Eastern Orthodox Church concealed Alien Visits

Church reveals documentation of extraterrestrial visits that had remained under lock and key for nearly 1,500 years.

Ecumenical patriarch Bartholomew I today unveiled a startling set of documents that have remained out of public view for up to one and a half millenia. These documents, written on parchment, detail the visits by Aliens to the leaders of the Eastern Orthodox Church in the early years of its separation from mainstream Catholicism.

"With the release of these documents, we are willing to show the world that there is alien life, and they have played an integral part in maintaining our faith in God," Bartholomew I told a press conference in Istanbul.

These hereto secret documents were once only known to a select number of bishops within the Orthodox Church, and are comprised of the original accounts of the alien visits, as well as commentary by subsequent bishops. "The extra terrestrials were truly interested in helping us to maintain our spirtual well-being," Bartholomew I said. "They helped to show us the error of our ways, and reinforced our belief in maintaining the standard of living that Jesus himself would have us aspire to."

The Orthodox Church has asked the Catholic Church to examine the documents, and hopes that this revelation will help to foster a new era of cooperation between the religions, as both share nearly the same set of beliefs.

World will run out of Oxygen in 12 Years

Anonymous Reader writes:

Certain disaster looms in our future, says scientist, as we gradually deplete our atmosphere of O2.

Herman Broktendock, a professor of meteorology at the University of Mississippi, announced today at a class lecture his prediction that we will all be dead in 12 years. Student reactions varied; most felt it was an issue that we need to tackle starting right now.

"Like, Professor Broktendorf is a really smart guy," says Jason McDoogle, one of Broktendock's students. "They don't just make anyone a professor, you know. So like, if he says we're dead unless we stop using oxygen now, he's gotta be totally sure about it."

Broktendock's warning admonished auto manufacturers, who he claims are responsible for the problem.

"Car makers continue to produce cars burning fossil fuels; in fact, they produce more and more cars each year. How can they continue to do this, knowing that each car will burn several dozen tons of oxygen over its lifetime? It's reprehensible. Even President Bush's call for hydrogen-powered cars won't help. Sure, the cars will only produce water as an exhaust, but they still burn oxygen in the process."

Auto manufacturers responded to the professor's claims, telling reporters that they cannot be held responsible for the actions of automobile purchasers: "You don't go after the gun company because the gun's owner shoots someone, right? Same thing for a car: you can't go after us just because someone drives around and uses up the planet's breathable atmosphere."

Environmentalists have latched on to Professor Broktendock's research, heralding it as the evidence they need to pressure Congress to impose strict emissions laws, and require alternative fuels. Stocks of nuclear power plant manufacturers went up on the announcement, since nuclear power generation does not consume any atmospheric oxygen. Many other scientists have urged caution, and will not rush to support Broktendock's conclusions until they have been independently confirmed.

Wife Buys New Outfit; Already has Matching Shoes

Husband Stunned

Irvine, CA - A local man is in disbelief today after his wife returned home from a shopping trip for new clothes, and announced that she already has shoes to match her new outfit.

Adam Howard, 25, of Irvine, CA thought it was just another typical Saturday afternoon. "Boy was I wrong," he explained. "Kim returned home from a trip to the department store, and modeled her new outfit for me. And then she laid this shocking revelation: 'I already have shoes to go with it!'"

"I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. All I could say was 'What?'. So she repeated it, and I was just, like, stunned. I didn't know what to say."

It took Adam a few minutes to fully comprehend what was happening.

"It's just, amazing. She has to have 30 pairs of shoes," explained Adam. "Maybe 50, I don't know. I don't look in her closet that often. All I know is that every time she comes home with new clothes, she always says that she needs new shoes to match it."

Adam compared notes with his friends, and they too have never heard such words uttered by a woman. Kim feels that Adam is blowing this all out of proportion.

"Adam just doesn't get it," Kim told Byzantine News reporters. "You can just match any old shoes; even the most subtle difference in shoe style, shape, or color could totally ruin an outfit. But in this instance...I have shoes that fit those exact qualities that this outfit needs."

Artificial Intelligence experiment goes awry

Dayton, OH - Two hundred twelve lives and tens of thousands of man-hours were lost Saturday after an artificial intelligence experiment went horribly wrong. Full details have not been released yet by authorities, but reports by witnesses tell accounts of violence and bloodshed that security guards and police were unable to stop.

"It was the most horrible thing I have ever seen," according to James Davis, senior engineer on another project at the facility. "They had been testing a new bomb-defusing robot at the Northwest Lab all this week. They were nearly two months behind schedule. The programmers asked for more time, but the project manager felt the code was complete enough. He was wrong."

