Sunday, April 25, 2004

Bush plan to ''Mass Hypnotize'' Iraq bound to fail, say experts

Democracy-by-hypnosis is no basis for a system of government, claim group of political scientists.

Dayton, Ohio - While George W Bush has told Americans that "Iraqis will learn to love democracy while they sleep," a group of concerned poli sci professors at the University of Dayton are warning the country that Bush's plan is fraught with inconsistencies and just plain won't work."Democracy 'While You Sleep' will not work any better than 'Lose Weight While You Sleep' or 'Learn to Program in COBOL While You Sleep'," says Herbert Van Rooften, a tenured political scientist professor at the University of Dayton. "There is little empirical evidence that any 'While You Sleep' hypnosis audio tapes actually work, much less hypnosis tapes that purport to share the ideal form of government."

The President insists that Democracy-by-hypnosis is the best bet for Iraqis. "It has become clear that overt military actions alone will not pacify Iraqi insurgents. Indeed, their resolve only seems to strengthen as we approach the June 30th turnover date. We need a breakthrough in Iraq, and mass hypnosis only makes sense."

The logistics of supplying unwilling Iraqi citizens with audio cassette tapes and players to listen to while they sleep are overwhelming. Because of this, democracy-by-hypnosis tapes will only be provided to strategic cities by coalition troops, with remaining Iraqi citizens to be softly lulled to sleep by democracy-by-hypnosis loudspeakers.

Talk radio host Sean Hannity strongly approves of the President's plan. Al Gorezeera host Al Franken has accused Hannity of "drinking the Republican Kool-aid."

Sources within the White House say that the army is brewing up large batches of Republican Kool-aid, "in case the Democracy While You Sleep" hypnosis strategy fails.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Dark Horse candidate will replace Kerry at the Eleventh Hour

Anonymous but reliable sources have indicated that John Kerry will indeed be nominated by the Democratic Convention's nomination process, but that he will "mysteriously disappear" just weeks before the election, at which time the party will put forward a new candidate, with any votes for Kerry on the ballot going to the new candidate. The Bush campaign will be unable to adequately respond to this new candidate, says the source, causing him to lose the election.Though John Kerry's name will appear on the ballot, he will be "completely unable to assume the position of the Presidency of the United States," says the anonymous source, who claims to be a high-ranking Democrat. The source had nothing to say when asked if this meant that Kerry would die, possibly with "mysterious circumstances."

Kerry's replacement will not have to be a write-in candidate, but will instead be able to himself collect all the votes that have been cast for Kerry. The precedent for this was set by the election of the wife of the deceased Missouri governor to the US Senate. Though Mel Carnahan's name was on the ballot, his wife was given the Senate seat to which he was elected.

Democratic leaders refuse to comment on the allegations, calling them ludicrous. Senate Republicans have opened an official inquiry into the matter, looking to ensure there are no loopholes that would allow one presidential candidate to be elected when voters place their votes for a different deceased candidate. Republicans believe such an event would be a "travesty to our great republic" and in fact is not a constitutionally legal event, which they would fight all the way to the highest court in the land.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Kerry Reveals Moon is a Governmental Conspiracy

Kerry expands on his "We need to go to the moon right here on Earth" speech, as a call to Americans to "wake up and realize that NASA never went to the moon; it was all staged at an old U.S. army base. In fact, the moon itself is nothing more than a helium-filled dirigible that circles the globe at an altitude of 3 miles."To support his claims that the moon landings, and indeed the moon itself are merely government hoaxes, Kerry pointed out numerous Internet web sites that go into the evidence and specifics regarding the moon hoax.

NASA scientists and astronauts are up in arms in reaction to Kerry's suggestions that the United States has never placed a man on the moon. Even Russian cosmonauts and Chinese taikonaut Col. Yang Liwei firmly agree that NASA did place men on the moon several times, and that the evidence strongly supports this. "Baseless accusations from an American Democrat cannot overshadow the fact that America was first to place men on the moon," Liwei stated. "Soon China will reach the moon itself, with it's flag planted proudly on the satellite's surface."

Kerry, seemingly unfazed by the mountains of evidence suggesting he's wrong, continued with his accusations on the campaign trail Tuesday. "The moon on Earth must be the goal for this generation," Kerry preached at a stop in northern Georgia. Kerry would not speak with reporters, telling them to review his campaign literature for more details.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Minions of Satan are spreading via the Internet

Rare breed of demon is spreading rapidly through the World Wide Web. Some dismiss it as yet another computer virus, while some spiritual leaders have denounced the Internet as the playground of the Great Evil, and have admonished their followers to unplug from the 'Net.Known as a "text/devil," it is widely regarded as one of the minor demons in Satan's army. One religious expert had this to say:

Text/devils maintain their dominion over pages and documents that have fallen into evil ways. Before the age of the Internet, text/devils were largely restricted to underground newsletters and other printed documents, but were unable to gain a larger domain.


