NASA finds no life on Mars; Democrats claims 'NASA misled us'

Although the Spirit and Opportunity rovers on Mars have found evidence for a wet history for the planet, NASA scientists were forced to admit that thus far, they have uncovered no evidence of life on the red planet. Democrats have criticized the space agency for leading America to the warrior planet based on lies."Before the rovers landed, week after week after week, we were told lie after lie after lie," said Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass.

Howard Dean on life on Mars: "There are many theories about it. The most interesting theory that I've heard so far -- which is nothing more than a theory, it can't be proved -- is that NASA was warned ahead of time by the Saudis that there was no life on Mars."

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry: "I actually did vote for the Mars rover missions before I voted against it."

"I was the first candidate in this race to come out against the rover missions," Al Sharpton told an audience of about 300 at Harvard University's Kennedy School of Government. "I didn't believe there were Martians with weapons of mass destruction."

Richard Clarke, the chief counterterrorism advisor to the president accused Bush of pressuring him to find a link between water and life on the red planet: "The president dragged me into a room with a couple of other people, shut the door and said, 'I want you to find whether there is life on Mars,' " Clarke told the CBS program 60 Minutes. "He never said, 'Make it up.' But the entire conversation left me in absolutely no doubt that George Bush wanted me to come back with a report that said the rovers would find life on Mars."

NASA points out that while no evidence of life on Mars has surfaced yet, the mission is still ongoing, and they have found evidence of a watery past, which is a condition suitable for such life.

David Kay, in a statement on the interim progress report of the activities of the Mars survey group offered up this testimony: "We have not yet found life on Mars, but we are not yet at the point where we can say definitively either that such life do not exist or that they existed before the mission and our only task is to find where they have gone. We are actively engaged in searching for such life based on information being supplied to us by rovers."

US Military Bolsters Forces with Undead, Fearing Space Alien/Terrorist Invasion

President Bush has issued an executive order appropriating more resources towards the recruiting of zombie soldiers. Meanwhile, the US has raised the terror alert level from Elevated (Yellow) to High (Orange) in response to new intelligence that extraterrestrials have joined forces with Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda. White House staff confirmed rumors Sunday that the U.S. was indeed building up its zombie forces, based on the same intelligence reports that prompted the change in the terror alert level.

Should extraterrestrials, supplemented with terrorist intelligence from Al Qaeda, attack the United States, many within the administration felt that our weapons technology is inadequate to defeat an alien invasion. A senior staffer, speaking on anonymnity, told Byzantine Communications reporters that Bush himself suggested bolstering our zombie military brigades.

Experts report that the looming alien vs. zombie warfare will be the first such occurrence in recorded history. Phil Laumbert, professor of undead studies at Princeton, had this to say:

Never before have aliens battled with the undead humans on our planet. This is something that has only been contemplated in '50s horror films. What happens when extraterrestrials, with their highly advanced technology, are faced with unrelenting, unstoppable zombie warriors? As a professor of zombie research, I'm inclined to support the theory that the zombies will prevail, solely on the fact that no conventional military techniques or weapons have been able to significantly impact an undead onslaught.

Other experts contend that the buildup of undead will lead to a new "Cold War". The Aliens, they say, would likely stage most of their attacks from space, only coming down to earth to clean up and claim Earth, turning humans into slaves. But with the zombie card in our pocket, we may be spared the attacks -- these experts believe that the aliens would be unable to immobilize the zombies, and thereby making any attack on our planet a waste.

Whatever happens, Byzantine Communications' It's News, Dammit will bring you the latest news as it happens.

Alien Spacecraft Spotted in Jersey

A dull-looking metal alloy alien spacecraft was spotted cruising along the New Jersey turnpike Saturday. Authorities are interested in contacting the owner; the craft did not have proper license plates.If anyone has any information about the craft, which measured approximately 55 feet long by 10 feet wide, they should contact the New Jersey state troopers.

