Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?

Hit new book by Wisconsin man due to take NY Times Best Sellers list by storm this holiday season.

Cudahy, WI -- Outsider author Matthew Roeder has today made literary history with his first book, Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?. Dismissed by critics, the tales of man vs bad food have proven itself to have the right recipe for success.

The book is not carried by Amazon.com or by Borders or Barnes and Noble, but is available through independent book sellers as well as through Wal-Mart.

"Is there anything worse than biting into a burger, or slice of pizza, or bowl of soup, only to find that it tastes like it dropped out of someone's butt? I sure hope not," Roeder told reporters.

Roeder plans to use his newfound status as a best-selling writer to unload some more gripes he has with service providers. He is already well underway in writing the sequel Why Does Everyone Smell Like Ass?. Roeder and his publisher are in talks for the terms for any books written beyond the first two.

Thousands of Political Analysts to join ranks of unemployed

Washington, DC - After the dust from the highly contentious 2004 presidential election has settled, thousands of political analysts are projected to lose their jobs, say sources at the major networks.

"They just won't be needed anymore, at least not in these numbers, at least until the next congressional elections," says an executive for FOX News. "In this election season, if you resume even had anything related to politics in your 'hobbies' section, you got a job as an analyst. The level of political analysis this country currently has, however, cannot be sustained without an impending election."

Sources at ABC and CBS news agencies have revealed similar situations at their networks.

The networks have not publicly stated their intentions for all of their political analysts, but sources state that all efforts have been made to retain the analysts where possible.

At FOX, for example, some of the top political analysts will be guest-hosts on the news network's shows, or may be called in to provide analysis on other issues, such as court trials of celebrities or they may be embedded with troops battling the War on Terror.

At CBS, an unnamed assistant for the 60 Minutes show had this to say: "Certainly we want to keep talent, but we're faced with a supply glut of political analysts. Either wages have to go down, or those less skilled will have to be eliminated."

Sources familiar with News Corp have suggested that the FOX News division may be working with the 21st Century Fox and the Fox television network divisions on a movie about political analysis in the 2004 election, as well as a possible reality TV series featuring the soon-to-be unemployed analysts.

Fondue King stiffed at local restaurant

Eatery ran out of fondue, offered hummus instead. Fondue King vows "never to forget this shameful night."

North Orange County's own self-proclaimed Fondue King Jason McPheron suffered a grevious insult Friday night when a favorite local restaurant reneged on its promise to suppy McPheron and his guests with a pot full of delicious bubbling cheese and brandy.

Witnesses report that the Fondue King maintained his composure despite the restaurant's inability to produce the meal as ordered. "He totally kept his cool," one patron noted. "But you could tell he was pissed. This man is like the Godfather of Fondue. I wouldn't be surprised if the restaurant's manager woke up with a horse head in his bed or something."

It is unknown whether the restaurant's manager owns any horses.

Local police report that they have been asked to provide additional security for the manager and the server who waited on the Fondue King. McPheron has never been indicted in any incidents resulting from fondue mishaps, but due to his reputation, authorities are taking no chances.

"It is our duty to serve and protect the citizens of this county," an Orange County sherriff's deputy told reporters. "I personally have no respect for a man who entices you with the thoughts of a delicous bowl of fondue, then fails to deliver...but I can't let that interfere with my aforementioned duties."

Bush: ''Undead soldiers make a draft irrelevant for today's military''

Seeking to stamp out Internet rumors of a draft should he be reelected, President Bush announced today that we will never need to have a draft again, and he's introduced a Constitutional amendment bill to ensure it."The United States of America will not draft the living into its military under my watch, and if I have my way, never again," Bush announced in Iowa on the campaign trail. Bush unveiled a constitutional amendment proposal to forbid the federal government from being able to draft people unwillingly into the military. The catch -- the U.S. Constitution would grant the President unlimited access to vast reserves of zombie soldiers for use in times of war.

Vice President Cheney echoed Bush's rhetoric. "We pride our nation on having the best, the brightest army on Earth, composed entirely of volunteers willing to serve their country. We don't want to force people to serve their country: America is based on freedom, not force. But we will acknowledge that there may be times when our military needs require more than our volunteer army is able to provide. That's where this constitutional amendment will come into play."

The amendment will make it illegal for the U.S. government to draft any living person into the military. Zombies are specifically excluded from the draft prohibitions.

Analysts on Fox News applauded the President's proposal. "This will give America overwhelming military strength in times of need," Shawn Hannity told viewers of Hannity and Colmes. "We can hope that we will never again need to use undead zombie soldiers to defend our country, but the President of the United States must have the ability to call them into service as a last resort."

Democrats dismiss the constitutional amendment as a diversion from the real issues. John Edwards, vice presidential candidate in the Kerry campaign, told ralliers, "The Constitution has only been amended a handful of times over the years. The chances of this controversial amendment being accepted are slim at best. The President is very likely to call for a draft if he doesn't get this amendment, and you can bet that if he does get it, he will use his vast zombie army to enforce the Patriot Act and terrorize our nation's own citizens. So vote for me and John Kerry!"

Instant surveys indicate that 60% of Americans would be comfortable with the new amendment, because zombie soldiers cannot be killed, which has the potential to allow the US to engage in a casualty-free war on terrorism.

Bush Threw First Debate to Get Bounce from Second Debate

A Republican party staffer alleges that President Bush purposefully lost the first debate so that his comeback in the second debate would result in a bounce in his poll numbers. The President and his staff vigorously deny the allegation."What would I have to gain by losing a debate on purpose?" Bush asked a crowd of supporters in Minnesota on Saturday. "Of course I didn't do that. I'll grant you, I wasn't at the top of my game for the first debate, but it was not for lack of trying, and I've learned from the first one how to do even better on the second."

The allegations come from a Republican staffer who would only speak with the press anonymously. This staffer is said to have worked closely with the President's own people in the hours before the first debate.

"I can tell you that the President's own staffers were acting awfully suspiciously that day," the staffer told reporters. "They were very careful about what they said when others were around. But when I was in the restroom in a stall, and they didn't realize I was there, two of them were arguing over whether or not it could work for the President to lose this debate to win the next."

It's a well known fact that George W Bush is not seen as a strong debater. Whitehouse staffers say that Bush is a whole different character when he can deal with people, rather than a rigid debate format. This different is what the President's staff attributes to his stellar performance on Friday.

The anonymous Republican staffer also dispelled rumors that the President was wired during the first debate. "Seriously, he did so badly that first time, who in their right mind would think that someone was talking him through the debate? Anyway, I saw him, front and back, without his jacket on before he went onstage, and there was no wire."

The latest polls still show John Kerry and George W Bush in a very tight race, but Republican leaders point to several polls that show Bush ahead as evidence that undecided voters were swayed by Bush's debate performance. The third debate is scheduled for October 13 at Arizona State University in Tempe.

Your Thoughts: Is ''28 Days Later'' really sequel to ''28 Days''?

In light of reader feedback to our review of 28 Days Later, sequel to Sandra Bullock's hit 28 Days movie, we at It's News, Dammit! are interested in finding out just what you think. Is 28 Days Later really a sequel? Its title would certainly suggest that it is. But it does lack all of the heartfelt goodness that Bullock lent to the first film. What do you think?At It's News, Dammit!, your opinion matters. Here's what some of our readers think about 28 Days Later.


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From: Jeremy Hunter (inlove_withska@hotmail.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
Duh 28 days later has no prequel, of course it would be a bad sequel of 28 days, because it's not a sequel! Just because they have similar names does NOT mean that 28 days later is a sequel of 28 days. The fact you can THINK they are even related is an embarrasement to human IQ. It shows nothing but the fact you are mentally inept. They have nothing to do with each other.



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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
Hello. I'm wirinting this message to A Howard (I think his full name was Adam Howard) who wrote what had to be one of the stupidest and most ignorant articles I've ever seen. Adam Howard wrote about 28 days later, calling it the worst sequel ever becuase it had nothing to do with the movie 28 days. Adam, I hope your joking. That stupid Sandra Bullock movie has nothing to do with 28 later at ALL except for similar titles! Not only do they have none of the same actors, writers, directors, or anybody involved, but the movies couldn't be any more different! What, you saw the words "28 day" and just assumed they were realted? And then just proceded to critize 28 days later? And then, top it all off, you posted your article on the internet?!?!? GOOD LORD!!!!! I'm speachless. Uterly speachless. Please write back me and my God tell me i'm not the only person who noticed this!!!



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From: Joe Smith (xdafez@anonymizer.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
I was wondering myself why this sequel sucked so much. Great review dude!
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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
"28 Days later" had nothing to do with "28 days" except for the title! It wasn't a sequel! Its just a coincidence! Holy crap ahoward is retarded!



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From: Sheila (Wolfkin33@hotmail.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
Your review on the movie "28 days later" was absolute shit. The Movie "28 days" with Sandra Bullock and the movie "28 days later" with Cillian Murphy, had NOTHING to do with each outher. 28 Days later was NOT the sequel to the Sandra Bullock movie. If your so incompetent that you cant even get simple facts right, than you shouldent be writing news. Get your facts straight befor reporting.



