Scientists discover flower that cures Alzheimer's disease

Brown University scientists have discovered that the common "forget-me-not" flowers can actually help people not to forget. The ravages of Alzheimer's disease may be coming to an end, say scientists at prestigious Brown University. Biochemists there have discovered a compound in the forget-me-not flowers that they say can actually cease memory loss associated with the degernative brain disease.

"Over ninety percent of people with strong likelihood of developing Alzheimer's disease were able to maintain their same memory abilities over the length of the ten year study," said Joshua Robertson, PhD. "We found this particular set of results quite encouraging."

The group of scientists became interested in the abilities of common herbs and flowers to cure diseases. Robertson, the lead researcher, had lost his mother to Alzheimers, so it became the first disease to be investigated.

The actual choice of flowers was a no-brainer, say researchers. "Common sense tells you to keep it simple," said one associate researcher. "Why would people name a flower 'forget-me-not' unless it actually did aid in memory retention?"

An extract from the flower, which is common in floral arrangements, proved to be a powerful agent in preventing the development of Alzheimer's, but results were inconclusive regarding its ability to reverse the effects of the disease.

Scientists at competing universities caution that elderly people should not start eating flowers, and that investment advice to put your retirement fund money into greenhouses may be premature.

(Photo courtesy of Web of Species at Wellesley College)

NASA finds no life on Mars; Democrats claims 'NASA misled us'

Although the Spirit and Opportunity rovers on Mars have found evidence for a wet history for the planet, NASA scientists were forced to admit that thus far, they have uncovered no evidence of life on the red planet. Democrats have criticized the space agency for leading America to the warrior planet based on lies."Before the rovers landed, week after week after week, we were told lie after lie after lie," said Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass.

Howard Dean on life on Mars: "There are many theories about it. The most interesting theory that I've heard so far -- which is nothing more than a theory, it can't be proved -- is that NASA was warned ahead of time by the Saudis that there was no life on Mars."

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry: "I actually did vote for the Mars rover missions before I voted against it."

"I was the first candidate in this race to come out against the rover missions," Al Sharpton told an audience of about 300 at Harvard University's Kennedy School of Government. "I didn't believe there were Martians with weapons of mass destruction."

Richard Clarke, the chief counterterrorism advisor to the president accused Bush of pressuring him to find a link between water and life on the red planet: "The president dragged me into a room with a couple of other people, shut the door and said, 'I want you to find whether there is life on Mars,' " Clarke told the CBS program 60 Minutes. "He never said, 'Make it up.' But the entire conversation left me in absolutely no doubt that George Bush wanted me to come back with a report that said the rovers would find life on Mars."

NASA points out that while no evidence of life on Mars has surfaced yet, the mission is still ongoing, and they have found evidence of a watery past, which is a condition suitable for such life.

David Kay, in a statement on the interim progress report of the activities of the Mars survey group offered up this testimony: "We have not yet found life on Mars, but we are not yet at the point where we can say definitively either that such life do not exist or that they existed before the mission and our only task is to find where they have gone. We are actively engaged in searching for such life based on information being supplied to us by rovers."

NASA sends Coca Cola into Space; Pepsi Disappointed

U.S. space agency cautions that Coke was chosen for chemical properties and is not necessarily the beverage of choice for all researchers at NASA.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL (AP) - On Monday, at 9:17pm EDT, NASA launched a rocket to place a satellite into orbit. This satellite has a curious payload -- six cans of Coca Cola.

"This satellite contains a total of twenty scientific experiments, including the Coke," says Sean Livingston, a NASA scientist. "But the Coke experiment is by far the most fascinating."

Through this experiment, scientists hope to further expand our knowledge of the effects of cosmic rays on carbonated beverages. We currently know very little of the nature of cosmic ray interactions with beverages, carbonated or otherwise.

"If this study proves to be a success, which we can only imagine it will," continued Livingston, "then our next step will be to send an alcoholic beverage into space next. We are currently in talks with Jack Daniels, pursuing this next step."

