Linux on X-Box team threatens Microsoft with Ultimatum

An anonymous hacker group has threatened to set hundreds of Undead against Microsoft if the Redmond, WA company does not release an official Linux boot loader for the X-Box. Unless Microsoft complies with the request within ten days, says the group, the company will face annihilation as its employees are devoured alive by the living dead.

The Australian hackers have already threatened to release their own Linux bootloader for the X-Box. Such a program would allow people to turn their X-boxen into cheap, full-fledged Linux PCs with the addition of a USB keyboard and mouse.

Microsoft has already filed a lawsuit against the group, claiming that the original boot loader threat amounts to corporate blackmail. An attorney for the company added that threats of bodily harm against the company and its employees will only add to the penalties the group will have to pay.

The Australian hacker group refuses to acknowledge questions about how it came into possession of the hundreds of undead it claims to control. US Military officials have vigorously stated that all of their undead soldiers are accounted for, and this has been confirmed by independent investigators. Russian officials had no comment about the whereabouts of all of its undead soldiers, which are rumored to number in the thousands.

World to End at Strike of Midnight

A Swedish monk has predicted today that the end is near. Very near. UPDATE - 8:30 am, PDT - The entire staff of It's News, Dammit! is pleased to announce that the world did in fact not end at midnight. We will therefore be able to continue our tradition of bringing you the news you need to know!

As the clock strikes midnight over a part of the Pacific Ocean, says Gunnar Lövdén, the world will come to an unspectacular, unclimactic end.

Lövdén, well respected in his country for his holy works, offered little in the way of details, only stating that he has never been more sure of anything in his life.

As this reporter prepares for the coming end, he can only help but wonder: how will it happen? And why at midnight in the middle of the ocean?

Farewell, faithful readers. It's time to meet your maker(s).

Harry Potter / Lord of the Rings Crossover Announced

As her latest book flies off the shelves at bookstores around the world, JK Rowling stunned Harry Potter fans by announcing that she will collaborate with Christopher Tolkien to write a new crossover story.

Rowling denied that she is merely trying to cash in on the Lord of the Rings in an attempt to boost her own sales. Rather, the two stories share certain synergies, she says, which can offer the reader a fantastic voyage.

Christopher Tolkien, son of author JRR Tolkien, shared some details on how the Lord of the Rings characters will tie-in to the Harry Potter story:

"As Hogwarts falls victim to another evil attack perpetrated by Voldeorte, Dumbledore turns to his oldest friend, Gandalf the White, for advice. It turns out that though the One Ring was destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom, the power of Sauron was not destroyed, but merely weakened, and he lay dormant for ten thousand years, until Voldemort's growing power awakened Sauron's own desire for power.

Frodo Baggins will play a prominent role, alongside Harry. Both are actually fighting for the same reasons, but they don't get along until they realize it."

When asked whether Gollum, Aragorn, or any other LotR characters would make an appearance in the story, Tolkien merely shrugged his shoulders. "I can't give away all the details."

Rumors first started circulating six months ago, when trade magazine Silver Screen Artistry published unverified reports that Rowling was speaking with other authors, seeking bold new ways to expand her Harry Potter series. The report was light on details, and the page 35 story caught little attention.

Notes scribbled on a napkin, found by a barkeep at an Edinburg pub, appear to be written by Tolkien as he and Rowling planned their new story. The napkin is currently being auctioned on eBay; at the time this story was published, the highest bid stood at $17,452.

Government Staffs Patent Office with Undead

Results exceed projected budget savings

Washington, DC - An executive order signed by President Bush on June 5 authorized the use of undead soldiers to supplement staffing at the U.S. Patent and Trademark office. According to Gerald Smith, an accounting technician overseeing USPTO payroll, this order provided for 50 undead to sort the increasing number of patent applications that the office receives.

"The obvious benefit of undead laborers within government is that they work unpaid, and that is what we based our budget forecasts on," Smith said. "What we hadn't anticipated was how efficiently the undead work. And because they ate most of their living supevisors and coworkers, we've been able to cut our payroll budget in half."

These undead workers have been able to effectively eliminate the backlog of applications, literally piled into bins on the loading docks of the Patent Office. Intellectual property experts herald this as a remarkable achievement, which should pave the way for better quality patent investigation at the office.

"The Patent Office has had to deal with a very negative public perception lately, what with issuing patents for Swinging Sideways on a Swing (patent #6,368,227) or Amusing Your Cat with a Laser Pointer (patent #5,443,036)," says Richard Oberwelt, a lawyer for the Popular Patents Association. "With the application backlog cleaned up, the [zombie] patent clerks will be able to more thoroughly examine the claims that the applications make, and perform a more thorough search for prior art which could invalidate the patents."

