Bush Threw First Debate to Get Bounce from Second Debate

A Republican party staffer alleges that President Bush purposefully lost the first debate so that his comeback in the second debate would result in a bounce in his poll numbers. The President and his staff vigorously deny the allegation."What would I have to gain by losing a debate on purpose?" Bush asked a crowd of supporters in Minnesota on Saturday. "Of course I didn't do that. I'll grant you, I wasn't at the top of my game for the first debate, but it was not for lack of trying, and I've learned from the first one how to do even better on the second."

The allegations come from a Republican staffer who would only speak with the press anonymously. This staffer is said to have worked closely with the President's own people in the hours before the first debate.

"I can tell you that the President's own staffers were acting awfully suspiciously that day," the staffer told reporters. "They were very careful about what they said when others were around. But when I was in the restroom in a stall, and they didn't realize I was there, two of them were arguing over whether or not it could work for the President to lose this debate to win the next."

It's a well known fact that George W Bush is not seen as a strong debater. Whitehouse staffers say that Bush is a whole different character when he can deal with people, rather than a rigid debate format. This different is what the President's staff attributes to his stellar performance on Friday.

The anonymous Republican staffer also dispelled rumors that the President was wired during the first debate. "Seriously, he did so badly that first time, who in their right mind would think that someone was talking him through the debate? Anyway, I saw him, front and back, without his jacket on before he went onstage, and there was no wire."

The latest polls still show John Kerry and George W Bush in a very tight race, but Republican leaders point to several polls that show Bush ahead as evidence that undecided voters were swayed by Bush's debate performance. The third debate is scheduled for October 13 at Arizona State University in Tempe.

What the Bush Administration DOESN'T want you to know

It's News, Dammit uncovers strong evidence to support claims that the White House has suppressed the availability of important information on the Internet.Computer forensics experts working for Byzantine Communications have uncovered a large repository of information stored on the whitehouse.gov web server that the Bush administration doesn't want people to find. Due to Freedom of Information mandates, the governmental information must be publicly accessible, but the White House's IT staff has exploited a loophole in the law, making every effort to keep the public from finding out about this information.

The technical means through which the Bush Administration is suppressing the information is use of a robots file, which restricts the ability of search engine to catalog a web page. With the robot restrictions in place, for example, Google cannot "spider" those restricted web pages.

Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry has launched a radio and television ad assault on the current administration's information repression policy. Here is one short radio ad's text:

How is it that John Ashcroft can view your library and bookstore purchase records, but you can't find supposedly public information regarding the Iraq war or the Department of Homeland Security on www.whitehouse.gov? As your president, I will share all information with you. I'm John Kerry, and I approve of this message.

The Kerry campaign has also launched a massive web blitz, urging people to link to the list of repressed websites at this address: http://www.whitehouse.gov/robots.txt. Through increased exposure, the campaign argues, Americans will learn just to what extend the Bush administration wants to hide information from the public.

White House officials argue that there is no conspiracy, no coverup of information. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan: "All of the information disallowed in the robots file is merely to conserve bandwidth by minimizing search engine traffic. Any citizen can go to whitehouse.gov and use the site map, or the site search functionality to find all of this information. It is available for public consumption, in accordance with all of the laws and regulations in place."

Members of the information technology community remain unimpressed with the web restrictions, as well as the reaction to it. "A robots.txt file cannot suppress information, and cannot be enforced by any technology. It's an 'on your honor' system. A rogue search engine could ignore the robots restrictions, cataloging each and every link on a website," says Martijn Koster, a respected expert on web search technology.

"Also, the Kerry campaign has greatly overblown this issue. Take a look at the whitehouse.gov robots.txt file. It's mostly just info of some historical or press-release nature. Does Google really need to give a high page rank to the 2004 state easter eggs, or tee ball pictures from 2003? If you think there's some hidden agenda going on, go search the robots.txt file yourself."

Dark Horse candidate will replace Kerry at the Eleventh Hour

Anonymous but reliable sources have indicated that John Kerry will indeed be nominated by the Democratic Convention's nomination process, but that he will "mysteriously disappear" just weeks before the election, at which time the party will put forward a new candidate, with any votes for Kerry on the ballot going to the new candidate. The Bush campaign will be unable to adequately respond to this new candidate, says the source, causing him to lose the election.Though John Kerry's name will appear on the ballot, he will be "completely unable to assume the position of the Presidency of the United States," says the anonymous source, who claims to be a high-ranking Democrat. The source had nothing to say when asked if this meant that Kerry would die, possibly with "mysterious circumstances."

Kerry's replacement will not have to be a write-in candidate, but will instead be able to himself collect all the votes that have been cast for Kerry. The precedent for this was set by the election of the wife of the deceased Missouri governor to the US Senate. Though Mel Carnahan's name was on the ballot, his wife was given the Senate seat to which he was elected.

Democratic leaders refuse to comment on the allegations, calling them ludicrous. Senate Republicans have opened an official inquiry into the matter, looking to ensure there are no loopholes that would allow one presidential candidate to be elected when voters place their votes for a different deceased candidate. Republicans believe such an event would be a "travesty to our great republic" and in fact is not a constitutionally legal event, which they would fight all the way to the highest court in the land.

Kerry Reveals Moon is a Governmental Conspiracy

Kerry expands on his "We need to go to the moon right here on Earth" speech, as a call to Americans to "wake up and realize that NASA never went to the moon; it was all staged at an old U.S. army base. In fact, the moon itself is nothing more than a helium-filled dirigible that circles the globe at an altitude of 3 miles."To support his claims that the moon landings, and indeed the moon itself are merely government hoaxes, Kerry pointed out numerous Internet web sites that go into the evidence and specifics regarding the moon hoax.

NASA scientists and astronauts are up in arms in reaction to Kerry's suggestions that the United States has never placed a man on the moon. Even Russian cosmonauts and Chinese taikonaut Col. Yang Liwei firmly agree that NASA did place men on the moon several times, and that the evidence strongly supports this. "Baseless accusations from an American Democrat cannot overshadow the fact that America was first to place men on the moon," Liwei stated. "Soon China will reach the moon itself, with it's flag planted proudly on the satellite's surface."

Kerry, seemingly unfazed by the mountains of evidence suggesting he's wrong, continued with his accusations on the campaign trail Tuesday. "The moon on Earth must be the goal for this generation," Kerry preached at a stop in northern Georgia. Kerry would not speak with reporters, telling them to review his campaign literature for more details.