Osama bin Laden escapes to Mars; War declared against Aliens

Osama bin Laden escaped from a federal terrorist detetion facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and has been spotted on the surface of Mars by the Spirit rover. NASA scientists speculate that bin Laden had the aid of extraterrestrials; President Bush, with a nod from the US Senate and House of Representatives, declares war on Martians.President Bush addressed the nation on Sunday with a special speech:

Recalling my October 7, 2001 speech to the nation, I said that from that day forward, any nation that continues to harbor or support terrorism will be regarded by the United States as a hostile regime. The same holds true for any group or organization, including any extra-terrestrial beings who aid and abet the actions of international terrorists.



Since the solar flares and coronal mass ejections of October of last year, the CIA has gathered what I believe to be conclusive evidence that these solar phenomena were not merely natural occurences, but deliberate attacks against the free people of our world.

Now we have direct visual evidence of Osama bin Laden's collaboration with these extra terrestrial beings, and on this, the fifteenth day of February, two-thousand and four, I ask the Congress of the United States to formally declare war against the extraterrestrial beings on the planet Mars.

The House of Representatives and the Senate convened for a special session on Sunday afternoon, and quickly handed the President his declaration.

Sci Fi Channel to unveil new reality TV hit

Abducted! will follow the daily lives and nightly alien abductions experienced by twelve participants who have been regularly abducted by aliens during their sleep.

Executives a the Sci Fi Channel have revealed a few details of the upcoming show to Byzantine Communications news staff.

• Twelve multiple abductees (each having experienced 10 or more abductions in the past year) have been selected for the show.
• Participants' homes will be outfitted with multiple fixed cameras, as well as followed outside their home by experienced reality television camera crews during the day.
• At night, the in-home fixed cameras will switch to infra-red mode in the dark, and the participants pajamas have even been outfitted with mini cameras to catch the alien abductors in action.

This new show is set to debut in mid-March, tentatively scheduled into the 9-10pm Thursdays time slot.

Sunspots, Coronal Mass Ejections on Sun are work of terrorists

Hot on the heels of theories that international terrorists are to blame for the raging California wildfires, NASA has stolen the headlines: extraterrestrial terrorists have launched attacks on Earth, using our Sun as their weapon."Early this morning, NASA space satellites recorded one of the largest coronal mass ejections from the sun that we have ever seen," NASA Kennedy Space Center director James Kennedy announced. "Upon further examination of the video and photographic evidence, we found that an extra-terrestrial craft, approximately the size of Rhode Island, approached that region of the sun, emitted some kind of electromagnetic radiation that we've never seen before, and departed at an incredible velocity just seconds before the ejection."

Officials with NASA, in cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security, are urging citizens to react cautiously to the news. "There is no evidence that the more than 2 billion tons of solar material headed towards Earth will cause any more than temporary disruptions in communications, from a few hours to possibly half a day."

Other scientists paint a grimmer scenario: "This disruption in communications is likely to precede their invasion force. Once they've rendered our communications systems ineffective, we cannot react to their invasion in a coordinated matter," said Ralph Johnson, professor of astrophysics at MIT.

Whatever their motives are, these extraterrestrials clearly have their eyes set on Earth. We will know within a day if their intention is communication or conquest.

Eastern Orthodox Church concealed Alien Visits

Church reveals documentation of extraterrestrial visits that had remained under lock and key for nearly 1,500 years.

Ecumenical patriarch Bartholomew I today unveiled a startling set of documents that have remained out of public view for up to one and a half millenia. These documents, written on parchment, detail the visits by Aliens to the leaders of the Eastern Orthodox Church in the early years of its separation from mainstream Catholicism.

"With the release of these documents, we are willing to show the world that there is alien life, and they have played an integral part in maintaining our faith in God," Bartholomew I told a press conference in Istanbul.

These hereto secret documents were once only known to a select number of bishops within the Orthodox Church, and are comprised of the original accounts of the alien visits, as well as commentary by subsequent bishops. "The extra terrestrials were truly interested in helping us to maintain our spirtual well-being," Bartholomew I said. "They helped to show us the error of our ways, and reinforced our belief in maintaining the standard of living that Jesus himself would have us aspire to."

