Anonymous Reader writes:
In a stunning feat not seen since Biblical times, area coed Alicia Sorensen has transcended into a goddess at the student union last night after joining a local sorority. Eyewitness accounts of the event itself are diverse. It seems Sorensen grew instantly to about 20 feet tall, shot lightning from her fingertips, and admonished her fellow students for materialism before vanishing in a plume of green smoke.
Teary eyed sorority rush chair, Michelle VanDerveer, described the transformation as "a shock" and continued: "We never meant our pledges would actually become goddesses and shoot lightning, be worshiped, or fly when we begun this season's rush, but apparently it has happened". VanDerveer and her fellow sorority sisters agreed last Spring to entitle this year's pledge drive "Become a Goddess: Go Greek".
Signs of her transformation did not go unnoticed. Last week, numerous witnesses saw Sorensen turn ants into butterflies, library books into white rabbits, and computers into a variety of bushes and shrubs. Physics professor H. G. Hartiwild, after some initial investigation, called these events "parlor tricks". Missing university computers are still unaccounted for. Rabbits still abound in the library (as do their droppings).
When asked if Sorensen behaved unusually, sorority vice chair Veronica Mendoza replied, "Alicia took the whole goddess thing way too seriously from the start. She kept reading these musty old books from the restricted section of the library and began talking about Gaia. Then odd things began to happen. First it was the all the squirrels and wild animals came up to her and ate out of her hand, and then the grass in the quad seemed to grow thicker and greener every time she walked past. Eventually her whole personality changed. She began to talk like Yoda and rambling on and on.
Religious studies professor Herbert Spooner comments, "Usually newly minted gods are very active in micromanaging their followers. They eventually loose interest as their followers become unfaithful to the original message. Just look at the Bible or the Koran." He continues, "Because of the small number of her followers, technically, Alicia is leading only a cult, not yet a religion so we may be looking at a long era of lightning and plagues of frogs before She calms down into brooding disappointment with humankind."
Despite overwhelming evidence of her divine ascension, Police are investigating Sorensen's disappearance. Investigator Harvey Pearl notes, "People don't become goddesses every night. We have to ensure no foul play was involved."
This marks the second sorority pledge radically transformed in two years. Last fall, Sarah Little sprouted wings and shrunk to two inches high after pledging a sorority. The rush theme for that tragic year centered on fantasy. She is now identifies herself as a "Pixie" and, unable to continue her studies here, spends her days in the campus Botanical garden chasing hummingbirds and playing practical jokes on the staff. Asked to comment on Sorensen, Little replied by laughing and began juggling dewdrops in her tiny hands. No word on whether Sorensen's relatives plan to file suit against the University for negligence, as Little's relatives did a mere ten months ago.
VanDerveer has a message for Sorensen, "Please Alicia, if you are listening, give up the whole goddess thing and come back to us. We miss your energy and spirit at all our sorority functions."
No word yet on what next year's sorority rush campaign slogan will be, but the early indication is that the theme will involve supermodels having elaborate weddings.
