Bush: ''Undead soldiers make a draft irrelevant for today's military''

Seeking to stamp out Internet rumors of a draft should he be reelected, President Bush announced today that we will never need to have a draft again, and he's introduced a Constitutional amendment bill to ensure it."The United States of America will not draft the living into its military under my watch, and if I have my way, never again," Bush announced in Iowa on the campaign trail. Bush unveiled a constitutional amendment proposal to forbid the federal government from being able to draft people unwillingly into the military. The catch -- the U.S. Constitution would grant the President unlimited access to vast reserves of zombie soldiers for use in times of war.

Vice President Cheney echoed Bush's rhetoric. "We pride our nation on having the best, the brightest army on Earth, composed entirely of volunteers willing to serve their country. We don't want to force people to serve their country: America is based on freedom, not force. But we will acknowledge that there may be times when our military needs require more than our volunteer army is able to provide. That's where this constitutional amendment will come into play."

The amendment will make it illegal for the U.S. government to draft any living person into the military. Zombies are specifically excluded from the draft prohibitions.

Analysts on Fox News applauded the President's proposal. "This will give America overwhelming military strength in times of need," Shawn Hannity told viewers of Hannity and Colmes. "We can hope that we will never again need to use undead zombie soldiers to defend our country, but the President of the United States must have the ability to call them into service as a last resort."

Democrats dismiss the constitutional amendment as a diversion from the real issues. John Edwards, vice presidential candidate in the Kerry campaign, told ralliers, "The Constitution has only been amended a handful of times over the years. The chances of this controversial amendment being accepted are slim at best. The President is very likely to call for a draft if he doesn't get this amendment, and you can bet that if he does get it, he will use his vast zombie army to enforce the Patriot Act and terrorize our nation's own citizens. So vote for me and John Kerry!"

Instant surveys indicate that 60% of Americans would be comfortable with the new amendment, because zombie soldiers cannot be killed, which has the potential to allow the US to engage in a casualty-free war on terrorism.

DECLASSIFIED: JFK could have ended Vietnam War with Undead Soldiers

Documents recently declassified through the Freedom of Information Act showing a secret Pentagon project in 1960 to train zombie soldiers; other documents indicate that President Kennedy refused to allow the military to take those undead soldiers into Vietnam, favoring traditional military techniques instead.Washington, DC -- President Kennedy's refusal to allow the Pentagon to send highly-trained zombie soldiers into Vietnam may be responsible for the United State's decade-plus long involvement in the war, experts say after reviewing the declassified documents.

The documents detailing the 1960 zombie training program paint a picture of a dedicated faction of military scientists working to prevent military casualties. The project, according to the documents, was immensely successful, with training exercises and simulations showing civilian casualty rates near zero percent, friendly fire casualties also down significantly. Perhaps most significantly, the documents state that the zombie soldiers could have replaced the entire front line of the US military in Vietnam, protecting our own soldiers behind a wall of unstoppable fighting creatures.

"I don't even need to tell you how many lives this could have saved," said Philbert McNamey, a military historian specializing in the Vietnam War. "With this army of undead soldiers under our control, we could have saved Vietnam from falling to Communism, or even have marched this army into China and the U.S.S.R. to completely erradicate the communist threat."

A source close to the Kennedy family, speaking anonymously, says it was JFK's Catholic upbringing that ultimately kept him from approving the use of the zombies. "Voodoo and the black arts [which turn dead bodies into zombies] are seen as sinful, and the tools of Satan according to the Roman Catholic catechism. John couldn't justify using the tools of the devil to attack communism, as evil as communism itself may have been. 'You can fight fire with fire,' JFK said, 'but you can't fight evil with the tools of the devil.'"

US Military Bolsters Forces with Undead, Fearing Space Alien/Terrorist Invasion

President Bush has issued an executive order appropriating more resources towards the recruiting of zombie soldiers. Meanwhile, the US has raised the terror alert level from Elevated (Yellow) to High (Orange) in response to new intelligence that extraterrestrials have joined forces with Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda. White House staff confirmed rumors Sunday that the U.S. was indeed building up its zombie forces, based on the same intelligence reports that prompted the change in the terror alert level.

Should extraterrestrials, supplemented with terrorist intelligence from Al Qaeda, attack the United States, many within the administration felt that our weapons technology is inadequate to defeat an alien invasion. A senior staffer, speaking on anonymnity, told Byzantine Communications reporters that Bush himself suggested bolstering our zombie military brigades.

Experts report that the looming alien vs. zombie warfare will be the first such occurrence in recorded history. Phil Laumbert, professor of undead studies at Princeton, had this to say:

Never before have aliens battled with the undead humans on our planet. This is something that has only been contemplated in '50s horror films. What happens when extraterrestrials, with their highly advanced technology, are faced with unrelenting, unstoppable zombie warriors? As a professor of zombie research, I'm inclined to support the theory that the zombies will prevail, solely on the fact that no conventional military techniques or weapons have been able to significantly impact an undead onslaught.

Other experts contend that the buildup of undead will lead to a new "Cold War". The Aliens, they say, would likely stage most of their attacks from space, only coming down to earth to clean up and claim Earth, turning humans into slaves. But with the zombie card in our pocket, we may be spared the attacks -- these experts believe that the aliens would be unable to immobilize the zombies, and thereby making any attack on our planet a waste.