The first twelve test cases completed successfully, but the next caused a condition known as a buffer-overflow, overwriting the machines instructions with random garbage.

All seven members of the development team perished in the accident, as did over two hundred other researchers present at the facility that day.

"The facility alarms sounded as soon as the robot broke through the lab door," said Bill Roiley, a security supervisor at the research labs. "We tried to disable the robot, but were unsuccessful. It's built to withstand bomb blasts, and it's equipped with an array of blades, projectiles and explosive charges. I lost some of my best men to that machine, and all we achieved was a few dents in its panels."

The robot's rampage lasted four hours as it blasted or sawed through walls and doors, brutally killing any researcher in its path, and the brutality ended only as the robots battery began to fail.

"We really lucked out," said Roiley. "From what I understand, this thing was to be powered by a small nuclear pile rated for 30 years of continuous service, but budgetary cuts forced the use of lead-acid auto batteries for the testing phase. Had this thing had its intended battery, I fear what would have happened as the robot left the facility and ventured into the surrounding community."

Only those researchers and other staff who managed to hide from the robot's thermal imaging sensors were able to avoid a grisly fate as the robot took its turns through the facility. Police officials promise to release more details as the victims' families are notified.

European Union to Institute New Metric Calendar

The European Union has voted overwhelmingly to stop using the cumbersome 12 month, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, 60 minutes an hour and 60 seconds a minute calendar and, instead, use the new, more practical and easier to understand Metric calendar. Forget about minutes and seconds and ever hours now when you travel to Europe. The basic measure of time is now a Degra.

Creator Swedish astrologist Per Hourman explains his new simple-to-use calendar system.

"The basic unit of time is a Degra. It is equivalent to 100 American seconds. The time used to create a second is the same as the American system, but that is where this intelligent system skews. So a second is a centiDegra and there are a 100 centiDegras in a Degra which would be equivalent to an American minute but with more time in it of course. Now there are 100 Degras in a hectaDegra which is equivalent to an American hour but with more time again."

"Finally, there are 10 hectaDegra in a kilaDegra which is the similar unit to a day. Now in a normal American day there are 86,400 seconds, a complicated number, whereas in the new metric calendar there are 100,000 centiDegras in a kilaDegra, which is much easier to remember.

"Therefore because of the difference in time unit between the American calendar and the New Metric Calendar, the metric calendar is only 315 kilaDegras Long. Being that there are less unit kilaDegras than days, there are only 10 tulis or (months) in a libun which is equivalent to a year."

"The new tuli names are tron, bitron, tritron, quadtron, pentatron, hexatron, septatron, octatron, novatron, and decatron. Now since there are only 30 kilaDegras in a tuli and only 10 tulis in a libun that leaves only 300 kilaDegras. The other 15 KilaDegras are placed in the pseudo-tuli pseudo-tron which is place between the tulis on septatron and octatron.

"These 15 kilaDegras are all holidays to be used for festival."

A spokesperson for the EU commented about this new calendar system, "It is about time those pig Americans got something thrown back into their faces, the EU is not using that confusing calendar system anymore!" The new Metric calendar system will be implemented starting the beginning of libun 2004.

United States Military Unveils New Supercomputer

Skynet the wave of the Future!

Washington, DC – Senior Pentagon officials were happy to announce that years of intense research had finally paid off as the new government Supercomputer known as “Skynet” is ready for launch. Skynet will link all of the automated systems across the nation eliminating the chance for human error. While this is seen by many as a success for all, there are certain watchdog groups that are very upset with Skynet’s ability to tap into and control things as mundane and out of the military loop as your personal computer and the internet they see it as the government going to far.

“While we have not as yet announced and official roll out date for Skynet we are very excited by all the wonderful possibilities it offers,” said General Mark Williams, Assistant Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “Eliminating human error and streamlining our command and control processes will once again make it obvious why we have the best damn military in the world.”

Senior staffers at the White House said that the president who had initially been all for the startup of the Skynet system has cooled on it recently after watching a couple of movies his daughters had rented from Blockbuster to watch on “Family Night”. While some say it is possible that the president may again reverse his position many feel it is unlikely.

“He suddenly seemed really spooked by the project,” said one Senior Bush Administration Official. “When he took a good close look at some of the stuff he started really freaking out it was pretty weird. I really thought he was going to faint when he saw the design we came up with for these cyborg things the Pentagon had designed to protect Skynet. He really didn’t like the fact that we had used Arnold Schwartzennegger as the model for the design either. He kept screaming, ‘Do you asses watch movies, or do you just ignore everything around you.’ It was pretty freaky.”