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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
Its me again. And yes I will keep on writing to you I get some kind of response! What do I have to say? Why you should know that already! I'm here to say that the 28 Days Later article is comlete bullshit. it critisizes the movie for not haveing to do with the movie 28 Days, when in fact those 2 movies are in no ways related! Different actors, different dirrectors, different writers, MADE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! 28 Days Later isn't a fucking sequal!! Are you guys retarded? Now please write back or i'll just keep writing to you! Thanx!!



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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
I stumbled upon your website and while i was reading the 28 Days Later article I noticed simething interesting......it's complete bullshit! 28 Days Later is not in any way, shape, or form a sequal to 28 Days! The movies have different actors, different writers, different directors, different prodcers, and THEY WERE MADE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! Is that enough clues for you guys? What do you assume t was a sequal just because they both have the words "28 Days" in them? I'm really perplexed by this article so please do me a favor and write back to me at Danielzg1@aol.com. Thank you.



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From: Joe (fossilruins@hotmail.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
If you think that "28 days later" is a sequel to "28 days", you must have just came out of a coma yourself. You should retract this article due to your ignorance about movie names and that they may not be a sequel. "28 days later" is about a nightmare of a virus spreading through the lands. "28 days" is an idiot chick flick. THEY ARE NOT RELATED. Let's look at the understanding of a sequel: They tie the continuation of the new story to the old story. Does "28 days later" do that? NO! Why? THEY ARE NOT PART OF THE SAME STORY LINE! Just retract this article of your opinion (due to you are WRONG), and quit your job as being a film critic, and allow us to see REAL news of TRUTH, not misunderstandings of movie names and falsely believing all you know came from "28 days". I'm now going to go vomit from reading about your "thinking" that "28 days later" was a sequel to "28 days". Advice: Do some actual research about movies before you attempt to think that sequels are all related to movies that have nothing to do with the other.



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From: Floyd Ong (mtb@hotmail.com)
To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com
Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
"28 Days Later - Worst Sequel Ever"
"Star of the 2000 hit 28 Days, Sandra Bullock doesn't even make an appearance in the sequel."
Is not the sequel to 28 days you dufus.

Kerry Camp furious over ''Flip-Flop'' email from Bush Camp

The Kerry campaign has had its feathers ruffled following a Bush campaign email that encourages Bush supporters to wear flip-flops while watching the presidential debates."This is an outrageous, childish prank on the part of the Bush campaign," John Edwards, Kerry's running mate, complained to reporters. "I am sadly disappointed that the President has approved such a campaign gimmick."


Bush supporters see the issue differently. "The majority of Americans aren't politically active, and don't know a thing about the Democrat's choice for president," Michael Reagan said to his talk-radio audience. "They don't know that John Kerry can't or won't pick a position and stick with it, that his opinions change with the political winds, that he says whatever it takes to make his current audience happy. We're going to help educate those people by wearing flip-flops during the debates, as a symbol of John Kerry's opinions."


Several Kerry campaign officials have on the condition of anonymnity acknowledged that the Bush's flip-flop gimmick has the potential to do great harm to Kerry's own campaign. One campaigner said, "Kerry has been struggling in the polls to come back from the Bush bounce, and a gimmick as catchy as this one has the potential to sink Kerry's ratings even futher."


Behind the scenes, Kerry campaign officials are desperately seeking their own campaign gimmick in the hours before the first debate starts, something to counter the effects of the flip-flop gimmick -- in the time since the official campaign email went out, mass email notices have been circulating on the 'Net, encouraging everyone to tell their family and friends to wear flip-flops.


The Kerry campaign has also not ruled out filing a complaint with the Federal Election Commission regarding the email. The Bush camp argues that nothing about the email violates any federal election rules, and the FEC commissioner has issued a statement that on the surface, he sees nothing wrong with the actions of the Bush campaign, but will initiate an investigation if a formal complaint is filed by the Kerry campaign.

12-Year old blasts Kerry response to Bush acceptance speech

"That was the lame-ass-est speech I've ever heard, " says Johnathan Walker. "John Kerry sounded more desperate than my older brother is to get a date. My kid brother has better comebacks than John Kerry too."

The Kerry camp promises that "this is the last time we let John write his own speeches.""I mean, when you start off your speech practically endorsing your opponent, you lose," says Walker, referring to Kerry's opening "The election comes down to this. If you believe this country is heading in the right direction, you should support George Bush."

"And that's just the beginning."

"Like, he mentions going to Vietnam like it makes up for all his other deficiencies. And then he mentions it some more for good measure. Give it up dude, the Vietnam war is over."

"And he just sounded pissed off that Bush and Cheney and that Zell guy didn't think he had the right stuff to lead the military. He sounded way too pissy to be president, as far as I'm concerned."

"He keeps claiming 'We need to take America in a new direction. And we have a specific plan to do just that.' but when's the last time you heard any specifics?"

"Probably the worst is when he saluted and said 'I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty.' I bet he does that before he hops into the bed at night. Sick."

Jonathan and the aforementioned kid brother James agree that "Kerry sucks ass." Polls among their friends show his ass-suckage rating at an all time high.

Johnathan is currently nursing a large bruise on his upper arm, delivered by his older brother Ralph as a result of the desperation comment. "He deserved it," says Ralph, adding, "He'll get better."

Sit 'n Sleep admits nothing -- story removed

At the request of Peter Gellerman, attorney representing mattress seller Sit 'n Sleep, this story has been removed.Admittedly, the story, which I still believe was satire, was pretty harsh on Sit 'n Sleep. Maybe I should have made up a company and slogan, rather than pick on that of Sit 'n Sleep, which is a respectable firm, who I even myself purchased a mattress through (if I remember correctly, I can check the receipt later), even though I really did detest the radio ads they used to air. My purpose in writing the story was to amuse, not to slander the company (although I will still hold to my thought that the slogan is silly -- wouldn't it be cheaper for them to beat a competitor's price than to give away a free mattress? But a free mattress does sound better...anyhow).

Anyway, rather than summon the full legal force of Peter Gellerman upon myself, I've caved to his insistence that the story be taken down. Whether I was legally required to do so will not be determined, as I can't afford to meet Mr Gellerman in court -- maybe the story was ok legally, maybe it crossed a line that it shouldn't have. But hey, it was nice talking with you Gellerman! Let me know if this meets with your approval (call please...you know my number).

What the Bush Administration DOESN'T want you to know

It's News, Dammit uncovers strong evidence to support claims that the White House has suppressed the availability of important information on the Internet.Computer forensics experts working for Byzantine Communications have uncovered a large repository of information stored on the whitehouse.gov web server that the Bush administration doesn't want people to find. Due to Freedom of Information mandates, the governmental information must be publicly accessible, but the White House's IT staff has exploited a loophole in the law, making every effort to keep the public from finding out about this information.

The technical means through which the Bush Administration is suppressing the information is use of a robots file, which restricts the ability of search engine to catalog a web page. With the robot restrictions in place, for example, Google cannot "spider" those restricted web pages.

Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry has launched a radio and television ad assault on the current administration's information repression policy. Here is one short radio ad's text:

How is it that John Ashcroft can view your library and bookstore purchase records, but you can't find supposedly public information regarding the Iraq war or the Department of Homeland Security on www.whitehouse.gov? As your president, I will share all information with you. I'm John Kerry, and I approve of this message.

The Kerry campaign has also launched a massive web blitz, urging people to link to the list of repressed websites at this address: http://www.whitehouse.gov/robots.txt. Through increased exposure, the campaign argues, Americans will learn just to what extend the Bush administration wants to hide information from the public.

White House officials argue that there is no conspiracy, no coverup of information. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan: "All of the information disallowed in the robots file is merely to conserve bandwidth by minimizing search engine traffic. Any citizen can go to whitehouse.gov and use the site map, or the site search functionality to find all of this information. It is available for public consumption, in accordance with all of the laws and regulations in place."

Members of the information technology community remain unimpressed with the web restrictions, as well as the reaction to it. "A robots.txt file cannot suppress information, and cannot be enforced by any technology. It's an 'on your honor' system. A rogue search engine could ignore the robots restrictions, cataloging each and every link on a website," says Martijn Koster, a respected expert on web search technology.

"Also, the Kerry campaign has greatly overblown this issue. Take a look at the whitehouse.gov robots.txt file. It's mostly just info of some historical or press-release nature. Does Google really need to give a high page rank to the 2004 state easter eggs, or tee ball pictures from 2003? If you think there's some hidden agenda going on, go search the robots.txt file yourself."

Girl still has hope for dog lost over Hoover Dam

"i hope this person didn't lose their dog, because that would just be sad."

Djibouti, Africa -- A girl here is still holding out hope that a dog lost over the Hoover Dam in Nevada may have been found.

Linking on her website to what appears to be a photograph from a family vacation photo album, her web page shows an image of a dog chasing a Frisbee over the edge of the Hoover Dam, with a man, presumably his owner, watching in horror as his dog falls 726 feet to his presumably untimely end.