Excluding the researchers salaries, this experiment has cost taxpayers, a total of $4.7 million, which paid for the special motion-damping suspension, the intra- and extra-can sensors, and the six pack of Coca Cola. The scientists assure us that the payoff from this research though will be priceless.

Pepsi officials declined to comment on the significance of this study, and would only say that Pepsi would have been a better choice. Meanwhile, Pepsi has announced a new relationship with the European Space Agency to study the effects that "weightlessness has on the hip, cool attitude of our Pepsi cola soft drink."

A/C Blamed for high death rate in Southwestern U.S.

Anonymous Reader writes:

Scientists at the University of Arizona at Tucscon have blamed air conditioning as the main cause of cancer in the warm desert southwest of the United States.

Researchers in the biochemistry program at the university ran a study to determine what was at the root of skyrocketing death rates in the region. "When we began the study, we were at a complete loss to explain the high death rate from cancer in the desert southwest," said Philbert Johnson, professor of microbiology. "The death rate in the region is five times per capita of that of the U.S. as a whole."

Relying on forensic investigative techniques, and sometimes a little dumb luck, the scientists forged on with their research. The entire effort lasted over five years, tracking the lives of nearly two hundred people from the Tuscon and Phoenix metro areas.

"We made very thorough inquiries into all of our subjects, keeping careful track of any variables that might skew our results," Dr. Johnson announced. The variables the study accounted for were marital status, home size, number of children, number of grandchildren, number of cars, daily calorie intake, daily salt intake, vitamin and mineral intake, and golf score.

"We could find no correllations between any of these factors and the high incidence of cancer," Johnson continued. "We were practically banging our heads against the wall of our office...when it hit us -- a cold breeze."

The scientists, chilled by their office air conditioner, checked their subjects records: 96% of them had central air cooling in their households, and all but one of the rest had a window-mounted air conditioning unit.

"We went over the numbers again and again, and it just made sense: the air conditioning was killing these people. We actually had 30 people in our study group die over the course of the study."

The scientists are urging people across the southwestern U.S. not to turn up the temperature of their air conditioning, but to turn the air conditioner off completely. "We have no evidence supporting a lower death rate correllating with a warmer A/C temperature. The very presence of an operating air conditioner appears to be the underlying factor. Please, turn off your air conditioner if you value your life!"

George Bush: Free Energy, Antigravity for All!

Washington, DC - Shocking the Department of Energy, and his entire Cabinet staff, George W Bush announced during his Saturday radio address that the laws of thermodynamics are complete "bullcrap" and that each and every legal citizen in the United States has the rights to free, limitless energy and the ability to break free from the Earth's gravity at will.

Citing a study be a senior staff aerospace defense engineer, George J. Bugh, Bush claimed that "It's obvious that this guy knows what he's talking about. I hear he's been studying this project for seven years. Plus, his name looks a lot like mine."

The President's radio address consisted almost entirely of an apparently pre-recorded reading with Bush's own commentary of a press release of sorts, entitled "Aerospace Defense Research finds Free Energy and Antigravity Possible." This release has been submitted to numerous online news sources, many of which have published the release in its entirety.

"There can be a hidden yet strong tendency towards harmony among all matter in the universe due to these unseen standing waves and spin interactions among all matter. This tendency can overcome to a great extent the tendency towards chaos and heat death of the universe," Bush read from the press release. Bush further commented, "Now I don't know about y'all folks out there, but I'm as afraid of dying from heat as I am from cold, so with free energy, we can all make sure we stay warm! Never again will anyone have to freeze to death! Provided they stay in a shelter operated by charitable organizations, of course, not goverment-run beaurocrats."

Bush read on: "Bugh describes inertial resistance to acceleration as caused by electromagnetic forces. Changes in position of a mass will cause phase differences to develop between the precessional motions of the particles of that mass relative to the sea of standing waves. This in turn causes electromagnetic force that resists a mass from changing its position," to which he wryly commented that it would be a shame to let those electromagnets force us to submit ourselves to our planet's gravity.