ACLU lawyers today filed a class action suit against the U.S. goverment on behalf of the undead workers, alleging that government's refusal to pay the workers fair wages, only allowing them to feast on the brains and vital organs of illegal immigrants and death row prisoners amounts to slavery.

Justice Department officials dismiss the ACLU suit as rubbish, while White House officials praised the undead for their remarkable work at the Patent Office, and remained open to the possibility of filling other goverment agencies with zombie workers.

Government Energy test goes horribly wrong

Are we safe or did we merely bury our doom?

Outside Area 51, Nevada – Government experiments in the field of alien technology took a severe toll as a large portion of the secret Area 51 base had to be evacuated and then destroyed. Government scientists were working on duplicating the energy source the aliens use for their interstellar travel, when suddenly something went terribly wrong. The engine somehow caused a tear in the very fabric or reality and something came through. Confronted by something they could not understand nor contain the government scientists called in the military, but all they could do was hold it at bay while they evacuated the area and detonated the self-destruct unit, hopefully burying their mistakes in the Nevada desert.

“The creature was massive…it was well over eight feet in height, possibly as tall as ten feet,” said one scientist who had been fired due to this dreadful failure. “It was roughly man shaped, but it wasn’t really substantial…it was like a dark cloud…black, but you could see through it you know? It had horns, but they were just as insubstantial as the rest of him…if you can rightly call it a him. The only thing that wasn’t like a black swirling man-shaped cloud were his eyes…they were red…deep red, the looked almost like molten rock or steel. We were lucky the room was stainless steel it kept him contained a bit…he doesn’t like the touch of metal you see.”

At this point “The Darkman” as the scientists on hand have dubbed him began to advance on the nearest scientist to him, and then merely touched him.

“He just started screaming…it ate his very life force, and his soul. He just kind of withered away into nothing. It was hard just watching it. We pulled the alarm at that point and got the hell out of there.”

The military was unsure how to proceed in battling the Darkman. After a few soldiers were killed they discovered they could force him to retreat if they just continually shot him. The Darkman withdrew in the face of the onslaught of hot lead, as he apparently hates the touch of metal. Army forces soon discovered that they had no way to kill the creature. The steel and lead discomforted the Darkman, but did not really injure it. That is when the President was forced to authorize the self-destruction of a section of the base.

“The President was not to pleased with this situation to say the least. None of his top scientists could give him an answer if this would kill the creature and seal the tear,” said a Senior White House Aid. “The President wanted to send in some of our Undead to hold it at bay, can’t kill what’s dead, while we came up with a better plan, but his scientists advised against it saying it was unlikely they would be able to come up with a better solution.”

Members of the scientific community have a wide ranging opinions on the subject of whether the rift is sealed and the beast destroyed.

“I think we’ve seen the last of this thing…with nothing to feed on down there it will slowly waste away into nothingness,” said a scientist from Purdue University.

“We have no idea what this creature is capable of, nor do we really know what caused the rift…for all we know we may have sealed our own doom,” said another from Iowa State University.

Rebuilding of the destroyed section of the Area 51 base began today as crews attempted to restore the base to some semblance of order so the reverse engineering of alien technology could continue as soon as possible.

Nostradamus Predicts Triumph of X-Box, Microsoft

Barcelona, Spain - Recent studies of the writings of Nostradamus, the world's most infamous prophet, predict that through Microsoft's X-Box, the latest entrant into the home console gaming and entertainment market, Bill Gates will come to dominate the world.

The 16th Century prophet wrote nearly one thousand quatrains, small four line poems, in groups of 100, called Centuries. It is in Century 5, quatrain 75, that the prophet predicts the rise of Microsoft, and in particular, its leader, William Gates III.

Experts have determined that this set of verses refers to Bill Gate's ascension to power through the widespread adoption of the X-box gaming console, and the online X-box Live component.

A detailed analysis of the quatrain has been provided by Johanna Esperita, one of the researchers who has extensively studied Nostadamus' quatrains for a glimpse of future events. Translated from the original French:

He will rise high over the estate more to the right,

The estate "more to the right" clearly refers to Sony, the current market leader in the console gaming market with it's Playstation 2. At an unspecified date in the future, Microsoft's sales of the X-box will surpass those of the Playstation 2.

He will remain seated on the square stone,

The "square stone" is the X-box, the seat of Bill Gate's coming ascension to power.