The Orthodox Church has asked the Catholic Church to examine the documents, and hopes that this revelation will help to foster a new era of cooperation between the religions, as both share nearly the same set of beliefs.

USAF Holds Top Secret Area 51 Garage Sale

Las Vegas, NV - Leaked governmental memos, heavily censored with black markers, indicate that the United States Air Force has been taking bids from other governmental agencies as well as NGOs (non governmental organizations) for equipment from the Groom Lake, Nevada facility popularly known as Area 51. Area 51 is widely believed to be the testing grounds for acquired alien technology.

One of the memos, acquired by Byzantine Communications reporters, seems to indicate that the Area 51 commanders have been actively soliciting bids on various items. None of these items are named; each is referred to only by a six digit number.

Sources within the White House said that the auction was by invitation only, and refused to name any invitees, saying only that several dozen "governmental agencies, universities, and corporations" were invited to participate.

The Area 51 facility has long been surrounded by controversy and fears of government conspiracy. There are few who have clearance high enough to enter the base, and no one who works there has been bold enough to leak any substantial proof of the technologies contained within. In fact, the memo obtained by Byzantine Communications is the most compelling piece of hard evidence obtained to date.

Military officials dismissed the memo as a forgery, and would not comment on whether the auctioned property was in any way related to accident that occurred at an Area 51 laboratory last month.

Aliens consider issuing public apology

Washington D.C – Byzantine News sources here in Washington have uncovered a letter from high ranking Alien officials stating their intention to reveal their existence, and to apologize for their behavior towards humans. Contained with the letter is a rough draft of what the Aliens are planning to issue to all major news sources through the Associated Press sometime next week. Also it is said in the letter that a high ranking Alien official will consent to doing an interview with the New York Times, as the Aliens seek a respected and authoritarian paper with which to disseminate their multi-faceted agenda.

“Many have speculated that we may have built the pyramids,” said one excerpt from the letter. “This is untrue. In reality there was a group of us who decided it would be fun to act like gods…and so we forced your ancestors to build them. Sorry about that really.”

While many scientists and historians reeled at the information contained within these secret documents, and some denied their validity, others saw what was a very unpopular opinion suddenly proved correct or at least close to correct by these findings.

“Some of the things mentioned here I have to admit even I hadn’t considered,” said one historian. “However many of the things that are mentioned in this document back up what I have been saying for years. I think the University of Washington is going to regret revoking my tenure.”

The Aliens also plan to apologize for the following:

Anal Probes - "I know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. It ended up not teaching us much more about you than the fact that roughly 10% of you liked the process."

Cattle killing - "We don't really have meat where we're from...we were trying to figure out how to carve off a steak or maybe make a hamburger. As you can see the results were very messy at first."

Crop Circles - "All I can say on this one is Aliens have teenage children too. I hope enough said on that one."

Velcro - "It was suposed to be a funny joke...how did we know you guys would like that crap so much"

UFO Sightings - "Yeah that was us...did you really expect us to stop by because you spotted us though?"

NASA Denies Joint Human-Alien Collaboration

Ft. Worth, TX - Top-level officials for the National Aeronatic and Space Administration today vigorously denied any cooperative work with extraterrestrials, despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

In a press conference Friday at 1200 CDT, NASA leaders announced that any claims that the government agency is involved in any joint efforts with alien life forms.

"The mere suggestion of this is ludicrous," Bill Adelanto decried. "The nearest solar system is billions of miles away, and would take hundreds of years to travel the distance. We have not even come up with a theoretical means of travelling fast enough to travel so far, and besides, we do not even believe that these nearest solar systems to be capable [of supporting alien life]."

The officials at the press conference read from prepared speeches, and refused to answer any questions. However, Byzantine Communications reporters were able to obtain off-the-record quotes from aides to these officials.

"I am 100% certain that there is no alien collaboration occuring within the NASA program," one aide spoke anonymously. "But I cannot make the same declaration about other agencies with which NASA does frequently compare 'research.'"

NASA officials refused to discuss any information related to such "research."