Some in the Pentagon were initially worried about this since some of the systems needing to be turned over to Skynet needed Presidential approval, such as Nuclear and Undead controls, but already some things have been turned over to the system. As yet no disasters have been reported, though there was one near miss.

“I did get one odd command the other day,” said US Marine Colonel Robert Harris at the Guantanimo Bay base in Cuba. “It told us to kill all the Cubans and then one another. We almost started doing it when a counter order came down. I’m sure they just have to iron the bugs out.”

“Once we have President Bush, or the next President on board we’ll advance forward,” said General Williams. “The President’s concerns over Skynet becoming self aware and deciding we are its enemies is extremely unlikely. Once he realizes that Skynet will not in fact slaughter the human race in Nuclear fire on a day known as Judgment Day, he’ll sign off and we can get this thing started.”

Wisconsin Irradiates Welfare Recipients

Controversial Welfare-to-Work program tested experimental "work-inducing" radiation on jobless

Madison, WI - State officials and the University of Wisconsin - Madison Board of Regents admitted Wednesday to an experimental program conducted by a research group at the university which irradiated welfare recipients with several doses of so-called W-rays (work rays). The experiments, which took place in 1999, were funded by a collaborative effort including the State Department of Workforce Development and Monster.com.

"Project W, as it was known, was a failed attempt to decrease unemployment in the state by inducing a strong work ethic in the unemployed," Roberta Gassman, Secretary of the DWD, stated in a press conference. "The W-rays have shown proven results in animal laboratory experiments: rats and rabbits exposed to the radiation displayed marked improvements in problem solving and cooperation exercises. Human trials were authorized in the State's Balanced Budget Act of 1997, along with the creation of the Welfare-to-Work program."

The officials at the press conference revealed that the W-rays were administered through what appeared to be a metal detector at the entrance to the unemployment offices in Dane, Jefferson and Rock counties.

"Did Project W work? The results are unclear," said Jim McNeehan, an associate professor in the biophysics program at the university. "Those who received multiple full doses of the W-rays did not rejoin the workforce any more quickly than their control group counterparts, but those who received between one and three moderate doses did show a slight decrease in unemployed time. Clearly, further study is needed, with a larger sample group that was assigned for Phase 2."

Because of the state's impending $3.2 billion deficit, there is no money available to conduct Phase 2 of Project W, so it has been postponed. Phase 2 would have expanded the Project to all counties in the southern half of the state, and would have included aptitude and problem-solving tests for the experimental subjects, both before and after the radiation was administered.

Supporters of Project W say that the project will help the budget situation within a year, as welfare recipients return to work and generate more revenue for the state. They have started a petition to resume funding the project in the State's next biennial budget.

USAF Holds Top Secret Area 51 Garage Sale

Las Vegas, NV - Leaked governmental memos, heavily censored with black markers, indicate that the United States Air Force has been taking bids from other governmental agencies as well as NGOs (non governmental organizations) for equipment from the Groom Lake, Nevada facility popularly known as Area 51. Area 51 is widely believed to be the testing grounds for acquired alien technology.

One of the memos, acquired by Byzantine Communications reporters, seems to indicate that the Area 51 commanders have been actively soliciting bids on various items. None of these items are named; each is referred to only by a six digit number.

Sources within the White House said that the auction was by invitation only, and refused to name any invitees, saying only that several dozen "governmental agencies, universities, and corporations" were invited to participate.

The Area 51 facility has long been surrounded by controversy and fears of government conspiracy. There are few who have clearance high enough to enter the base, and no one who works there has been bold enough to leak any substantial proof of the technologies contained within. In fact, the memo obtained by Byzantine Communications is the most compelling piece of hard evidence obtained to date.

Military officials dismissed the memo as a forgery, and would not comment on whether the auctioned property was in any way related to accident that occurred at an Area 51 laboratory last month.

28 Days Later - Worst Sequel Ever

Star of the 2000 hit 28 Days, Sandra Bullock doesn't even make an appearance in the sequel.

It is a generally accepted rule that a sequel to a blockbuster movie will have a hard time living up to the stature of the first movie. House Party II wasn't as good as House Party, Rockie V didn't live up to the original Rockie flick, and Batman and Robin (1997) didn't even come close to Batman (1989, or for that matter, the original Adam West movie).

