"That was the lame-ass-est speech I've ever heard, " says Johnathan Walker. "John Kerry sounded more desperate than my older brother is to get a date. My kid brother has better comebacks than John Kerry too."
The Kerry camp promises that "this is the last time we let John write his own speeches.""I mean, when you start off your speech practically endorsing your opponent, you lose," says Walker, referring to Kerry's opening "The election comes down to this. If you believe this country is heading in the right direction, you should support George Bush."
"And that's just the beginning."
"Like, he mentions going to Vietnam like it makes up for all his other deficiencies. And then he mentions it some more for good measure. Give it up dude, the Vietnam war is over."
"And he just sounded pissed off that Bush and Cheney and that Zell guy didn't think he had the right stuff to lead the military. He sounded way too pissy to be president, as far as I'm concerned."
"He keeps claiming 'We need to take America in a new direction. And we have a specific plan to do just that.' but when's the last time you heard any specifics?"
"Probably the worst is when he saluted and said 'I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty.' I bet he does that before he hops into the bed at night. Sick."
Jonathan and the aforementioned kid brother James agree that "Kerry sucks ass." Polls among their friends show his ass-suckage rating at an all time high.
Johnathan is currently nursing a large bruise on his upper arm, delivered by his older brother Ralph as a result of the desperation comment. "He deserved it," says Ralph, adding, "He'll get better."