Towards the south facing to his left,

Sitting on his throne in Redmond, Bill Gates will find the Justice Department of the United States Government, to the south and toward his left in Washington, D.C., powerless to stop his technological advances.

The crooked staff in his hand, his mouth sealed.

Experts have not been able to fully understand this line, although many believe the "crooked staff" to be the Internet, the backbone of which is shaped like a crooked staff, linking all of the cities in the United States under Gates' control.

"I do acknowledge that many prophecies of Nostradamus did not seem to come true," Esperita said at a conference in nearby Pamplona. "In fact, we believe it was not that the prophecies were false, but that the interpretations were incorrect. Many of the quatrains have been misinterpreted in the past, giving people the impression that Nostradamus was a fool, when it was really a foolish mistake of the translators."

Quatrain 75 of Century 5 does not specify the date of Microsoft's rise to power, but past events indicate that it will not be far off.

United States Military uses Undead in Iraqi War

Najaf, Iraq – The first reports of horrified Iraq Republican Guard units were first discounted as the ravings of the shell shocked, but now firmly documented reports confirm the use of some sort of undead troops by the United States. As the United States push towards Baghdad slowed it is now apparent that the Government authorized a desperate gamble, confirmed reports say that suddenly United States troops seemed to pull out of their positions and then the Iraqis were forced to confront true horror.

“The American artillery was still pounding away at our armored divisions and hard targets,” said one former Republican Guard Colonel. “We saw large groups of what appeared to be American soldiers advancing on our positions, and we opened fire. They wouldn’t die…it was horrible. We would blow them to pieces, but the pieces would merely reassemble and continue the advance. They were invincible. The began to rip my men apart and eat them...it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. We had no choice, but to withdraw."

Many have speculated why the Iraq armor units moved out making them easy targets, most thought it was merely stupidity of the Iraqi commanders or perhaps an underestimation of American air power, but Iraqi commanders tell a different tale. They had to move out or be destroyed by legions of the living dead that devoured the flesh of the living. Somehow the government was able to control these ghouls enough that they only devoured those of the Iraqi military and did not attack the normal populace of this Arab nation.

“The stink of rot was strong in the air,” said Mohammad Akubar, a local Islamic Cleric. “There appeared to be thousands of men, if you can call them men rightly, in American uniform. They stumbled about, but no matter what was done to them they did not stop advancing. I saw one up close myself, his stink was unbearable…his face was damaged beyond repair and flesh seemed to hang from his bones. He looked at me and it sent a chill to my very core…but thank Allah I was not his target and he continued towards the Iraqi lines.”

Once the Republican Guard units had retreated and been blow apart by the US Air Force the unliving were recalled and not seen again in the fighting.

“If anything proves that the American’s are the Great Satan more than this…I know not what it is,” said Akubar. “This is truly an abomination in the eyes of all religions.”

The Pentagon refused to comment on the possible existence of legions of the undead under US Military control, sighting National Security concerns. A Highly placed source in the Pentagon revealed that the Undead had also been used in Afghanistan in the cave fighting against the Taliban.

“President Bush himself authorized the use of these…things. It’s new technology, but it worked well which means will probably see them again and again…someday perhaps even openly.”

NASA Denies Joint Human-Alien Collaboration

Ft. Worth, TX - Top-level officials for the National Aeronatic and Space Administration today vigorously denied any cooperative work with extraterrestrials, despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

In a press conference Friday at 1200 CDT, NASA leaders announced that any claims that the government agency is involved in any joint efforts with alien life forms.

"The mere suggestion of this is ludicrous," Bill Adelanto decried. "The nearest solar system is billions of miles away, and would take hundreds of years to travel the distance. We have not even come up with a theoretical means of travelling fast enough to travel so far, and besides, we do not even believe that these nearest solar systems to be capable [of supporting alien life]."

The officials at the press conference read from prepared speeches, and refused to answer any questions. However, Byzantine Communications reporters were able to obtain off-the-record quotes from aides to these officials.

"I am 100% certain that there is no alien collaboration occuring within the NASA program," one aide spoke anonymously. "But I cannot make the same declaration about other agencies with which NASA does frequently compare 'research.'"

NASA officials refused to discuss any information related to such "research."

Possible Product of Soviet Experiments Eyes NBA Draft in 2004

Petropavlovsk, Russia - Many people in this port city are wondering what the future holds for native son, Ivan Ivanolov. This would not be unusual except for the fact that Ivanolov is eight foot ten inches in height, three hundred fifty-nine pounds and only sixteen years eleven months of age. While those dimensions are staggering they do nothing to excite NBA scouts as much as his sheer athleticism. The only problem with Ivan? His mysterious past.