At least those movies kept the same general theme as the first movie. The sequel to 28 Days doesn't even fit in the same genre.

In 28 Days, Sandra Bullock's character Gwen must come to terms with the fact that she is an alcoholic, and overcome that problem in order to better her life. Gwen is battling with an inner conflict, and must recognize her own faults and the problems that her alcoholic lifestyle have caused not only for herself, but for those nearest to her. The audience feels deeply for Gwen, as the development of her character is none short of excellent.

28 Days Later, on the other hand, presents us with Jim (Cillian Murphy), freshly woken from a coma and forced to battle against people infected with a virus that awakens a murderous rage within them. There is no inner struggle at all -- how can you take time to consider the impact that your alcoholism, or your quick temper, or even your persistent stubbornness has on those around you, when the only thing that those around you want to do is kill you?

As a horror movie, 28 Days Later is above par. Not always downright scary, but ever thrilling, this movie will likely not fare as well with the fans of the first movie, who will likely already have dismissed this one, for lack of Sandra Bullock. If you overlook the fact that this movie is in fact a sequel, and look at it as though it were an original film not subsequent to the original film, you will certainly be able to accept this film on its own merits.

Rating: *** out of ****

(Even considering the alienation of 28 Days fans, this movie is worth seeing.)

Aliens consider issuing public apology

Washington D.C – Byzantine News sources here in Washington have uncovered a letter from high ranking Alien officials stating their intention to reveal their existence, and to apologize for their behavior towards humans. Contained with the letter is a rough draft of what the Aliens are planning to issue to all major news sources through the Associated Press sometime next week. Also it is said in the letter that a high ranking Alien official will consent to doing an interview with the New York Times, as the Aliens seek a respected and authoritarian paper with which to disseminate their multi-faceted agenda.

“Many have speculated that we may have built the pyramids,” said one excerpt from the letter. “This is untrue. In reality there was a group of us who decided it would be fun to act like gods…and so we forced your ancestors to build them. Sorry about that really.”

While many scientists and historians reeled at the information contained within these secret documents, and some denied their validity, others saw what was a very unpopular opinion suddenly proved correct or at least close to correct by these findings.

“Some of the things mentioned here I have to admit even I hadn’t considered,” said one historian. “However many of the things that are mentioned in this document back up what I have been saying for years. I think the University of Washington is going to regret revoking my tenure.”

The Aliens also plan to apologize for the following:

Anal Probes - "I know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. It ended up not teaching us much more about you than the fact that roughly 10% of you liked the process."

Cattle killing - "We don't really have meat where we're from...we were trying to figure out how to carve off a steak or maybe make a hamburger. As you can see the results were very messy at first."

Crop Circles - "All I can say on this one is Aliens have teenage children too. I hope enough said on that one."

Velcro - "It was suposed to be a funny joke...how did we know you guys would like that crap so much"

UFO Sightings - "Yeah that was us...did you really expect us to stop by because you spotted us though?"

FDA opens investigation of ''Weird Al''

Agency claims that singer promotes overeating, obesity.

Richmond. VA - The Food and Drug Administration announced
Tuesday that they are opening an investigation into popular singer ''Weird Al" Yankovic, alleging that his song lyrics are compounding the problems with overeating and obesity faced by nearly two-thirds of Americans.

FDA spokesman Richard Overland told reporters Tuesday that the Agency will consider demanding a total recall of all albums available in stores, and will even offer a cash refund to consumers in exchange for returning already-purchased CDs, cassette tapes, and vinyl records.

"Obesity has become a problem of epidemic proportions in the United States over the past twenty years," Overland explained, "and we believe that it is no coincidence that Mr. Yankovic has been producing music for this same amount of time."

Overland cites the lyrics of several "Weird Al" songs as problematic for the health of Americans. Most of these songs can be found on the album released as The Food Album, "a compilation of the worst offending songs by the artist," notes Overland.

"How do the following lyrics promote health?" Overland postured, then read the following from Yankovic's hit song, "Eat It":

Have some more chicken
Have some more pie
It doesn't matter
If it's boiled or fried

Just eat it, just eat it
Just eat it, just eat it... Woo!

When asked to comment on the pending investigation, Yankovic responded: "It's a parody, ok? That's protect speech, isn't it? I mean, c'mon!"

Sales of his latest CD, Poodle Hat, have been largely unaffected by the FDA announcement, despite the FDA's warning that constipation is a serious medical issue, and a warning that children may be tempted to imitate Yankovic's lyrics to "A Complicated Song," which deal with eating nineteen extra large pizzas.