Area Coed Transcends into a god

Anonymous Reader writes:

In a stunning feat not seen since Biblical times, area coed Alicia Sorensen has transcended into a goddess at the student union last night after joining a local sorority. Eyewitness accounts of the event itself are diverse. It seems Sorensen grew instantly to about 20 feet tall, shot lightning from her fingertips, and admonished her fellow students for materialism before vanishing in a plume of green smoke.

Teary eyed sorority rush chair, Michelle VanDerveer, described the transformation as "a shock" and continued: "We never meant our pledges would actually become goddesses and shoot lightning, be worshiped, or fly when we begun this season's rush, but apparently it has happened". VanDerveer and her fellow sorority sisters agreed last Spring to entitle this year's pledge drive "Become a Goddess: Go Greek".

Signs of her transformation did not go unnoticed. Last week, numerous witnesses saw Sorensen turn ants into butterflies, library books into white rabbits, and computers into a variety of bushes and shrubs. Physics professor H. G. Hartiwild, after some initial investigation, called these events "parlor tricks". Missing university computers are still unaccounted for. Rabbits still abound in the library (as do their droppings).

When asked if Sorensen behaved unusually, sorority vice chair Veronica Mendoza replied, "Alicia took the whole goddess thing way too seriously from the start. She kept reading these musty old books from the restricted section of the library and began talking about Gaia. Then odd things began to happen. First it was the all the squirrels and wild animals came up to her and ate out of her hand, and then the grass in the quad seemed to grow thicker and greener every time she walked past. Eventually her whole personality changed. She began to talk like Yoda and rambling on and on.

Religious studies professor Herbert Spooner comments, "Usually newly minted gods are very active in micromanaging their followers. They eventually loose interest as their followers become unfaithful to the original message. Just look at the Bible or the Koran." He continues, "Because of the small number of her followers, technically, Alicia is leading only a cult, not yet a religion so we may be looking at a long era of lightning and plagues of frogs before She calms down into brooding disappointment with humankind."

Despite overwhelming evidence of her divine ascension, Police are investigating Sorensen's disappearance. Investigator Harvey Pearl notes, "People don't become goddesses every night. We have to ensure no foul play was involved."

This marks the second sorority pledge radically transformed in two years. Last fall, Sarah Little sprouted wings and shrunk to two inches high after pledging a sorority. The rush theme for that tragic year centered on fantasy. She is now identifies herself as a "Pixie" and, unable to continue her studies here, spends her days in the campus Botanical garden chasing hummingbirds and playing practical jokes on the staff. Asked to comment on Sorensen, Little replied by laughing and began juggling dewdrops in her tiny hands. No word on whether Sorensen's relatives plan to file suit against the University for negligence, as Little's relatives did a mere ten months ago.

VanDerveer has a message for Sorensen, "Please Alicia, if you are listening, give up the whole goddess thing and come back to us. We miss your energy and spirit at all our sorority functions."

No word yet on what next year's sorority rush campaign slogan will be, but the early indication is that the theme will involve supermodels having elaborate weddings.

A/C Blamed for high death rate in Southwestern U.S.

Anonymous Reader writes:

Scientists at the University of Arizona at Tucscon have blamed air conditioning as the main cause of cancer in the warm desert southwest of the United States.

Researchers in the biochemistry program at the university ran a study to determine what was at the root of skyrocketing death rates in the region. "When we began the study, we were at a complete loss to explain the high death rate from cancer in the desert southwest," said Philbert Johnson, professor of microbiology. "The death rate in the region is five times per capita of that of the U.S. as a whole."

Relying on forensic investigative techniques, and sometimes a little dumb luck, the scientists forged on with their research. The entire effort lasted over five years, tracking the lives of nearly two hundred people from the Tuscon and Phoenix metro areas.