With the advent of the Internet, text/devils are now able to roam freely from website to website, infecting the servers and computers of Web surfers at an astonishing rate. Once a minor demon and a small problem for mankind, the text/devil may yet prove to be a formidable enemy of the powers of goodness on the Internet in our age.

People who browse the Web using Microsoft's Internet Explorer are likely to receive no warnings that their computer is downloading, and subsequently infected by, a text/devil. Users of Mozilla-based web browsers will receive a dialog box (see below) prompting them whether or not to download a text/devil infected file. These users are urged to cancel the download, not only to protect their own computers but to slow the rate of spread of these minor demons.




There is currently no anti-virus program that can clean up a text/devil infection, and neither McAfee nor Symantec could be reached for further comment. Microsoft has not issued any critical updates that could patch the Internet Explorer program to prevent transmission of the text/devils, and has no such patch in the works, according to a Microsoft spokeswoman.

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

Condoleezza Rice Refutes Clarke Argument that She'd Never Heard of Al Qaeda

Rice: "I knew plenty about Al Qaeda when Richard Clark first brought up the topic with me in 2000. The problem was that he didn't have a clue how to pronounce it, so I didn't understand him right away."Condoleezza Rice has gone on the offensive to clear up some misunderstandings the evening before she is due to testify to the 9/11 Commission. Her claim is that she had known about Al Qaeda even before her 2000 meeting with Richard Clark, while he couldn't even pronounce the name of Osama bin Laden's terrorist organization correctly.

"What Richard Clark failed to remember when he was writing his book, is that after he mentioned Al Qaeda to me, I paused a couple seconds, then asked him 'Do you mean Al Qaeda?' enunciating and pronouncing it correctly. Clarke had pronounced it like 'el kweeday'."

In his book, Richard Clark only said that "As I briefed Rice on Al Qaeda, her facial expression gave me the impression that she had never heard of the term before."

The Bush administration's approval rating has, according to some polls, suffered somewhat because of the controversy stirred up by Clarke's book. Many political scientists feel, however, that the administration is more than capable of handling the issue carefully and will quickly regain any lost percentage points.

Friday, April 2, 2004

Liberal radio network announces naming, scheduling changes

Recently launched nationwide talk radio network will change name from Air America Radio to Al Gorzeera.

"We received generous donations from Al Gore, so we thought we'd give him some credit through a new name," Al Franken told his audience. "Also, we thought we could capitalize on the notoriety of the Middle East news network Al Jazeera, since [the name Air America Radio] didn't really capture what we're all about anyway."The following is the new weekday lineup for the fledgling radio network:

  • 6-9am - How We can win with the Politics of Hate
  • 9am-12pm - We Hate George W Bush
  • 12-1pm - We Hate all the other Republicans
  • 1-3pm - We're better than Rush and Hannity -- Neener Neener Neener!
  • 3-6pm - Al Franken Trashes Republicans
  • 6-9pm - We Tell You What to Think so You Don't Have To®

The name change comes much to the chagrin of the Arabic-language Al Jazeera news network. "While it's certainly flattering that the Al Gore sponsored talk radio group has chosen to copy our name, we will sue them in a US Federal court for trademark infringement."

Thursday, April 1, 2004

Kerry Campaign in Bed with Liberal Media

John Kerry in Bed with Liberal Media...Literally. Exclusive photograph of John Kerry engaged in bedroom shenanigans with several well known news anchors. (back row: John Kerry, Dan Rather. front row: Ted Koppel, Barbara Walters).Curiously, neither ABC News (employer of Walters, Koppel) or CBS News (employer of Dan Rather) ran stories on the evening news about the incident. NBC and Fox headlined their evening newscasts with the story.

John Kerry was adamant in his response. "I did not have sex with that woman," Kerry said, and refused to answer further questions, leaving reporters wondering just what happened with the two male news anchors and the aging Walters.

Democrats insist that anything that happened in that bedroom should have no currency in voter's determination of whether or not to vote for Kerry. "If anything at all happened in that bedroom," one prominent Democratic leader announced, "it was a consensual act between the four people in that room, and in no way represents any illegal activities in most jurisdictions."

Republicans were surprised -- surprised such a photo hadn't surfaced far earlier than now. Polls show that most Americans already feel that the media has a liberal bias, and has been sleeping with the Democrats, at least figuratively. Now we know it's a much more intimate relationship than that.