Whatever happens, Byzantine Communications' It's News, Dammit will bring you the latest news as it happens.

Weekly World News losing Key Zombie Demographic

Undead respond to allegations of terrorist ties

The undead population has called for a boycott of the Weekly World News
and the resignation of the executive management of the newspaper following publication of their August 7th issue featuring the article "Homeland Security Chief Warns Bush...Terrorists Recruiting Zombie Army to Invade US."

"Zombies are not terrorists," declared Ed Johnson, spokesman for the Zombies United For America campaign. "This story from [WWN] is nothing but blatant lies and the zombie community will not stand by as such horrible allegations are made."

Undead readership, which once made up a healthy percentage of the yearly subscribers to the newspaper, has dwindled to just 5% of the total readers, according to sources within Weekly World News, and continues to fall as the boycott enters its third week. ZUFA reps report that undead have largely turned to alternative news sources such as Byzantine Communications' own It's News, Dammit! publication.

ZUFA spokesman Johnson saysthat the group has not ruled out filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of subscribers, and is definitely pursuing a federal case of discrimination. "Zombies are not second-class citizens. Weekly World News could not have made such allegations against any other race or group without an enormous backlash, and this case is no different."

Government Staffs Patent Office with Undead

Results exceed projected budget savings

Washington, DC - An executive order signed by President Bush on June 5 authorized the use of undead soldiers to supplement staffing at the U.S. Patent and Trademark office. According to Gerald Smith, an accounting technician overseeing USPTO payroll, this order provided for 50 undead to sort the increasing number of patent applications that the office receives.

"The obvious benefit of undead laborers within government is that they work unpaid, and that is what we based our budget forecasts on," Smith said. "What we hadn't anticipated was how efficiently the undead work. And because they ate most of their living supevisors and coworkers, we've been able to cut our payroll budget in half."

These undead workers have been able to effectively eliminate the backlog of applications, literally piled into bins on the loading docks of the Patent Office. Intellectual property experts herald this as a remarkable achievement, which should pave the way for better quality patent investigation at the office.

"The Patent Office has had to deal with a very negative public perception lately, what with issuing patents for Swinging Sideways on a Swing (patent #6,368,227) or Amusing Your Cat with a Laser Pointer (patent #5,443,036)," says Richard Oberwelt, a lawyer for the Popular Patents Association. "With the application backlog cleaned up, the [zombie] patent clerks will be able to more thoroughly examine the claims that the applications make, and perform a more thorough search for prior art which could invalidate the patents."

ACLU lawyers today filed a class action suit against the U.S. goverment on behalf of the undead workers, alleging that government's refusal to pay the workers fair wages, only allowing them to feast on the brains and vital organs of illegal immigrants and death row prisoners amounts to slavery.

Justice Department officials dismiss the ACLU suit as rubbish, while White House officials praised the undead for their remarkable work at the Patent Office, and remained open to the possibility of filling other goverment agencies with zombie workers.

United States Military uses Undead in Iraqi War

Najaf, Iraq – The first reports of horrified Iraq Republican Guard units were first discounted as the ravings of the shell shocked, but now firmly documented reports confirm the use of some sort of undead troops by the United States. As the United States push towards Baghdad slowed it is now apparent that the Government authorized a desperate gamble, confirmed reports say that suddenly United States troops seemed to pull out of their positions and then the Iraqis were forced to confront true horror.

“The American artillery was still pounding away at our armored divisions and hard targets,” said one former Republican Guard Colonel. “We saw large groups of what appeared to be American soldiers advancing on our positions, and we opened fire. They wouldn’t die…it was horrible. We would blow them to pieces, but the pieces would merely reassemble and continue the advance. They were invincible. The began to rip my men apart and eat them...it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. We had no choice, but to withdraw."

Many have speculated why the Iraq armor units moved out making them easy targets, most thought it was merely stupidity of the Iraqi commanders or perhaps an underestimation of American air power, but Iraqi commanders tell a different tale. They had to move out or be destroyed by legions of the living dead that devoured the flesh of the living. Somehow the government was able to control these ghouls enough that they only devoured those of the Iraqi military and did not attack the normal populace of this Arab nation.

“The stink of rot was strong in the air,” said Mohammad Akubar, a local Islamic Cleric. “There appeared to be thousands of men, if you can call them men rightly, in American uniform. They stumbled about, but no matter what was done to them they did not stop advancing. I saw one up close myself, his stink was unbearable…his face was damaged beyond repair and flesh seemed to hang from his bones. He looked at me and it sent a chill to my very core…but thank Allah I was not his target and he continued towards the Iraqi lines.”

Once the Republican Guard units had retreated and been blow apart by the US Air Force the unliving were recalled and not seen again in the fighting.

“If anything proves that the American’s are the Great Satan more than this…I know not what it is,” said Akubar. “This is truly an abomination in the eyes of all religions.”

The Pentagon refused to comment on the possible existence of legions of the undead under US Military control, sighting National Security concerns. A Highly placed source in the Pentagon revealed that the Undead had also been used in Afghanistan in the cave fighting against the Taliban.

“President Bush himself authorized the use of these…things. It’s new technology, but it worked well which means will probably see them again and again…someday perhaps even openly.”