"We made very thorough inquiries into all of our subjects, keeping careful track of any variables that might skew our results," Dr. Johnson announced. The variables the study accounted for were marital status, home size, number of children, number of grandchildren, number of cars, daily calorie intake, daily salt intake, vitamin and mineral intake, and golf score.

"We could find no correllations between any of these factors and the high incidence of cancer," Johnson continued. "We were practically banging our heads against the wall of our office...when it hit us -- a cold breeze."

The scientists, chilled by their office air conditioner, checked their subjects records: 96% of them had central air cooling in their households, and all but one of the rest had a window-mounted air conditioning unit.

"We went over the numbers again and again, and it just made sense: the air conditioning was killing these people. We actually had 30 people in our study group die over the course of the study."

The scientists are urging people across the southwestern U.S. not to turn up the temperature of their air conditioning, but to turn the air conditioner off completely. "We have no evidence supporting a lower death rate correllating with a warmer A/C temperature. The very presence of an operating air conditioner appears to be the underlying factor. Please, turn off your air conditioner if you value your life!"

Director Kazan killed in Cable TV conspiracy

Anonymous Reader writes:

Director Elia Kazan was found dead in his home Sunday. If you're into classic movies, you might know some of his films: A Streetcar Named Desire, perhaps, or On the Waterfront. You may also know that he had ties to the Communist Party, and that he testified to the House Committee on Un-American Activities after World War II about the party's supporters and activities in Hollywood.

Ninety-four year-old Kazan did not die of natural causes. Kazan was murdered in his own home. The proof, you ask?

Turner Classic Movies aired a celebration of Kazan's life, showing three of his films on Sunday -- A Streetcar Named Desire, On the Waterfront, and Baby Doll.

But you say there's nothing unusual about that. Television stations often honor those actors and directors who have passed away, and left their mark in Americana.

But how did TCM know they would be celebrating Kazan's life two weeks before his death? If you picked up a TV Guide or the television section of your local paper, you might have noticed these movies scheduled. You see, TV Guide requires stations to send their schedules two weeks in advance. How could they have known when he would die, indeed.

Elia Kazan perhaps earned his fate when he turned on his own Hollywood comrades and ratted them out to the U.S. government in the midst of the red scare. But we can't merely let his death pass us by without wondering who is next on the chopping block. Check your TV Guides....

World will run out of Oxygen in 12 Years

Anonymous Reader writes:

Certain disaster looms in our future, says scientist, as we gradually deplete our atmosphere of O2.

Herman Broktendock, a professor of meteorology at the University of Mississippi, announced today at a class lecture his prediction that we will all be dead in 12 years. Student reactions varied; most felt it was an issue that we need to tackle starting right now.

"Like, Professor Broktendorf is a really smart guy," says Jason McDoogle, one of Broktendock's students. "They don't just make anyone a professor, you know. So like, if he says we're dead unless we stop using oxygen now, he's gotta be totally sure about it."

Broktendock's warning admonished auto manufacturers, who he claims are responsible for the problem.

"Car makers continue to produce cars burning fossil fuels; in fact, they produce more and more cars each year. How can they continue to do this, knowing that each car will burn several dozen tons of oxygen over its lifetime? It's reprehensible. Even President Bush's call for hydrogen-powered cars won't help. Sure, the cars will only produce water as an exhaust, but they still burn oxygen in the process."

Auto manufacturers responded to the professor's claims, telling reporters that they cannot be held responsible for the actions of automobile purchasers: "You don't go after the gun company because the gun's owner shoots someone, right? Same thing for a car: you can't go after us just because someone drives around and uses up the planet's breathable atmosphere."

Environmentalists have latched on to Professor Broktendock's research, heralding it as the evidence they need to pressure Congress to impose strict emissions laws, and require alternative fuels. Stocks of nuclear power plant manufacturers went up on the announcement, since nuclear power generation does not consume any atmospheric oxygen. Many other scientists have urged caution, and will not rush to support Broktendock's conclusions until they have been independently confirmed.