Calls to the Hoover Dam visitor center to find out more about the dog in the photo have gone unanswered, but Marvin Hagworth, spokesman for the Bureau of Reclamation (which operates the dam) made these comment:

At a height of over seven hundred twenty feet, it's unlikely that a dog would survive the fall. In fact, he probably would land on one of the many structures at the bottom of the dam, rather than landing in the water, what with the prevailing winds and the apparent velocity of the dog in the photo, and those structures are made of concrete, so it wouldn't be a soft landing.

I've personally checked with the Dam operators, and they told me that there have been no reports of lost dogs at the Dam, nor any reports of animal carcasses appearing near the base of the dam."

Some animal rights groups have voiced their concern that the Frisbee may have been deliberately thrown over the edge of the dam, citing statistics that most dogs taken on family vacations are then abandoned hundreds or thousands of miles from home. Such a possibility cannot be ruled out at this time.

Spokesman Hagworth could not comment on whether the Hoover Dam visitor center would soon be ordering new warning signs for the visitor areas atop the dam, advising visitors not to throw any Frisbees or old tennis balls. Any such developments, Hagworth assured us, will be made available to the media.

The Djibouti girl, pictured at right, remains cautiously optimistic about the dog's fate. With no definitive evidence of the dog's whereabouts, she says, it's too early to jump to any conclusions.

Urinal Screen Changes Man's Life

"This urinal screen reached out to me and ended my downward spiral into the world of alcohol and illicit drugs."

San Francisco, CA - Robert Raydur, an entrepreneur from Chicago has become the new spokesman for Swisher Hygiene, a company which he credits with saving his life. On a business trip to San Francisco, Raydur stopped in the B Spot restaurant to use the restroom, where he saw Swisher's trademark urinal screen with its "Say No to Drugs" message.

"I went to the bathroom just before leaving the restaurant. I was planning to use drugs. Then I saw the screen at the bottom of the urinal. My life has been changed ever since that moment," Raydur told reporters.

"My family had tried to introduce me to Jesus, take me to AA meetings, but none of it worked. It's as if I had to hit bottom in my life, and that bottom was right at the base of that urinal."

Raydur will be touring the country, selling Swisher Hygiene products and services largely to fast food franchises, touting the strong anti-drug messages found on Swisher's urinal products.

John Kerry reveals platform: ''I'm Still Not Bush!''

John Kerry Thursday night unveiled his campaign platform before the Democratic Convention, to the delight of the party delegates who selected him. "I'm still not Bush and I never will be!" Kerry shouted to cheering crowds of delegates. Party leaders are pleased with Kerry's platform, and believe it will lead him to victory.In his acceptance speech, John Kerry laid out three facets of his campaign platform:

1. I am still not George W Bush.
2. I never will be George W Bush.
3. Did I mention I went to Vietnam?

"The first two points are designed to appeal to the hard-core liberal elements of the Democratic party: the gay marriage advocates, the government health care proponents, the 'We hate that election-stealer Bush' element," Kerry strategist Tad Devine explained. "The third point we believe will convince swing voters that John Kerry is really the man they want to be president."

Kerry strategists believe that if Kerry can successfully convey these three key messages to the American public, that they will pull the voting lever for him.

"What's going to be really important for Kerry is to get these points out in every single speech he makes," Devine said. "Every sentence, every word he speaks has to say 'I'm not George W Bush' or reflect back on his time in Vietnam."

In fact, Kerry's acceptance speech included references to Vietnam no fewer than thirty-eight times, which works out to nearly one Vietnam mention per minute.

John Kerry and his campaign managers will do everything in their power to get out the message that he's not George W Bush. "Fingerprints, blood or urine tests," said Kerry campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill. "We will prove to the American voters that John Kerry is still not George W Bush."

DECLASSIFIED: JFK could have ended Vietnam War with Undead Soldiers

Documents recently declassified through the Freedom of Information Act showing a secret Pentagon project in 1960 to train zombie soldiers; other documents indicate that President Kennedy refused to allow the military to take those undead soldiers into Vietnam, favoring traditional military techniques instead.Washington, DC -- President Kennedy's refusal to allow the Pentagon to send highly-trained zombie soldiers into Vietnam may be responsible for the United State's decade-plus long involvement in the war, experts say after reviewing the declassified documents.

The documents detailing the 1960 zombie training program paint a picture of a dedicated faction of military scientists working to prevent military casualties. The project, according to the documents, was immensely successful, with training exercises and simulations showing civilian casualty rates near zero percent, friendly fire casualties also down significantly. Perhaps most significantly, the documents state that the zombie soldiers could have replaced the entire front line of the US military in Vietnam, protecting our own soldiers behind a wall of unstoppable fighting creatures.

"I don't even need to tell you how many lives this could have saved," said Philbert McNamey, a military historian specializing in the Vietnam War. "With this army of undead soldiers under our control, we could have saved Vietnam from falling to Communism, or even have marched this army into China and the U.S.S.R. to completely erradicate the communist threat."

A source close to the Kennedy family, speaking anonymously, says it was JFK's Catholic upbringing that ultimately kept him from approving the use of the zombies. "Voodoo and the black arts [which turn dead bodies into zombies] are seen as sinful, and the tools of Satan according to the Roman Catholic catechism. John couldn't justify using the tools of the devil to attack communism, as evil as communism itself may have been. 'You can fight fire with fire,' JFK said, 'but you can't fight evil with the tools of the devil.'"

Nader outraged by ''This Land Is Your Land'' political satire web cartoon

"Why ain't I in it?" Nader demands of the creators, the Spiridellis brothers, who have this three minute long cartoon song and dance posted at their website JibJab.comHeralded as this weeks fastest-spreading non-virus email, people around the country are sharing the link to this web parody of President George Bush and presidential-hopeful John Kerry.

Ralph Nader has objected to the widespread viewing of this cartoon, because it purports to show America it's choices for the November election, but it leaves out the Nader Choice™.

"I have a strong following among young people with technological skills," Nader said to a reporter. "Given the blueprints for this web cartoon, I'm sure we could work in some images of me, and Peter Camejo too."

Nader even offered up some suggested lyrics for his refrain in the song:

This land is your land

This land is my land

I really want to

Get e-lected.

Please vote for me,

I'm really the best shot we got.

This land should really vote for me.

Many Nader supporters are complaining of disenfranchisement, because the Republican and Democrat candidates are getting free exposure from this video, but their man is nowhere to be found. "I don't know if it's illegal to make a video like this, leaving out a major presidential contender," says Melanie, one Nader supporter, "but it should be."

When asked if the Libertarian candidate should appear in the video as well, Melanie replied that Libertarians are stupid and should go jump off a bridge.

Choosy viruses choose Google, survey shows

More than three-quarters of Internet worms and viruses use Google as their default search engine to retrieve email addresses, according to a study by eWeek, a computer technology trade journal.Google suffered an onslaught of automated searches Monday as unwitting computer users infected their computers with the latest MyDoom computer virus. This variant of the virus expands on previous versions by searching the Internet for additional email addresses to infect. According to technology experts, the sub-variants of this virus that are spreading the fastest are those which make use of the Google search engine. The virus has also affected several other search engines, including Yahoo, Lycos and AltaVista, but to a far lesser extent.

"Google is proud to host the world's largest and freshest index of the World Wide Web," says Google co-founder Larry Page. "We're also quite popular, it seems, among those who surf the darker side of the 'Net."

According to eWeek, a vast majority, 78%, of the brunt of the MyDoom virus wrath was born by Google. Yahoo came in second with 15%, with Lycos and AltaVista soaking up most of the rest of the hits.

For several hours on Monday, people around the globe found Google and the other search engines to be slow or completely unresponsive. Google has responded with additional server capacity and countermeasures to reduce the flow of data from the computer viruses.

Governor Schwarzeneggar: ''I will call you Girlie Men until you pass my budget

Taking an aggressive, vocal stance not seen among Republicans for some years, Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar has stuck by his guns, not only refusing to apologize for calling the Democratic players involved in the budget process "Girlie Men" but also promising to continue calling them "Girlie Men" until they pass his budget.
"For far too long, Republicans in this state and nationwide have capitulated to the rants and complaints of Democratic Girlie Men in our state halls of democracy and our national Congress," Schwarzeneggar spoke Tuesday morning to a group of reporters. "We Republicans must put our feet down, and hold to our ideals of a limited government that leaves money and freedom and responsibility in the hands of our citizen, not in the pockets of our Girlie Men politicians."

Schwarzeneggar's comments have enraged California's homosexuals, who feel the term "Girlie Men" is derisive and insulting to gay people. By most polls, though, Californians think that those upset by the comments should "get a life" and stop being such "wussies".

Women in California's legislature have also complained. Schwarzeneggar's spokesperson has told reporters that "the Governor is still working on a good insult for them, since they're just as bad as the Girlie Men in the budget process."

Travelocity Sues Expedia over ''Traveling Troll'' Mascot

"Expedia's media blitz of 'Travelling Troll' ads infringes on Travelocity's trademark 'Roaming Gnome' promotion," say lawyers representing Travelocity. Salt Lake City, UT -- Laywers representing online firm Travelocity have filed a suit in the federal court system today, alleging that competitor Expedia is unfairly copying Travelocity's 'Roaming Gnome' with a copycat set of ads featuring a 'Traveling Troll'.

