Sunspots, Coronal Mass Ejections on Sun are work of terrorists

Hot on the heels of theories that international terrorists are to blame for the raging California wildfires, NASA has stolen the headlines: extraterrestrial terrorists have launched attacks on Earth, using our Sun as their weapon."Early this morning, NASA space satellites recorded one of the largest coronal mass ejections from the sun that we have ever seen," NASA Kennedy Space Center director James Kennedy announced. "Upon further examination of the video and photographic evidence, we found that an extra-terrestrial craft, approximately the size of Rhode Island, approached that region of the sun, emitted some kind of electromagnetic radiation that we've never seen before, and departed at an incredible velocity just seconds before the ejection."

Officials with NASA, in cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security, are urging citizens to react cautiously to the news. "There is no evidence that the more than 2 billion tons of solar material headed towards Earth will cause any more than temporary disruptions in communications, from a few hours to possibly half a day."

Other scientists paint a grimmer scenario: "This disruption in communications is likely to precede their invasion force. Once they've rendered our communications systems ineffective, we cannot react to their invasion in a coordinated matter," said Ralph Johnson, professor of astrophysics at MIT.

Whatever their motives are, these extraterrestrials clearly have their eyes set on Earth. We will know within a day if their intention is communication or conquest.

NASA sends Coca Cola into Space; Pepsi Disappointed

U.S. space agency cautions that Coke was chosen for chemical properties and is not necessarily the beverage of choice for all researchers at NASA.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL (AP) - On Monday, at 9:17pm EDT, NASA launched a rocket to place a satellite into orbit. This satellite has a curious payload -- six cans of Coca Cola.

"This satellite contains a total of twenty scientific experiments, including the Coke," says Sean Livingston, a NASA scientist. "But the Coke experiment is by far the most fascinating."

Through this experiment, scientists hope to further expand our knowledge of the effects of cosmic rays on carbonated beverages. We currently know very little of the nature of cosmic ray interactions with beverages, carbonated or otherwise.

"If this study proves to be a success, which we can only imagine it will," continued Livingston, "then our next step will be to send an alcoholic beverage into space next. We are currently in talks with Jack Daniels, pursuing this next step."

Excluding the researchers salaries, this experiment has cost taxpayers, a total of $4.7 million, which paid for the special motion-damping suspension, the intra- and extra-can sensors, and the six pack of Coca Cola. The scientists assure us that the payoff from this research though will be priceless.

Pepsi officials declined to comment on the significance of this study, and would only say that Pepsi would have been a better choice. Meanwhile, Pepsi has announced a new relationship with the European Space Agency to study the effects that "weightlessness has on the hip, cool attitude of our Pepsi cola soft drink."

A/C Blamed for high death rate in Southwestern U.S.

Anonymous Reader writes:

Scientists at the University of Arizona at Tucscon have blamed air conditioning as the main cause of cancer in the warm desert southwest of the United States.

Researchers in the biochemistry program at the university ran a study to determine what was at the root of skyrocketing death rates in the region. "When we began the study, we were at a complete loss to explain the high death rate from cancer in the desert southwest," said Philbert Johnson, professor of microbiology. "The death rate in the region is five times per capita of that of the U.S. as a whole."

Relying on forensic investigative techniques, and sometimes a little dumb luck, the scientists forged on with their research. The entire effort lasted over five years, tracking the lives of nearly two hundred people from the Tuscon and Phoenix metro areas.

"We made very thorough inquiries into all of our subjects, keeping careful track of any variables that might skew our results," Dr. Johnson announced. The variables the study accounted for were marital status, home size, number of children, number of grandchildren, number of cars, daily calorie intake, daily salt intake, vitamin and mineral intake, and golf score.

"We could find no correllations between any of these factors and the high incidence of cancer," Johnson continued. "We were practically banging our heads against the wall of our office...when it hit us -- a cold breeze."

The scientists, chilled by their office air conditioner, checked their subjects records: 96% of them had central air cooling in their households, and all but one of the rest had a window-mounted air conditioning unit.