Bush encouraged listeners accross the country to purchase Bugh's book, which he named in his radio address, and urged America's scientists to pursue free energy, whatever the costs. "How many children must suffer and die in the heat death of the universe before scientists will be moved to help? Why should your President keep his feet on the ground, harnessed by Earth's gravitational attraction? Please, scientists: give me free energy! Free me from gravity's harsh pull! Free your children, let them float freely in the atmosphere! God Bless America!"

Artificial Intelligence experiment goes awry

Dayton, OH - Two hundred twelve lives and tens of thousands of man-hours were lost Saturday after an artificial intelligence experiment went horribly wrong. Full details have not been released yet by authorities, but reports by witnesses tell accounts of violence and bloodshed that security guards and police were unable to stop.

"It was the most horrible thing I have ever seen," according to James Davis, senior engineer on another project at the facility. "They had been testing a new bomb-defusing robot at the Northwest Lab all this week. They were nearly two months behind schedule. The programmers asked for more time, but the project manager felt the code was complete enough. He was wrong."

The first twelve test cases completed successfully, but the next caused a condition known as a buffer-overflow, overwriting the machines instructions with random garbage.

All seven members of the development team perished in the accident, as did over two hundred other researchers present at the facility that day.

"The facility alarms sounded as soon as the robot broke through the lab door," said Bill Roiley, a security supervisor at the research labs. "We tried to disable the robot, but were unsuccessful. It's built to withstand bomb blasts, and it's equipped with an array of blades, projectiles and explosive charges. I lost some of my best men to that machine, and all we achieved was a few dents in its panels."

The robot's rampage lasted four hours as it blasted or sawed through walls and doors, brutally killing any researcher in its path, and the brutality ended only as the robots battery began to fail.

"We really lucked out," said Roiley. "From what I understand, this thing was to be powered by a small nuclear pile rated for 30 years of continuous service, but budgetary cuts forced the use of lead-acid auto batteries for the testing phase. Had this thing had its intended battery, I fear what would have happened as the robot left the facility and ventured into the surrounding community."

Only those researchers and other staff who managed to hide from the robot's thermal imaging sensors were able to avoid a grisly fate as the robot took its turns through the facility. Police officials promise to release more details as the victims' families are notified.

Wisconsin Irradiates Welfare Recipients

Controversial Welfare-to-Work program tested experimental "work-inducing" radiation on jobless

Madison, WI - State officials and the University of Wisconsin - Madison Board of Regents admitted Wednesday to an experimental program conducted by a research group at the university which irradiated welfare recipients with several doses of so-called W-rays (work rays). The experiments, which took place in 1999, were funded by a collaborative effort including the State Department of Workforce Development and Monster.com.

"Project W, as it was known, was a failed attempt to decrease unemployment in the state by inducing a strong work ethic in the unemployed," Roberta Gassman, Secretary of the DWD, stated in a press conference. "The W-rays have shown proven results in animal laboratory experiments: rats and rabbits exposed to the radiation displayed marked improvements in problem solving and cooperation exercises. Human trials were authorized in the State's Balanced Budget Act of 1997, along with the creation of the Welfare-to-Work program."

The officials at the press conference revealed that the W-rays were administered through what appeared to be a metal detector at the entrance to the unemployment offices in Dane, Jefferson and Rock counties.

"Did Project W work? The results are unclear," said Jim McNeehan, an associate professor in the biophysics program at the university. "Those who received multiple full doses of the W-rays did not rejoin the workforce any more quickly than their control group counterparts, but those who received between one and three moderate doses did show a slight decrease in unemployed time. Clearly, further study is needed, with a larger sample group that was assigned for Phase 2."

Because of the state's impending $3.2 billion deficit, there is no money available to conduct Phase 2 of Project W, so it has been postponed. Phase 2 would have expanded the Project to all counties in the southern half of the state, and would have included aptitude and problem-solving tests for the experimental subjects, both before and after the radiation was administered.

Supporters of Project W say that the project will help the budget situation within a year, as welfare recipients return to work and generate more revenue for the state. They have started a petition to resume funding the project in the State's next biennial budget.