Travelocity has valid US and European Union trademarks for their 'Roaming Gnome' mascot. The gnome, featured in Travelocity radio and television ads, has been abducted by vacationing hostage-takers and is subjected to incredible airline ticket costs and unbeatable hotel deals.

A spokesperson for Expedia denied allegations of producing copycat advertisements. The spokesperson told reporters that Expedia has been advertising for more a year now with the 'Traveling Troll' ads in Australia and the South Pacific, and just recently expanded the ad campaign to the United States.

"If anything, it is Travelocity who has copied us, not vice versa," said the spokesperson. "Travelocity unveiled their gnome ad campaign only a few months ago, while we have been running our troll campaign for more than a year." According to the spokesperson, Expedia will request that the judge drop the case, and has threatened to countersue Travelocity.

Wisconsin town raises taxes to print up ''obvious'' signs

South Milwaukee, WI - Funded by a city ordinance that has raised sales taxes by a quarter of a percent, city departments have started posting signs around the city that residents have dubbed "signs of the obvious."Surprisingly, few city residents oppose the obvious signage that has been springing up throughout the city. "These signs can only make our city safer," says one resident.

The new signs include those listed below, some of which are out on the streets and others which are in the final stages of manufacture:

• MONDAY GARBAGE WILL BE PICKED UP ON MONDAY
• AVOID ONCOMING TRAFFIC: KEEP RIGHT
• SIDEWALKS ARE FOR WALKING
• 24 HOUR POLICE HOTLINE OPEN 24 HOURS

City officials were hard-pressed to provide details on what the intended effect of the new sign initiative is. "We just want people to know stuff," city councilpersons all agreed.

Howard Dean sends belated ''Happy Birthday'' e-card to United States of America

Card features multi-colored birds carrying cakes with the text: "Guess the time flew by... Happy Late Birdie"."I wanted to let America know that I'm still thinking about it, even if the thought has arrived a little late. But it's the thought that counts, right?" Dean posited to reporters.

America celebrated its two hundred twenty-eighth birthday this past July 4th. On that date, the thirteen colonies put forth their declaration of independence from England.

President Bush thanked Howard Dean for his patriotism and birthday spirit, and felt sure that "Howard must have had a very good reason not to send America his birthday wishes on time."

Handicapped demand equal access in several new lawsuits

Several class-action lawsuits have currently begun in California, following the landmark decision in neighboring Oregon that movie theaters have to better accomodate wheelchair-bound people in stadium seating theaters.The class action lawsuits include:

• 24 Hour Fitness is being sued on the grounds that their treadmills do not meet the Americans with Disabilities Act guidelines. The plaintiffs are demanding that wider treadmills be installed, so that those in wheelchairs can ride their wheelchairs on the treadmills. Also, ramps up to the treadmill surface need to be installed.
• Several gyms with artificial rock-climbing walls are being sued on the grounds that the rock walls lack elevators for the disabled to be able to reach the top of the walls.
• Adult night clubs are being sued on the grounds that their stages are not wide enough to accomodate wheelchair-bound strippers. Also, ramps to the tops of the patrons' tables need to be provided to allow the crippled strippers to table-dance.

Trial laywers have been boosted by the Supreme Court's decision not to hear defendants arguments in the movie theater stadium seating case, and have hastily assembled these class action suits in order to "cash in" on the judicial precedent.

A Los Angeles strip club patron, who refused to be named, had this to say: "I'm all in favor of treating people right. But there's nothing sexy, to me at least, about a girl in a wheelchair. What's next? Are they going to demand ramps so they can drive their wheelchairs up on my lap to give me a lap dance?"

John Edward's Third, Fourth Nipples Face Intense Media Scrutiny

John Kerry defends his choice in Vice Presidential candidates: "Neither a man's nipples nor the number of them should have any bearing on a presidential election."Washinton, DC -- FOX News and MSNBC have obtained exclusive photographs that each show a different superfluous nipple on John Edwards. The photo on FOX shows Edwards at a beach, with an extra nipple showing on the lower left side of his chest, while the photo running on MSNBC was obtained from an unnamed doctor who once treated Edwards; this photo clearly shows another nipple just below his right nipple.

Dermatological experts have appeared on both networks, as well as on CNN, to discuss the issue. All of the doctors interviewed agree that these photos do in fact show the presense of two extra nipples.

The Democratic National Committee, due to meet this week to formally nominate Kerry/Edwards, insists that Edward's extra nipples does not diminish his ability to lead the country in the event that Kerry should be elected and die while in office. "In fact," said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe, "many great leaders throughout history have been known to have extra nipples. John Kerry is actually a little jealous of Edwards because of this." McAuliffe did not mention any names of the supposedly extra-nippled statesmen.

Edwards is reported to have lashed out at a reporter who questioned whether his superfluous nipples were pierced. Edwards denies telling the reporter "Up yours, bitch!" in response to her questioning, saying that it's completely untrue and his words may have been taken out of context.

New children's bedtime lullabyes borrow from urban rap

A popular trend is emerging amongst writers of children's bedtime lullabyes: the use of hardcore rap music and lyrics as the basis for the songs. The League of Christian Voters has denounced the trend as sinful, while the NAACP applauds the trend for "the unique ability to expose our children in a soothing way to the struggles of the African Americans in our inner cities."
"Waldo" McCarthy can be found at this cutting edge of children's bedtime lullabye
s; in fact, many experts credit him as one of the first musicians to create this new style (several other artists simultaneously, independently began experimenting with this new style in late 1998). Waldo's seminal "Gin & Juice" lullabye, adapted from Snoop Dogg's "Gin & Juice", can be found on the Charles Balter solo album here.

Childhood development psychologists are split over whether these new lullabyes are safe or harmful for children. Some experts point out that the melodies are soothing, and that children don't even know what the cuss words in the songs mean, and can't see that the songs frequently endorse or support drug and alcohol abuse, treatment of women as sexual objects, and the glorification of criminal activities. Other experts contend that these lullabyes will only serve to indoctrinate children into this debased culture, and that the songs should only be listened to by adults, if at all.

Musicians like Waldo frequently don't get involved in the fray. "I never use the words 'children' or 'lullabye' anywhere on my album cover art or in any advertisements I produce or endorse. This is simply my art; I let people take it as they may. I certainly don't intend for people to allow my albums, or television or video games for that matter, to raise their children, but the choice is theirs."

Scientists discover flower that cures Alzheimer's disease

Brown University scientists have discovered that the common "forget-me-not" flowers can actually help people not to forget. The ravages of Alzheimer's disease may be coming to an end, say scientists at prestigious Brown University. Biochemists there have discovered a compound in the forget-me-not flowers that they say can actually cease memory loss associated with the degernative brain disease.

"Over ninety percent of people with strong likelihood of developing Alzheimer's disease were able to maintain their same memory abilities over the length of the ten year study," said Joshua Robertson, PhD. "We found this particular set of results quite encouraging."

The group of scientists became interested in the abilities of common herbs and flowers to cure diseases. Robertson, the lead researcher, had lost his mother to Alzheimers, so it became the first disease to be investigated.

The actual choice of flowers was a no-brainer, say researchers. "Common sense tells you to keep it simple," said one associate researcher. "Why would people name a flower 'forget-me-not' unless it actually did aid in memory retention?"

An extract from the flower, which is common in floral arrangements, proved to be a powerful agent in preventing the development of Alzheimer's, but results were inconclusive regarding its ability to reverse the effects of the disease.

Scientists at competing universities caution that elderly people should not start eating flowers, and that investment advice to put your retirement fund money into greenhouses may be premature.

(Photo courtesy of Web of Species at Wellesley College)

Dick Cheney forwards chain email to Congress

"With the special Internet Explorer tracking code, Bill Gates will send
me $245 for every congressperson I send this email to!" Cheney
exclaims.Washington, DC - In addition to emails from her constituents, Dianne
Feinstein found a message from Vice President Dick Cheney titled "Fw:
PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap." After scanning it for any
Republican viruses (or 'cooties' as she likes to call them), she read Cheney's
comments:

Hi Folks,

Don't know if this will work but if it does we can all retire early.

Dick

"Immediately I was skeptical," Feinstein told reporters. "I'm not apt to
trust strange emails from Republican leaders, especially those in the
executive branch. But I must say I was intrigued, so I read on."

Feinstein could immediately tell that this message had passed through many
systems, judging by all the forwarded subject headers in the message body.
Finally, she got to the meat of the message (see entire message at end of
the story).

"Well it says her for everyone I send this to, I'll get $245 from Bill
Gates," Feinstein remarked, "and $243 for everyone they send it to, and $241
for each person who gets one from those people...wow! I could be rich! Is
it really true?"

Feinstein checked with Microsoft, and found that Bill Gates has repeatedly
made public statements that there is no such email tracking program in
place, and that he will not send anyone a check. Learning this, she got
Cheney on the phone right away.