"We went over the numbers again and again, and it just made sense: the air conditioning was killing these people. We actually had 30 people in our study group die over the course of the study."

The scientists are urging people across the southwestern U.S. not to turn up the temperature of their air conditioning, but to turn the air conditioner off completely. "We have no evidence supporting a lower death rate correllating with a warmer A/C temperature. The very presence of an operating air conditioner appears to be the underlying factor. Please, turn off your air conditioner if you value your life!"

US Border Patrol Captures Osama Bin Laden near Canadian Border

"Weird Al"-Qaeda disguise fools onlookers but not border patrol agents

Niagra Falls, NY (AP) - The United States Border Patrol has finally captured Osama Bin Laden as he attempted to enter the country from Canada, disguised as "Weird Al" Yankovic. Officials had long believed Bin Laden was still hiding in caves in the mountains of Afghanistan, but it appears he had managed to sneak out of that country and into Canada, in an attempt to reach U.S. soil. See an exclusive photo in the full story.

Bin Laden had prepared an elaborate disguise, purporting himself to be none other than "Weird Al" Yankovic. This "Weird Al"-Qaeda disguise fooled many onlookers, but aroused the suspicions of the border patrol agents stationed on the U.S. side of Niagra Falls.

The disguise, complete with an accordion, Hawaiian-style shirt, and a chicken hat, gave Bin Laden what he felt was the perfect cover. But keen-eyed agents recognized his face as one of those on the FBI's Most Wanted Terrorist list.

President Bush praised the border patrol agents for their sharp eyes and quick thinking, which have prevented Bin Laden from performing any further acts of terrorism on United States soil. "Without the diligent work of these tireless defenders of freedom, terrorists would be roaming freely in our country. I, and all Americans, salute them for their bravery and fortitude in this war on terrorism," Bush said, as he conferred his praise.

Bin Laden will be transferred to Camp Delta, the Guantanamo Bay detention facility for questioning, and is due to stand trial for cimes against humanity.

The FBI questioned "Weird Al" Yankovic in connection with the investigation of Bin Laden's capture, but officials have announced that Yankovic has cooperated fully and is not a suspect. Byzantine News sources have revealed that Yankovic reported an accordian missing three months ago, of the same model found on Bin Laden. Yankovic reportedly lost the accordion at a concert in upstate New York.

Gubernatorial Debate hosted by Jerry Springer Ends Predicatably

Media, voters not surprised as latest California debate ends with bitch slaps, torn shirts, and accusations of sleeping with other candidates wives/husbands/secret lovers.

California voters saw it coming when Jerry Springer announced that he'd arranged for a debate with the leading gubernatorial candidates in the state's recall election. The debate started off well enough. Members of the studio audience asked the candidates questions, ranging from how to jump start the state's sluggish economy, to whether the candidates social beliefs were even relevant in this race. Then things turned ugly.

Cruz Bustamante had just finished explaining his stance on gay rights in California, when Jerry announced he had a special guest back stage who had something he wanted to share with Cruz. It turned out to be Jorge Gambona, a former comrade from MeCHA, who'd shared an intimate sexual experience with Bustamante; he wanted to rekindle their relationship, but Bustamante would have nothing of it.

When Gambona lept for Bustamante, Schwarzeneggar cut in, grabbed Gambona by the collar and dragged him offstage. "I'll be back," he announced as he went to the door to toss Gambona into the street.

McClintock meanwhile defended himself against the allegations that he has had sex with chickens. The audience booed him as he tried to change the subject towards the state's failing workers compensation system.

Ariana Huffington, officially no longer running attended the debate anyway, and announced that she would have slept with Arnold to boost her own campaign. The Terminator denied having any interest in her, and Arnold's wife ran from her seat in the audience, slapping Huffington and tearing off her blouse before she was restrained.

Springer's final word was sobering:

When politicians bicker and brawl, it's the voters who pay. The politicians who run the fine state of California owe it to their constituency to make the best decisions on their behalf. When they fight, we all lose.

Transcripts of the show are available at www.jerryspringer.com, and a DVD/VHS video will be available in two weeks.