President Bush has issued an executive order appropriating more resources towards the recruiting of zombie soldiers. Meanwhile, the US has raised the terror alert level from Elevated (Yellow) to High (Orange) in response to new intelligence that extraterrestrials have joined forces with Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda. White House staff confirmed rumors Sunday that the U.S. was indeed building up its zombie forces, based on the same intelligence reports that prompted the change in the terror alert level.
Should extraterrestrials, supplemented with terrorist intelligence from Al Qaeda, attack the United States, many within the administration felt that our weapons technology is inadequate to defeat an alien invasion. A senior staffer, speaking on anonymnity, told Byzantine Communications reporters that Bush himself suggested bolstering our zombie military brigades.
Experts report that the looming alien vs. zombie warfare will be the first such occurrence in recorded history. Phil Laumbert, professor of undead studies at Princeton, had this to say:
Never before have aliens battled with the undead humans on our planet. This is something that has only been contemplated in '50s horror films. What happens when extraterrestrials, with their highly advanced technology, are faced with unrelenting, unstoppable zombie warriors? As a professor of zombie research, I'm inclined to support the theory that the zombies will prevail, solely on the fact that no conventional military techniques or weapons have been able to significantly impact an undead onslaught.
Other experts contend that the buildup of undead will lead to a new "Cold War". The Aliens, they say, would likely stage most of their attacks from space, only coming down to earth to clean up and claim Earth, turning humans into slaves. But with the zombie card in our pocket, we may be spared the attacks -- these experts believe that the aliens would be unable to immobilize the zombies, and thereby making any attack on our planet a waste.
Whatever happens, Byzantine Communications' It's News, Dammit will bring you the latest news as it happens.