"That just doesn't make one bit of sense, though," Cheney told Feinstein
over the phone. "Read the message -- Charles S Bailey thought it was a scam
himself, but gave it a try, and two weeks later he was twenty four
thousand dollars richer! Plus Kathy Alcoa is an attorney, and knows the law, and
she says we've got nothing to lose!"

Hi Folks,

Don't know if this will work but if it does we can all retire early.

Dick
---------- Original Message ----------------------------------

From: Diane Bellwood

Date:  Wed, 5 May 2004 11:25:30 -0700
what the heck...

----- Forwarded by Diane Bellwood on 05/05/2004 11:22 AM -----

FROM:  "Billie Bobbie Berrie"

To: 

Subject:FW: FW: Fw: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap               
-----Original Message-----

From: Jane Poster

Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2004 10:28 AM

To: ace; alexis; Pinsbyi; beccap; cdiamon; edgewaybev@pacific.com;

Subject: Fwd: FW: Fw: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap
-----Original Message-----

From: Dana Rbackher Walczuk

Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2004 11:51 PM

To: pattI Spence; Toni Russel; Nelson Mandela

Cc: PATTI; ryan Rodin walczuk; SONNY Boy

Subject: FW: Fw: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap
-----Original Message-----

From: Earl Schlobohm

Sent: Monday, May 03, 2004 10:43 AM

To: Ron Ireland; Roger Smilestine

Cc: Bob Boxer; G whittier

Subject: FW: Fw: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap
-----Original Message-----

From: Matt Randalpf

Sent: Friday, April 30, 2004 12:36 PM

To: al; Alansky; andy; bedwards malib; charlie  Rohloff; dan von Briesen;

derek M; Donald PB; glen beaton; HAZEN jamie; Jennifer mywife; Joanna

Rapf; Karen A.; RAY roy schlobohm; sean McIntee; terry TJ; Vivid Wayne; z.

Rose

Subject: Fw: Fw: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap
----- Original Message -----

From: Kathleen Jacobs

To: Yvon Monetti ; Pattie Pence ; tami La Frenz ; Christina Herbage ;

Sharon  Jacobs ; michael altus ; Patricia A.  Banyanz ; Darci Beckel ; Rose

Braverman ; Naomi Brown ; Gina Cruz ; deedee Delgado ; Deneen  Elkins ; Elly

Sent: Wednesday, April 28, 2004 8:38 PM

Subject: Fwd: Fw: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap
 ----- Original Message -----

From: Heather French

To: carla fishe ; donna pounds ; me french ; orangish cheetah ; lye again

; kobe bryant;  steve mcmann ; perla sholland

Sent: Saturday, April 24, 2004 3:55 PM

Subject: Fw: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap
 >From: 

>To: Tiffany Lunsford, Couch burk,  Shanon EPMAC, Flores I French, D

Fonseca, Cruz Blaine"

>Subject: Fw: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap

>Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 20:35:56 -0500

>

>Message

>----- Original Message -----

>From: janice

>To: Vancuren, Scott & Susie ; Sisson, Mike ; Singer, Charlie ; Ross,

Mary

(Work) ; McCoy, Cheryl ; Hill, Carrie (Home) ; Earsing, Dave ; Bullard,

Don & Pat ; Brady, Tom & Vicki ; Best, Shanon & Norma ; Beck, Kim & Ken

>Sent: Friday, April 23, 2004 4:52 PM

>Subject: Fw: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! asap  >

>  >  >  >Had to forward this on........who doesn't want to get

rich  quick!!!!!?????

>

>

>THIS TOOK TWO PAGES OF THE TUESDAY USATODAY - IT IS FOR REAL  >

>

>Subject: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>!!!! It was on the news! Kathy Alcoa - EHS Maintenance Coordinator

Phone: 767/771 - 3547 Pager : 767/420 - 6575  >  >To all of my

friends, I do not usually forward messages, But this is from  my good friend

Penny Sandborn and she really is an attorney.

>

>If she says that this will work - It will work. After all, What have

you  got to lose? SORRY EVERYBODY.. JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! I'm an

attorney, And I know the law. This thing is for real. Rest assured AOL and

Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of facing a

multimillion-dollar class action suit similar to the one fi led by PepsiCo

against General Electric not too long ago.

>

>Dear Friends; Please do not take this for a junk letter. Bill Gates

is  sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent later.

Microsoft  and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to

make  sure that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program,

Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

>

>When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track

it  ( If you are a Microsoft Windows user)  For a two weeks time period.

>

>For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay

you  $245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on,

Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that receives  it,

You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you

for your address and then send you a check.

>

>Regards. Charles S Bailey General Manager Field Operations

>1-800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX

>292-1085 Charles_Bailey@csx.com Charles_bailey@csx.com  >  >

>I thought this was a scam myself, But two weeks after receiving this

e-mail and forwarding it on. Microsoft contacted me for my address and

within days, I receive a check for $24,800.00. You need to respond before

the beta testing is over. If anyone can affoard this, Bill Gates is the

man.

>

>It's all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many

people  as possible. You are bound to get at least $10,000.00. We're not

going to  help them out with their e-mail beta test without getting a little

something for our time. My brother's girlfriend got in on this a few

months ago. When i went to visit him for the Baylor/UT game. She showed me

her check. It was for the sum of $4,324.44 and was stamped "Paid in full"

>

>Like i said before, I know the law, and this is for real.

>

>Intel and AOL are now discussing a merger which would make them the

largest Internet company and in an effort make sure that AOL remains the

most widely used program, Intel and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

>

>When you forward this e-mail to friends, Intel can and will track it(

if  you are a Microsoft Windows user) for a two week time period.

>

>TRy it; What have you got to lose

>

>

>Confidentiality Notice: This e-mail message, from Children's

Hospital, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the  intended

recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged  information. The

recipient is responsible to maintain the confidentiality  of this information and

to use the information only for authorized  purposes pursuant to

Children's Hospital's confidentiality policies. If  you are not the intended

recipient (or authorized to receive information  for the intended recipient),

you are hereby notified that any review, use,  disclosure, distribution,

copying, printing, or action taken in reliance  on the contents of this

e-mail is strictly prohibited. If you have  received this communication in

error, please notify us immediately by  reply e-mail and destroy all copies of

the original message. Thank you.

Bush plan to ''Mass Hypnotize'' Iraq bound to fail, say experts

Democracy-by-hypnosis is no basis for a system of government, claim group of political scientists.

Dayton, Ohio - While George W Bush has told Americans that "Iraqis will learn to love democracy while they sleep," a group of concerned poli sci professors at the University of Dayton are warning the country that Bush's plan is fraught with inconsistencies and just plain won't work."Democracy 'While You Sleep' will not work any better than 'Lose Weight While You Sleep' or 'Learn to Program in COBOL While You Sleep'," says Herbert Van Rooften, a tenured political scientist professor at the University of Dayton. "There is little empirical evidence that any 'While You Sleep' hypnosis audio tapes actually work, much less hypnosis tapes that purport to share the ideal form of government."

The President insists that Democracy-by-hypnosis is the best bet for Iraqis. "It has become clear that overt military actions alone will not pacify Iraqi insurgents. Indeed, their resolve only seems to strengthen as we approach the June 30th turnover date. We need a breakthrough in Iraq, and mass hypnosis only makes sense."

The logistics of supplying unwilling Iraqi citizens with audio cassette tapes and players to listen to while they sleep are overwhelming. Because of this, democracy-by-hypnosis tapes will only be provided to strategic cities by coalition troops, with remaining Iraqi citizens to be softly lulled to sleep by democracy-by-hypnosis loudspeakers.

Talk radio host Sean Hannity strongly approves of the President's plan. Al Gorezeera host Al Franken has accused Hannity of "drinking the Republican Kool-aid."

Sources within the White House say that the army is brewing up large batches of Republican Kool-aid, "in case the Democracy While You Sleep" hypnosis strategy fails.

Dark Horse candidate will replace Kerry at the Eleventh Hour

Anonymous but reliable sources have indicated that John Kerry will indeed be nominated by the Democratic Convention's nomination process, but that he will "mysteriously disappear" just weeks before the election, at which time the party will put forward a new candidate, with any votes for Kerry on the ballot going to the new candidate. The Bush campaign will be unable to adequately respond to this new candidate, says the source, causing him to lose the election.Though John Kerry's name will appear on the ballot, he will be "completely unable to assume the position of the Presidency of the United States," says the anonymous source, who claims to be a high-ranking Democrat. The source had nothing to say when asked if this meant that Kerry would die, possibly with "mysterious circumstances."

Kerry's replacement will not have to be a write-in candidate, but will instead be able to himself collect all the votes that have been cast for Kerry. The precedent for this was set by the election of the wife of the deceased Missouri governor to the US Senate. Though Mel Carnahan's name was on the ballot, his wife was given the Senate seat to which he was elected.

Democratic leaders refuse to comment on the allegations, calling them ludicrous. Senate Republicans have opened an official inquiry into the matter, looking to ensure there are no loopholes that would allow one presidential candidate to be elected when voters place their votes for a different deceased candidate. Republicans believe such an event would be a "travesty to our great republic" and in fact is not a constitutionally legal event, which they would fight all the way to the highest court in the land.

