United States Military Unveils New Supercomputer

Skynet the wave of the Future!

Washington, DC – Senior Pentagon officials were happy to announce that years of intense research had finally paid off as the new government Supercomputer known as “Skynet” is ready for launch. Skynet will link all of the automated systems across the nation eliminating the chance for human error. While this is seen by many as a success for all, there are certain watchdog groups that are very upset with Skynet’s ability to tap into and control things as mundane and out of the military loop as your personal computer and the internet they see it as the government going to far.

“While we have not as yet announced and official roll out date for Skynet we are very excited by all the wonderful possibilities it offers,” said General Mark Williams, Assistant Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “Eliminating human error and streamlining our command and control processes will once again make it obvious why we have the best damn military in the world.”

Senior staffers at the White House said that the president who had initially been all for the startup of the Skynet system has cooled on it recently after watching a couple of movies his daughters had rented from Blockbuster to watch on “Family Night”. While some say it is possible that the president may again reverse his position many feel it is unlikely.

“He suddenly seemed really spooked by the project,” said one Senior Bush Administration Official. “When he took a good close look at some of the stuff he started really freaking out it was pretty weird. I really thought he was going to faint when he saw the design we came up with for these cyborg things the Pentagon had designed to protect Skynet. He really didn’t like the fact that we had used Arnold Schwartzennegger as the model for the design either. He kept screaming, ‘Do you asses watch movies, or do you just ignore everything around you.’ It was pretty freaky.”

Some in the Pentagon were initially worried about this since some of the systems needing to be turned over to Skynet needed Presidential approval, such as Nuclear and Undead controls, but already some things have been turned over to the system. As yet no disasters have been reported, though there was one near miss.

“I did get one odd command the other day,” said US Marine Colonel Robert Harris at the Guantanimo Bay base in Cuba. “It told us to kill all the Cubans and then one another. We almost started doing it when a counter order came down. I’m sure they just have to iron the bugs out.”

“Once we have President Bush, or the next President on board we’ll advance forward,” said General Williams. “The President’s concerns over Skynet becoming self aware and deciding we are its enemies is extremely unlikely. Once he realizes that Skynet will not in fact slaughter the human race in Nuclear fire on a day known as Judgment Day, he’ll sign off and we can get this thing started.”

Aliens consider issuing public apology

Washington D.C – Byzantine News sources here in Washington have uncovered a letter from high ranking Alien officials stating their intention to reveal their existence, and to apologize for their behavior towards humans. Contained with the letter is a rough draft of what the Aliens are planning to issue to all major news sources through the Associated Press sometime next week. Also it is said in the letter that a high ranking Alien official will consent to doing an interview with the New York Times, as the Aliens seek a respected and authoritarian paper with which to disseminate their multi-faceted agenda.

“Many have speculated that we may have built the pyramids,” said one excerpt from the letter. “This is untrue. In reality there was a group of us who decided it would be fun to act like gods…and so we forced your ancestors to build them. Sorry about that really.”

While many scientists and historians reeled at the information contained within these secret documents, and some denied their validity, others saw what was a very unpopular opinion suddenly proved correct or at least close to correct by these findings.

“Some of the things mentioned here I have to admit even I hadn’t considered,” said one historian. “However many of the things that are mentioned in this document back up what I have been saying for years. I think the University of Washington is going to regret revoking my tenure.”

The Aliens also plan to apologize for the following:

Anal Probes - "I know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. It ended up not teaching us much more about you than the fact that roughly 10% of you liked the process."

Cattle killing - "We don't really have meat where we're from...we were trying to figure out how to carve off a steak or maybe make a hamburger. As you can see the results were very messy at first."

Crop Circles - "All I can say on this one is Aliens have teenage children too. I hope enough said on that one."

Velcro - "It was suposed to be a funny joke...how did we know you guys would like that crap so much"

UFO Sightings - "Yeah that was us...did you really expect us to stop by because you spotted us though?"

Government Energy test goes horribly wrong

Are we safe or did we merely bury our doom?

