Dear Byzantine News Financial Experts,
Due to an upcoming felony sexual assault trial, several of the companies who have given me endorsement deals have pulled out of their contracts with me, or are considering it. This has left me in a very difficult situation, as I will now have to support my wife and daughter entirely on my more than ten million dollar NBA contract. How would you suggest I make ends meet?
Short on Cash B-ball Player
Dear Short on Cash,
We understand the hardships that a financial situation such as yours can cause, and we know that if you follow our advice, you will be able to make it through these rough times. We are not saying it will be easy, but we will help you to make the most of the dollars you have.
The first step you need to take is to examine your monthly budget. You can't expect to save money if you don't know exactly how you're spending it. You will need to sit down with your credit card statements, loan bills, and utility bills to see where your money is going. We've put together a sample for you below:
Mortgage $25,000
Auto Loans $11,200
Electricity $ 1,250
Internet Access $ 50
Wild Parties $15,000
Gasoline $ 2,500
Dining Out $ 5,000
Clothing $10,000
Shoes $ 500
Groceries $ 1,000
Security System $ 400
Sharpie Markers $ 50
Whores for buddies $ 9,500
Figuring out your current budget is half the battle. Once you've identified where your money is going, now you can figure out where to cut to stay within your salary. First you need to identify what expenses are fixed (like your mortgage, or auto loan payments). Then for the rest of your expenses, you can decide whether you can cut them down, or eliminate them outright. For instance, you could very easily cut fifty dollars from your electric budget if you switch to energy-efficient fluorescent light bulbs in your homes. And if you set your friends up with some skanky sluts instead of expensive call girls, you could completely eliminate any prostitute-related expenses from your budget. That's a savings of nearly ten thousand dollars!
So just by taking these simple steps, we're confident that you can weather this difficult time in your career, and come out stronger, because you know now how to best spend your money. Good luck!