Kerry Reveals Moon is a Governmental Conspiracy

Kerry expands on his "We need to go to the moon right here on Earth" speech, as a call to Americans to "wake up and realize that NASA never went to the moon; it was all staged at an old U.S. army base. In fact, the moon itself is nothing more than a helium-filled dirigible that circles the globe at an altitude of 3 miles."To support his claims that the moon landings, and indeed the moon itself are merely government hoaxes, Kerry pointed out numerous Internet web sites that go into the evidence and specifics regarding the moon hoax.

NASA scientists and astronauts are up in arms in reaction to Kerry's suggestions that the United States has never placed a man on the moon. Even Russian cosmonauts and Chinese taikonaut Col. Yang Liwei firmly agree that NASA did place men on the moon several times, and that the evidence strongly supports this. "Baseless accusations from an American Democrat cannot overshadow the fact that America was first to place men on the moon," Liwei stated. "Soon China will reach the moon itself, with it's flag planted proudly on the satellite's surface."

Kerry, seemingly unfazed by the mountains of evidence suggesting he's wrong, continued with his accusations on the campaign trail Tuesday. "The moon on Earth must be the goal for this generation," Kerry preached at a stop in northern Georgia. Kerry would not speak with reporters, telling them to review his campaign literature for more details.

Minions of Satan are spreading via the Internet

Rare breed of demon is spreading rapidly through the World Wide Web. Some dismiss it as yet another computer virus, while some spiritual leaders have denounced the Internet as the playground of the Great Evil, and have admonished their followers to unplug from the 'Net.Known as a "text/devil," it is widely regarded as one of the minor demons in Satan's army. One religious expert had this to say:

Text/devils maintain their dominion over pages and documents that have fallen into evil ways. Before the age of the Internet, text/devils were largely restricted to underground newsletters and other printed documents, but were unable to gain a larger domain.


With the advent of the Internet, text/devils are now able to roam freely from website to website, infecting the servers and computers of Web surfers at an astonishing rate. Once a minor demon and a small problem for mankind, the text/devil may yet prove to be a formidable enemy of the powers of goodness on the Internet in our age.

People who browse the Web using Microsoft's Internet Explorer are likely to receive no warnings that their computer is downloading, and subsequently infected by, a text/devil. Users of Mozilla-based web browsers will receive a dialog box (see below) prompting them whether or not to download a text/devil infected file. These users are urged to cancel the download, not only to protect their own computers but to slow the rate of spread of these minor demons.

There is currently no anti-virus program that can clean up a text/devil infection, and neither McAfee nor Symantec could be reached for further comment. Microsoft has not issued any critical updates that could patch the Internet Explorer program to prevent transmission of the text/devils, and has no such patch in the works, according to a Microsoft spokeswoman.

Condoleezza Rice Refutes Clarke Argument that She'd Never Heard of Al Qaeda

Rice: "I knew plenty about Al Qaeda when Richard Clark first brought up the topic with me in 2000. The problem was that he didn't have a clue how to pronounce it, so I didn't understand him right away."Condoleezza Rice has gone on the offensive to clear up some misunderstandings the evening before she is due to testify to the 9/11 Commission. Her claim is that she had known about Al Qaeda even before her 2000 meeting with Richard Clark, while he couldn't even pronounce the name of Osama bin Laden's terrorist organization correctly.

"What Richard Clark failed to remember when he was writing his book, is that after he mentioned Al Qaeda to me, I paused a couple seconds, then asked him 'Do you mean Al Qaeda?' enunciating and pronouncing it correctly. Clarke had pronounced it like 'el kweeday'."

In his book, Richard Clark only said that "As I briefed Rice on Al Qaeda, her facial expression gave me the impression that she had never heard of the term before."

The Bush administration's approval rating has, according to some polls, suffered somewhat because of the controversy stirred up by Clarke's book. Many political scientists feel, however, that the administration is more than capable of handling the issue carefully and will quickly regain any lost percentage points.

Liberal radio network announces naming, scheduling changes

Recently launched nationwide talk radio network will change name from Air America Radio to Al Gorzeera.

"We received generous donations from Al Gore, so we thought we'd give him some credit through a new name," Al Franken told his audience. "Also, we thought we could capitalize on the notoriety of the Middle East news network Al Jazeera, since [the name Air America Radio] didn't really capture what we're all about anyway."The following is the new weekday lineup for the fledgling radio network:

• 6-9am - How We can win with the Politics of Hate
• 9am-12pm - We Hate George W Bush
• 12-1pm - We Hate all the other Republicans
• 1-3pm - We're better than Rush and Hannity -- Neener Neener Neener!
• 3-6pm - Al Franken Trashes Republicans
• 6-9pm - We Tell You What to Think so You Don't Have To^®

The name change comes much to the chagrin of the Arabic-language Al Jazeera news network. "While it's certainly flattering that the Al Gore sponsored talk radio group has chosen to copy our name, we will sue them in a US Federal court for trademark infringement."

Kerry Campaign in Bed with Liberal Media

...Literally. Exclusive photograph of John Kerry engaged in bedroom shenanigans with several well known news anchors. (back row: John Kerry, Dan Rather. front row: Ted Koppel, Barbara Walters).Curiously, neither ABC News (employer of Walters, Koppel) or CBS News (employer of Dan Rather) ran stories on the evening news about the incident. NBC and Fox headlined their evening newscasts with the story.

John Kerry was adamant in his response. "I did not have sex with that woman," Kerry said, and refused to answer further questions, leaving reporters wondering just what happened with the two male news anchors and the aging Walters.

Democrats insist that anything that happened in that bedroom should have no currency in voter's determination of whether or not to vote for Kerry. "If anything at all happened in that bedroom," one prominent Democratic leader announced, "it was a consensual act between the four people in that room, and in no way represents any illegal activities in most jurisdictions."

Republicans were surprised -- surprised such a photo hadn't surfaced far earlier than now. Polls show that most Americans already feel that the media has a liberal bias, and has been sleeping with the Democrats, at least figuratively. Now we know it's a much more intimate relationship than that.

Bush, Kerry agree to Celebrity Boxing match

Vegas odds favor Bush over Kerry 10 to 1 due to his "Shock and Awe" fight strategy; Nader upset that FOX didn't invite him to duke it out with Libertarian party candidate Gary Nolan.Fox Broadcasting company has obtained exclusive television rights to the first head-to-head fight between President George W Bush and Democratic candidate John Kerry. Oscar de la Hoya will officiate the match.

Vegas betting experts favor Bush over Kerry by a wide margin, largely due to Kerry's apparent inability to decide on a strategy for the fight. Bush, on the other hand, has laid out a solid plan. "President Bush has put forward a very proactive game plan whereby he will strike early and hard, overwhelming Kerry and reducing Kerry's ability to strike back," said one Vegas bookie.

"John Kerry, on the other hand, is widely perceived as slow and reactive, and hasn't put forward any clear and consise strategies for overcoming Bush."

FOX officials have told the press that Bush and Kerry fight will be the main event of a two hour special political edition of its wildly popular Celebrity Boxing series. FOX claims that all three branches of our representative democracy will be fighting it out when the show airs live on Tuesday, June 21. Rampant speculation as to the other fighters has filled the message boards at some of the Internet's most popular gambling sites.

NASA finds no life on Mars; Democrats claims 'NASA misled us'

Although the Spirit and Opportunity rovers on Mars have found evidence for a wet history for the planet, NASA scientists were forced to admit that thus far, they have uncovered no evidence of life on the red planet. Democrats have criticized the space agency for leading America to the warrior planet based on lies."Before the rovers landed, week after week after week, we were told lie after lie after lie," said Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass.

Howard Dean on life on Mars: "There are many theories about it. The most interesting theory that I've heard so far -- which is nothing more than a theory, it can't be proved -- is that NASA was warned ahead of time by the Saudis that there was no life on Mars."

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry: "I actually did vote for the Mars rover missions before I voted against it."

"I was the first candidate in this race to come out against the rover missions," Al Sharpton told an audience of about 300 at Harvard University's Kennedy School of Government. "I didn't believe there were Martians with weapons of mass destruction."

Richard Clarke, the chief counterterrorism advisor to the president accused Bush of pressuring him to find a link between water and life on the red planet: "The president dragged me into a room with a couple of other people, shut the door and said, 'I want you to find whether there is life on Mars,' " Clarke told the CBS program 60 Minutes. "He never said, 'Make it up.' But the entire conversation left me in absolutely no doubt that George Bush wanted me to come back with a report that said the rovers would find life on Mars."

NASA points out that while no evidence of life on Mars has surfaced yet, the mission is still ongoing, and they have found evidence of a watery past, which is a condition suitable for such life.

David Kay, in a statement on the interim progress report of the activities of the Mars survey group offered up this testimony: "We have not yet found life on Mars, but we are not yet at the point where we can say definitively either that such life do not exist or that they existed before the mission and our only task is to find where they have gone. We are actively engaged in searching for such life based on information being supplied to us by rovers."

Coming Soon: Marry your Horse, or both Twin Sisters?

