Washington D.C – Byzantine News sources here in Washington have uncovered a letter from high ranking Alien officials stating their intention to reveal their existence, and to apologize for their behavior towards humans. Contained with the letter is a rough draft of what the Aliens are planning to issue to all major news sources through the Associated Press sometime next week. Also it is said in the letter that a high ranking Alien official will consent to doing an interview with the New York Times, as the Aliens seek a respected and authoritarian paper with which to disseminate their multi-faceted agenda.
“Many have speculated that we may have built the pyramids,” said one excerpt from the letter. “This is untrue. In reality there was a group of us who decided it would be fun to act like gods…and so we forced your ancestors to build them. Sorry about that really.”
While many scientists and historians reeled at the information contained within these secret documents, and some denied their validity, others saw what was a very unpopular opinion suddenly proved correct or at least close to correct by these findings.
“Some of the things mentioned here I have to admit even I hadn’t considered,” said one historian. “However many of the things that are mentioned in this document back up what I have been saying for years. I think the University of Washington is going to regret revoking my tenure.”
The Aliens also plan to apologize for the following:
Anal Probes - "I know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. It ended up not teaching us much more about you than the fact that roughly 10% of you liked the process."
Cattle killing - "We don't really have meat where we're from...we were trying to figure out how to carve off a steak or maybe make a hamburger. As you can see the results were very messy at first."
Crop Circles - "All I can say on this one is Aliens have teenage children too. I hope enough said on that one."
Velcro - "It was suposed to be a funny joke...how did we know you guys would like that crap so much"
UFO Sightings - "Yeah that was us...did you really expect us to stop by because you spotted us though?"