Outside Area 51, Nevada – Government experiments in the field of alien technology took a severe toll as a large portion of the secret Area 51 base had to be evacuated and then destroyed. Government scientists were working on duplicating the energy source the aliens use for their interstellar travel, when suddenly something went terribly wrong. The engine somehow caused a tear in the very fabric or reality and something came through. Confronted by something they could not understand nor contain the government scientists called in the military, but all they could do was hold it at bay while they evacuated the area and detonated the self-destruct unit, hopefully burying their mistakes in the Nevada desert.

“The creature was massive…it was well over eight feet in height, possibly as tall as ten feet,” said one scientist who had been fired due to this dreadful failure. “It was roughly man shaped, but it wasn’t really substantial…it was like a dark cloud…black, but you could see through it you know? It had horns, but they were just as insubstantial as the rest of him…if you can rightly call it a him. The only thing that wasn’t like a black swirling man-shaped cloud were his eyes…they were red…deep red, the looked almost like molten rock or steel. We were lucky the room was stainless steel it kept him contained a bit…he doesn’t like the touch of metal you see.”

At this point “The Darkman” as the scientists on hand have dubbed him began to advance on the nearest scientist to him, and then merely touched him.

“He just started screaming…it ate his very life force, and his soul. He just kind of withered away into nothing. It was hard just watching it. We pulled the alarm at that point and got the hell out of there.”

The military was unsure how to proceed in battling the Darkman. After a few soldiers were killed they discovered they could force him to retreat if they just continually shot him. The Darkman withdrew in the face of the onslaught of hot lead, as he apparently hates the touch of metal. Army forces soon discovered that they had no way to kill the creature. The steel and lead discomforted the Darkman, but did not really injure it. That is when the President was forced to authorize the self-destruction of a section of the base.

“The President was not to pleased with this situation to say the least. None of his top scientists could give him an answer if this would kill the creature and seal the tear,” said a Senior White House Aid. “The President wanted to send in some of our Undead to hold it at bay, can’t kill what’s dead, while we came up with a better plan, but his scientists advised against it saying it was unlikely they would be able to come up with a better solution.”

Members of the scientific community have a wide ranging opinions on the subject of whether the rift is sealed and the beast destroyed.

“I think we’ve seen the last of this thing…with nothing to feed on down there it will slowly waste away into nothingness,” said a scientist from Purdue University.

“We have no idea what this creature is capable of, nor do we really know what caused the rift…for all we know we may have sealed our own doom,” said another from Iowa State University.

Rebuilding of the destroyed section of the Area 51 base began today as crews attempted to restore the base to some semblance of order so the reverse engineering of alien technology could continue as soon as possible.

United States Military uses Undead in Iraqi War

Najaf, Iraq – The first reports of horrified Iraq Republican Guard units were first discounted as the ravings of the shell shocked, but now firmly documented reports confirm the use of some sort of undead troops by the United States. As the United States push towards Baghdad slowed it is now apparent that the Government authorized a desperate gamble, confirmed reports say that suddenly United States troops seemed to pull out of their positions and then the Iraqis were forced to confront true horror.

“The American artillery was still pounding away at our armored divisions and hard targets,” said one former Republican Guard Colonel. “We saw large groups of what appeared to be American soldiers advancing on our positions, and we opened fire. They wouldn’t die…it was horrible. We would blow them to pieces, but the pieces would merely reassemble and continue the advance. They were invincible. The began to rip my men apart and eat them...it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. We had no choice, but to withdraw."

Many have speculated why the Iraq armor units moved out making them easy targets, most thought it was merely stupidity of the Iraqi commanders or perhaps an underestimation of American air power, but Iraqi commanders tell a different tale. They had to move out or be destroyed by legions of the living dead that devoured the flesh of the living. Somehow the government was able to control these ghouls enough that they only devoured those of the Iraqi military and did not attack the normal populace of this Arab nation.

“The stink of rot was strong in the air,” said Mohammad Akubar, a local Islamic Cleric. “There appeared to be thousands of men, if you can call them men rightly, in American uniform. They stumbled about, but no matter what was done to them they did not stop advancing. I saw one up close myself, his stink was unbearable…his face was damaged beyond repair and flesh seemed to hang from his bones. He looked at me and it sent a chill to my very core…but thank Allah I was not his target and he continued towards the Iraqi lines.”