Opponents of gay marriage often argue that if we allow two men to marry each other, or two women to marry each other, where can we draw the line? Can three consenting adults join in an unholy matrimony? Can a woman marry her turtle, or a bowl full of fish?

The answer may surprise you.The answer is, for now, no, in the United States, at any rate. India, however, has already seen it's first recorded girl-dog marriage, as well as a man marrying his own grandmother. Word on the street is that a family has arranged a marriage between their daughter, and a 400 year old eucalyptus tree of a neighboring clan.

Many opponents of "exclusive" (man-woman only) marriage believe that India is pioneering new forms of marriage that are bound to make their way to America.

Many experts in the field of odd marriages believe America will see its first inter-species marriage within the next twelve months, and legalized polygamy in Canada, Mexico, and Alaska even sooner. If you really love someone or something, who is the government to tell you whether you can or can't marry it?

Poor will hire in record numbers, UCLA study reports

Research study indicates that poor people will dramatically increase hiring of new employees if Bush tax cut is repealed. John Kerry is delighted with study results, saying it dispels a Republican "myth" that rich business owners will hire more people if they have more money.
"This only goes to show that tax increases, not tax cuts, are what we should be giving to the rich," Kerry told a group of UCLA researchers. "It doesn't matter if the rich pay more taxes, because this study shows that it's the poor people who are offering jobs to people."

Kerry refused to give an answer to a heckler in the audience who asked Kerry whether he personally "had ever been hired by a poor person."

"That's none of your business," was Kerry's terse response. "What are you, a Republican?" Kerry is well known for marrying into wealthy families.

The study suggests that poor employers will seek to hire new employees if Democrats manage to undo the tax cuts that Bush enacted. However, the study doesn't indicate what kind of wages poor employers could pay, or what if any kind of benefits a poor employer would pay.

Conservatives point out that there has been no peer review of the UCLA research group's results, and that the lead researcher had only two months ago been removed for smoking too much crack. Talk radio dismisses the result as typical "liberal propaganda" and challenged liberals to "put up [confirming evidence] or shut up."

Kerry Receives Endorsements from Al Qaeda, other Terrorists

"We the members of Al Qaeda wholeheartedly endorse John Kerry for President of the soulless satans of America," a senior leader in Al Qaeda spoke on a tape sent to Al Jazeera. "If he's good enough for us, why would America vote for anyone else?"Washington, DC - John Kerry is reportedly unsure of how to react to the endorsements by terrorists of his campaign for the presidency. "On the one hand," a Kerry staffer told reporters, "it's great to have people believing we're right for the job. On the other hand, Bush's camp is probably going to have a field day with 'Kerry Endorsed by Evildoers' attack ads."

While Bush is comfortable calling the terrorists an evil group, Kerry is not. The staffer continued: "John Kerry doesn't believe that these terrorists are evil, necessarily. They may just be misguided. Sure, they did kill thousands of innocent people, but maybe no one ever told them that that's wrong? You can't blame them for turning out the way they are, if that's the way they were raised as children."

The Bush campaign is indeed delighted with the news of the terrorists endorsing their competition. Bush himself talked to reporters, "John Kerry is not an evil man, please, let me stress this. But evildoers would rather have someone in power who will appease them, someone who will let them continue plotting and planning our destruction. That's all those terrorists want. And they feel that with Kerry in power, they will have a better chance for acheiving that evil goal."

This latest endorsement comes after Kerry has already been praised by Arab news source Al Jazeera and is well liked by North Korea's communist leader Kim Jong Il

2008 Elections to be decided by American Idol-style reality show

"The American public will in 2008 elect their President on TV!" Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle announced Tuesday morning in Washington DC. Daschle spoke of a Democrat bill, the LATE (Live Audience Television Election) Act, which will dramatically change American presidential elections, "pulling them into the 21st Century" by eliminating the electoral college and instead putting votes directly to the public, who can phone in to narrow the presidential race down from twelve candidates to just one.The new election process has been drafted entirely by the producers of the hit Fox television series American Idol, under the supervision of a bipartisan panel of Senators. Presidential candidates will compete for votes by displaying their talent before a panel of three judges, who give their opinions, and then leave it up to the voting public to choose.

No details are currently available regarding whether Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell or Paula Abdul will form the three person election panel.

Many Senate Republicans dismissed the idea as ludicrous. "America does not need a new electoral system," Senator Bill Frist told reporters. "Our system of elections has worked well for years, and will continue to do so well into the future."

Democrats counter that the current system is flawed, and believe that their proposal will prevent "a disaster like Florida from ever happening again."

The League of Women Voters is cautiously considering the proposed system. "We feel that this new system will help to enfranchise a whole new generation of Americans," league spokesperson Jillian Wills said. "We would like to see the issue of multiple votes fixed, but otherwise we think it can work." Wills was referring to the fact that viewers can call from multiple phones, thus voting mulltiple times, and rumors that you can even call multiple times from the same phone.

NEA Ties to Al Qaeda Unearthed

U.S. Education Secretary Rod Paige thought he was joking when he called the National Education Association a "terrorist organization" two weeks ago. Today, the FBI announced that they have been investigating ties between the NEA and terrorist organization Al Qaeda for nearly three years.

"I was floored when the FBI contacted me two days after I made that comment," Paige told reporters. "They accused me of blowing their cover, and threatened to send me to jail. I explained to them that it was just an expression of my frustration with the NEA, but it took five hours to convince the FBI."

FBI Director Robert Mueller has refused to comment further on the terrorist ties of NEA, saying only that the investigation is "ongoing" and that arrests are "imminent". NEA officials vehemently denied any terrorist activities or connections, insisting that their organization is "clean" and that the investigation will find nothing.

Bush Administration Dispels ''Black Helicopter'' Conspiracy Theories

"Most of our helicopters are actually painted with a very dark chocolate or olive matte finish," Bush contends.Seeking to calm the anxiety of thousands of nervous conspiracy-theorist potential voters across the country, President Bush reached out to them, eager to dispel the common black helicopter conspiracy theory.

"You need not fear your government," Bush spoke in a calming voice at a press conference at the White House. "There are no black, silent helicopters circling overhead your neighborhood. In fact, very few of our military's helicopters are black in color."

Bush answered press questions afterwards, explaining such things as the colors that are used to paint military helicopters.

"He seemed very candid and forthcoming," Ralph Johnston, publisher of The Conspirer quarterly journal. "But if there are no black helicopters in my neighborhood, then who marked off all the streets with ultraviolet paint in helipad landing patterns? I mean, do I trust the President, or my own inner fear? Or neither?"

Johnston's feelings were mirrored by many other members of the conspiracy theory press. While they would like to believe the President, they just can't advocate to their distrusting readers that they should vote for him in the upcoming election.

McDonald's Hiring Practices Revealed!

'No wonder all those burger flippers are losers,' comments expert.

Milwaukee, WI - McDonalds is well known for hiring low/unskilled workers for it's "McJobs" -- the low-paying burger flippers who fry and server millions of french fries and burgers. Today, in a direct attack on political correctness, McDonalds has come right out and named the people it wants to hire for these jobs: LOSERS (see enlarged photo).

"Well this explains everything," one onlooker commented. "I always thought it was a job that attracts people with low self esteem; now we see those people are actively sought out."

City officials are investigating the matter, in order to determine whether the hiring practices can be considered discriminatory, and whether or not that violates any local, state, or federal laws.

New Zealand Declares February 29 ''Lord of the Rings'' Day

Leap Day set aside for Kiwis to celebrate their leap into the world's eye with the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King's sweep of all eleven categories in which it was nominated in the Oscars.
Governor-General Silvia Cartwright, with the support of the majority of the New Zealand Parliament, has declared February 29 to be "Lord of the Rings" Day, a national holiday for New Zealand. "On this day, we will celebrate the remarkable acheivement of our fellow New Zealanders, who together produced that epic trilogy that garnered so many awards, and that was filmed right here in our own country," Cartwright said, speaking to the Parliament. "This should be a source of national pride, and with this measure, we will ensure that all citizens of our country will have a day to express that pride."

Several parliament members expressed their disagreement with Cartwright's decision to choose February 29, the date the Oscars aired in Los Angeles, because in New Zealand, across the International Date Line, it was already well into March 1. Cartwright defended her decision, citing numerous administrative and logistical reasons why a leap-day holiday is a better choice.

US Military Bolsters Forces with Undead, Fearing Space Alien/Terrorist Invasion

President Bush has issued an executive order appropriating more resources towards the recruiting of zombie soldiers. Meanwhile, the US has raised the terror alert level from Elevated (Yellow) to High (Orange) in response to new intelligence that extraterrestrials have joined forces with Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda. White House staff confirmed rumors Sunday that the U.S. was indeed building up its zombie forces, based on the same intelligence reports that prompted the change in the terror alert level.

Should extraterrestrials, supplemented with terrorist intelligence from Al Qaeda, attack the United States, many within the administration felt that our weapons technology is inadequate to defeat an alien invasion. A senior staffer, speaking on anonymnity, told Byzantine Communications reporters that Bush himself suggested bolstering our zombie military brigades.

