with this: we're giving more rights and privileges (free college education, drivers licenses) to illegal immigrants. This is only going to make more illegals want to cross over. These undocumented workers often get paid paltry amounts, usually under the table. With a steady stream of people who will accept this low pay, there's no pressure on employers to pay better. But the illegals get free college! They get to better themselves...at the expense of the legal residents, and quite likely they'll displace the legal residents, leaving the legal, voting minority citizens in worse shape than before illegals were given all these privileges? How the Dem's pulled that over their heads, I don't know.

California legislators pledge to stop smoking crack

"Illegal Immigrants driving? Going to our schools for free? What were we thinking?"

Sacramento, CA - The Democrat majority of California's legislature announced Saturday their plans to stop smoking crack and start cracking down on stupid laws they've already passed.

"All I can say is that they sounded like good ideas at the time. I can honestly say that the Democratic majority of California's state government realizes now why [cocaine] is illegal," said California Senate Majority Leader Don Perata, explaining to the state's citizens why the government has been passing such non-sensical laws recently.

Majority Whip Richard Alarcón added: "First we decided to give driving rights to illegal immigrants. Then we gave them free college tuition. Thank God we came to our senses before we voted on Governor Davis' latest idea, giving all the illegal immigrants 3,200 square foot homes in Malibu."

Governor Gray Davis meanwhile has vehemently denied rumors that he pressured his fellow Democrats into smoking crack in the first place. "I can assure you that I have no involvement in their crack cocaine addictions. What they do on their own time, or while the legislature is in session, is strictly up to them and their constituents. If they are smoking crack, it must be because the voters of California want it this way."

When asked if he thought using illicit drugs in the halls of government was a good idea, Gray waffled around the question: "Now as I've already stated, this is obviously the will of the California voters. Whether this is a good idea or not is up to them. As their governor, I am responsible for signing or vetoing the bills provided to me by the legislators. It is not my job to decide whether these laws are good, moral laws."

California Republicans have unconditionally condemned the smoking of crack cocaine within the legislature. Republican leaders have expressed their outrage, and announced a formal investigation, possibly resulting in criminal trials on behalf of the citizens of California.

Betty Crocker Sues 261 Recipe Sharers

Food industry giant tackles copyright violators

Betty Crocker, a subsidiary of General Mills, on Friday delivered subpoenas to two hundred sixty one people, accusing these people of massive copyright violation for sharing recipes with friends and family. If these claims prove true, each person will be liable for up to $150,000 per recipe illegally copied.

Sharon Bauer, 35, of Livingston, Indiana, had no idea that sharing these recipes would get her into any trouble. "I found the recipes on the BettyCrocker.com website," Sharon says. "If General Mills doesn't want people using their recipes, why would they make the recipes freely available on the Internet? And I always share all of my favorite recipes with my family, because I know that we all enjoy similar foods and love to cook.

The Electronic Frontier Foundation, well known for advocating people's rights on the Internet, has weighed in on this issue, giving this statement to the press: "These lawsuits are completely frivolous and a waste of the courts' time. General Mills has not been harmed at all by this so called 'rampant recipe sharing.' Why would General Mills decide to sue its own consumers, who regularly purchase General Mills products at the supermarket to use in these very recipes? This strategy is sure to backfire on them."

Indeed, the media has grabbed ahold of this event, calling for Congress to convene and re-evaluate recent changes to copyright law, including provisions of the Digital Millenium Copyright Act (DCMA) and the so called Sonny Bono Copyright Term Extension Act, which further extended the period that works remain copyrighted before the enter the public domain.

General Mills' response to the media furor was presented at a press conference Monday: "General Mills, Inc. must pursue any copyright violations that infringe on our Intellectual Property rights. Without express written approval, it remains illegal for anyone to copy such content and distribute it. We are in fact only sending subpoenas to the people we have identified as the worst offenders, who have freely shared an unreasonably large number of our recipes with others, whether via email, fax, or hand-written recipe cards. We do plan on offering a Recipe Amnesty program, which "would require recipe sharers to admit in writing that they illegally traded recipes and vow in a legally binding, notarized document, never to do it again. These sharers would also be required to destroy any copies of recipes they already possess."

George Bush: Free Energy, Antigravity for All!

Washington, DC - Shocking the Department of Energy, and his entire Cabinet staff, George W Bush announced during his Saturday radio address that the laws of thermodynamics are complete "bullcrap" and that each and every legal citizen in the United States has the rights to free, limitless energy and the ability to break free from the Earth's gravity at will.

Citing a study be a senior staff aerospace defense engineer, George J. Bugh, Bush claimed that "It's obvious that this guy knows what he's talking about. I hear he's been studying this project for seven years. Plus, his name looks a lot like mine."

The President's radio address consisted almost entirely of an apparently pre-recorded reading with Bush's own commentary of a press release of sorts, entitled "Aerospace Defense Research finds Free Energy and Antigravity Possible." This release has been submitted to numerous online news sources, many of which have published the release in its entirety.

"There can be a hidden yet strong tendency towards harmony among all matter in the universe due to these unseen standing waves and spin interactions among all matter. This tendency can overcome to a great extent the tendency towards chaos and heat death of the universe," Bush read from the press release. Bush further commented, "Now I don't know about y'all folks out there, but I'm as afraid of dying from heat as I am from cold, so with free energy, we can all make sure we stay warm! Never again will anyone have to freeze to death! Provided they stay in a shelter operated by charitable organizations, of course, not goverment-run beaurocrats."

Bush read on: "Bugh describes inertial resistance to acceleration as caused by electromagnetic forces. Changes in position of a mass will cause phase differences to develop between the precessional motions of the particles of that mass relative to the sea of standing waves. This in turn causes electromagnetic force that resists a mass from changing its position," to which he wryly commented that it would be a shame to let those electromagnets force us to submit ourselves to our planet's gravity.

Bush encouraged listeners accross the country to purchase Bugh's book, which he named in his radio address, and urged America's scientists to pursue free energy, whatever the costs. "How many children must suffer and die in the heat death of the universe before scientists will be moved to help? Why should your President keep his feet on the ground, harnessed by Earth's gravitational attraction? Please, scientists: give me free energy! Free me from gravity's harsh pull! Free your children, let them float freely in the atmosphere! God Bless America!"