Once the Republican Guard units had retreated and been blow apart by the US Air Force the unliving were recalled and not seen again in the fighting.

“If anything proves that the American’s are the Great Satan more than this…I know not what it is,” said Akubar. “This is truly an abomination in the eyes of all religions.”

The Pentagon refused to comment on the possible existence of legions of the undead under US Military control, sighting National Security concerns. A Highly placed source in the Pentagon revealed that the Undead had also been used in Afghanistan in the cave fighting against the Taliban.

“President Bush himself authorized the use of these…things. It’s new technology, but it worked well which means will probably see them again and again…someday perhaps even openly.”

Possible Product of Soviet Experiments Eyes NBA Draft in 2004

Petropavlovsk, Russia - Many people in this port city are wondering what the future holds for native son, Ivan Ivanolov. This would not be unusual except for the fact that Ivanolov is eight foot ten inches in height, three hundred fifty-nine pounds and only sixteen years eleven months of age. While those dimensions are staggering they do nothing to excite NBA scouts as much as his sheer athleticism. The only problem with Ivan? His mysterious past.

Ivan was born on June 24th, 1986 that much is known. However all other records including the names and identities of his parents as well as their location were sealed by the Soviet Union and have not been declassified by the new Russian Republic. A seemingly friendly scientist, Petrov Ivanolov, who formerly worked on secret projects for the Soviet Union during the 70's and 80's at the Petropavlovsk Labs of the Workers and Laborers of the Soviet Union, raised Ivan and his adopted father claimed to know nothing about his origins. Petrov died of severe cancer December 9th of 2002 taking any secrets he was still holding to the grave with him. With his adopted fathers past well known and it also being well known that his specialty was in genetic manipulation it has widely been thought that Ivan was created at the labs by Dr. Ivanolov and other scientists.

"He was always big for his age, he was four and half feet tall at three years of age. This would alarm most parents, but all Dr. Ivanolov did was praise him and make him follow an intensive workout regime. If anything he seemed disappointed when Ivan didn't reach eight feet in height by the sixth grade," said a neighbor who agreed speak to Byzantine News. "Petrov always seemed to think everyone around him was spies for the United States as well...he was very strange to say the least."

"If Ivan Ivanolov isn't the product of some Soviet experiment to create the perfect soldier I'll be shocked," said another neighbor.

Ivan began playing the game of basketball as part of his radical workout regime designed by Dr. Ivanolov. Some have felt that he should have been playing on the national team since he hit seven feet of height back in 6th grade. Ivan who was dubbed "Big Red" by his teammates has improved by leaps and bounds combining size, strength and bulk with the off the charts athleticism of NBA stars like Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Tracy McGrady.

"When I heard of him I thought it was a big joke, like the Tahiti Mermaid or something like that, but this kid is as real as it gets," said one NBA Scout. "He will dominate the game of basketball like no other. He'll be more dominant than Wilt [Chamberlain], win more titles than Bill [Russell], and will have more fans than Michael [Jordan]. Book it right now this kid is a star."

Another thing that has wowed scouts is his amazing ability to overcome injuries and to heal at amazing rates. In a recent game Ivan fell breaking his leg in two places, one a compound fracture. He was brought to the back on a stretcher, but returned to the game in the second half with not a single scratch, nor any sign at all of the gruesome injury.

"I'd trade anything for a chance at this kid," said one Eastern Conference General Manager. "The kid isn't just big and athletic, but because he's big for so long and he's been playing for so long he has the skills around the hoop of a veteran."

Ivan reportedly has not ruled out entering the NBA Draft as soon as next year as he will be eligible through a loophole created by Dark Milicic this past season due to the fact that he will be eighteen on draft night. Ivan has also not ruled out coming over to the United States and playing one year of college ball. The big man reportedly has been contacted and offered scholarships by Kansas, North Carolina, Duke, UCLA, and Marquette.

"If I play college ball it will most likely be at UCLA or Marquette," said Ivan. "Both coaches were very nice to me. Nicer than anyone I have ever known."

Most NBA scouts believe he is merely toying with the idea of going to college as a possible way to gain leverage over whatever NBA team selects him.