Experts report that the looming alien vs. zombie warfare will be the first such occurrence in recorded history. Phil Laumbert, professor of undead studies at Princeton, had this to say:

Never before have aliens battled with the undead humans on our planet. This is something that has only been contemplated in '50s horror films. What happens when extraterrestrials, with their highly advanced technology, are faced with unrelenting, unstoppable zombie warriors? As a professor of zombie research, I'm inclined to support the theory that the zombies will prevail, solely on the fact that no conventional military techniques or weapons have been able to significantly impact an undead onslaught.

Other experts contend that the buildup of undead will lead to a new "Cold War". The Aliens, they say, would likely stage most of their attacks from space, only coming down to earth to clean up and claim Earth, turning humans into slaves. But with the zombie card in our pocket, we may be spared the attacks -- these experts believe that the aliens would be unable to immobilize the zombies, and thereby making any attack on our planet a waste.

Whatever happens, Byzantine Communications' It's News, Dammit will bring you the latest news as it happens.

Leslie Nielsen Takes Home Best Actor Oscar for Scary Movie 3

Surprising film critics, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and the worldwide viewership of the 76th Oscar Awards ceremony, Leslie Nielsen, best known for the Naked Gun series, received the Academy Award for Best Actor for his performance as the President of the United States in Scary Movie 3.A hush came over the crowd at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood when the announcement was made for Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role. Some hesistant clapping was heard few seconds, but seemingly forever later, as actor Leslie Nielsen made his way to the stage to accept the award.

"I don't know what to say," Nielsen spoke into the microphone. "I don't even remember being nominated for Best Actor this year. Not since my performance in Surf Ninjas have I ever been so honored.

"I'd like to thank Jerry Zucker, for casting me in the Naked Gun movies, helping to solidify my big screen comedy career, my family, my friends, and my Scary Movie 3 fellow actors Method Man and Master P. Right on, dawgs. Yeah."

The other nominees for Best Actor expressed confusion; Nielsen's name was not among the list of nominees circulated to Academy members. Academy officials have announced that Nielsen won the honor by receiving an overwhelming number of write-in votes.

Microsoft offers Public Beta Test of Next Windows

New version of Windows, dubbed Windows RG, available now via remote Internet demo. Help support Microsoft in developing the best Windows yet.Redmond, WA - Microsoft has initiated a public beta test of their next version of Windows, called Windows RG. This latest version of the operating system promises new features that will bring enhanced levels of utilty and enjoyment as compared to previous versions. Also, due to bugs and security flaws in older versions of their operating system, Microsoft recommends upgrading as soon as possible.

Windows RG now includes Microsoft Word, bringing the word processor to everyone's desktop. Previously, Word was only available as a separate purchase, or as part of the Microsoft Office suite of applications.

RG also allows you to order food over the Internet, which will be delivered to your doorstep in 30 minutes. A few vendors have already signed on, giving you choices in what you can order. The order form takes all the confusion out of online ordering, which until now has varied from one restaurant's website to the next -- all food can now be ordered from a familiar, common interface.

You can try Windows RG now. A full-screen remote Internet demo is available for a time-limited beta. After the beta test period has expired, Windows RG will be available for purchase at computer stores and malls everywhere, with Windows RG Home available for $299 MSRP. Coder James Cliffe is responsible for the remote demo interface available in Windows RG.

Demo Windows RG now! Windows RG Demo - http://www.deanliou.com/WinRG/

(Remote Windows RG Beta Test Demo requires Macromedia Flash.)

Saddam Hussein Practiced Atkins Diet for 15 Years

Did state of ketosis drive the former dictator to invade Kuwait?

International Red Cross workers have revealed that Saddam Hussein has adhered strictly to an Atkins-style diet for the last decade and a half. Scientists debate whether the state of ketosis might have influenced Hussein's decision to invade Kuwait in the summer of 1990, and his subsequent inaction on U.N. Security Resolutions aimed at disarming him.The American media has glorified, villified, and debated the Atkins low-carbohydrate diet intensely over the past year. Some scientists have produced evidence that the diet is healthy, while others have shown that the diet will cause a deterioration of mental and physical well-being. Those detractors of the diet have publicly speculated that Saddam's low-carb diet, which he began in 1989, may have set off-balance the dictator's brain chemistry, leading to his decision to invade Iraq in 1990.

The Red Cross medical staff performed a number of tests on a sample of Hussein's blood during their February visit with the dictator. The results indicated that the former dictator's body was in a state of ketosis. Coalition jailors in charge of the detention facility confirmed that Hussein refused to eat foods high in carbohydrates, and heeded his requests for low-carb food.

Hussein admitted to Red Cross staff that he has been a practicing Atkins dieter since he first purchased the book in 1989, but insists that the diet played no part in his invasion and claim of control of Kuwait.

Hussein was captured late in 2003. His regime was deposed by coalition forces, after Iraq's military surrendered or deserted in the face of the United State's Undead forces.

Bush Plot to incorporate ''President for Life'' Amendment to Constitution Foiled

Sharp-eyed Democrats in the U.S. Senate foiled a Bush Administration attempt to make President Bush's position a permanent lifetime position. "President for Life" clause stricken from gay marriage amendment, constitutional process to continue.The exact wording, which was buried in the proposed amendment to prevent same sex unions from being called marriages, is as follows:

The people acknowledge for President and Commander in Chief of the Army, George W Bush, the avenger and deliverer of his fellow citizens. The title of Majesty is conferred upon him, as well as upon his august spouse, the lady Laura Bush. With this title, George W Bush will be the President for life, and shall have the right to name his heir to the Presidency.

Democrats, and many Republicans, expressed outrage that the President would attempt to inject such language into the United States' Constitution.

"This is far, far worse than even the most paranoid of Democrats could have imagined," Senator Ted Kennedy spoke to the press. "We knew Bush was up to no good, but we thought his aims were only to exact revenge upon Iraq and Saddam. We now know his aims were far loftier."

Unfazed, the President's staff has admitted to writing the clause, but claims it was merely an intra-office joke that was mistakenly included in the published constitutional amendment text. The President has ordered an investigation, with the results to be due in December.

Area Coed Transcends into a god

Anonymous Reader writes:

In a stunning feat not seen since Biblical times, area coed Alicia Sorensen has transcended into a goddess at the student union last night after joining a local sorority. Eyewitness accounts of the event itself are diverse. It seems Sorensen grew instantly to about 20 feet tall, shot lightning from her fingertips, and admonished her fellow students for materialism before vanishing in a plume of green smoke.

Teary eyed sorority rush chair, Michelle VanDerveer, described the transformation as "a shock" and continued: "We never meant our pledges would actually become goddesses and shoot lightning, be worshiped, or fly when we begun this season's rush, but apparently it has happened". VanDerveer and her fellow sorority sisters agreed last Spring to entitle this year's pledge drive "Become a Goddess: Go Greek".

Signs of her transformation did not go unnoticed. Last week, numerous witnesses saw Sorensen turn ants into butterflies, library books into white rabbits, and computers into a variety of bushes and shrubs. Physics professor H. G. Hartiwild, after some initial investigation, called these events "parlor tricks". Missing university computers are still unaccounted for. Rabbits still abound in the library (as do their droppings).

When asked if Sorensen behaved unusually, sorority vice chair Veronica Mendoza replied, "Alicia took the whole goddess thing way too seriously from the start. She kept reading these musty old books from the restricted section of the library and began talking about Gaia. Then odd things began to happen. First it was the all the squirrels and wild animals came up to her and ate out of her hand, and then the grass in the quad seemed to grow thicker and greener every time she walked past. Eventually her whole personality changed. She began to talk like Yoda and rambling on and on.

Religious studies professor Herbert Spooner comments, "Usually newly minted gods are very active in micromanaging their followers. They eventually loose interest as their followers become unfaithful to the original message. Just look at the Bible or the Koran." He continues, "Because of the small number of her followers, technically, Alicia is leading only a cult, not yet a religion so we may be looking at a long era of lightning and plagues of frogs before She calms down into brooding disappointment with humankind."

Despite overwhelming evidence of her divine ascension, Police are investigating Sorensen's disappearance. Investigator Harvey Pearl notes, "People don't become goddesses every night. We have to ensure no foul play was involved."

This marks the second sorority pledge radically transformed in two years. Last fall, Sarah Little sprouted wings and shrunk to two inches high after pledging a sorority. The rush theme for that tragic year centered on fantasy. She is now identifies herself as a "Pixie" and, unable to continue her studies here, spends her days in the campus Botanical garden chasing hummingbirds and playing practical jokes on the staff. Asked to comment on Sorensen, Little replied by laughing and began juggling dewdrops in her tiny hands. No word on whether Sorensen's relatives plan to file suit against the University for negligence, as Little's relatives did a mere ten months ago.

VanDerveer has a message for Sorensen, "Please Alicia, if you are listening, give up the whole goddess thing and come back to us. We miss your energy and spirit at all our sorority functions."

No word yet on what next year's sorority rush campaign slogan will be, but the early indication is that the theme will involve supermodels having elaborate weddings.