Ivan was born on June 24th, 1986 that much is known. However all other records including the names and identities of his parents as well as their location were sealed by the Soviet Union and have not been declassified by the new Russian Republic. A seemingly friendly scientist, Petrov Ivanolov, who formerly worked on secret projects for the Soviet Union during the 70's and 80's at the Petropavlovsk Labs of the Workers and Laborers of the Soviet Union, raised Ivan and his adopted father claimed to know nothing about his origins. Petrov died of severe cancer December 9th of 2002 taking any secrets he was still holding to the grave with him. With his adopted fathers past well known and it also being well known that his specialty was in genetic manipulation it has widely been thought that Ivan was created at the labs by Dr. Ivanolov and other scientists.

"He was always big for his age, he was four and half feet tall at three years of age. This would alarm most parents, but all Dr. Ivanolov did was praise him and make him follow an intensive workout regime. If anything he seemed disappointed when Ivan didn't reach eight feet in height by the sixth grade," said a neighbor who agreed speak to Byzantine News. "Petrov always seemed to think everyone around him was spies for the United States as well...he was very strange to say the least."

"If Ivan Ivanolov isn't the product of some Soviet experiment to create the perfect soldier I'll be shocked," said another neighbor.

Ivan began playing the game of basketball as part of his radical workout regime designed by Dr. Ivanolov. Some have felt that he should have been playing on the national team since he hit seven feet of height back in 6th grade. Ivan who was dubbed "Big Red" by his teammates has improved by leaps and bounds combining size, strength and bulk with the off the charts athleticism of NBA stars like Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Tracy McGrady.

"When I heard of him I thought it was a big joke, like the Tahiti Mermaid or something like that, but this kid is as real as it gets," said one NBA Scout. "He will dominate the game of basketball like no other. He'll be more dominant than Wilt [Chamberlain], win more titles than Bill [Russell], and will have more fans than Michael [Jordan]. Book it right now this kid is a star."

Another thing that has wowed scouts is his amazing ability to overcome injuries and to heal at amazing rates. In a recent game Ivan fell breaking his leg in two places, one a compound fracture. He was brought to the back on a stretcher, but returned to the game in the second half with not a single scratch, nor any sign at all of the gruesome injury.

"I'd trade anything for a chance at this kid," said one Eastern Conference General Manager. "The kid isn't just big and athletic, but because he's big for so long and he's been playing for so long he has the skills around the hoop of a veteran."

Ivan reportedly has not ruled out entering the NBA Draft as soon as next year as he will be eligible through a loophole created by Dark Milicic this past season due to the fact that he will be eighteen on draft night. Ivan has also not ruled out coming over to the United States and playing one year of college ball. The big man reportedly has been contacted and offered scholarships by Kansas, North Carolina, Duke, UCLA, and Marquette.

"If I play college ball it will most likely be at UCLA or Marquette," said Ivan. "Both coaches were very nice to me. Nicer than anyone I have ever known."

Most NBA scouts believe he is merely toying with the idea of going to college as a possible way to gain leverage over whatever NBA team selects him.

Ass Speaks! (Talking Donkey is Talk of the Town)

Move over Mr Ed...Nuclear waste is blamed for the animal's amazing intellegence and language skills.

Akron, OH - Herbert Bauer received the shock of his life when his twelve year old donkey first spoke to him last Thursday.

Herbert, who has had numerous donkeys on his farm over the years, always knew there was something special about Jack, but he never would have imagined that this donkey would become the focus of worldwide scientific inquiry and scrutiny.

Jack has actually self-diagnosed his remarkable abilities. "It's quite simple, really," Jack says. "At an early age, I was exposed to low level radiation from nuclear waste that was impoperly stored. Over time, the latent radiation that remained in my body and caused the hyper development of my intelligence and speech abilities."

Veterinary experts and nuclear physicists have worked together to corroborate the story that Jack tells. Vet records do in fact indicate that Jack spent two years starting in 1994 at a farm next to a known nuclear waste storage facility. That location is now undergoing remediation treatment under the Federal government's Superfund cleanup program.

Sadly, Jack feels that his superintelligence has negatively impacted his quality of life. Though he can now let his owner know of his needs and wants, he is questioning his career as a stud. "I dont feel that the females I mate with really understand me, or even want to get to know me." Jack is now seeing a therapist twice a week, and owner Herbert believes that Jack will come to enjoy life again soon.

Woman Gives Birth to Cat-Human Mutant

Carcinogens in every-day food products blamed

Albany, New York - A woman at an undisclosed area hospital has given birth to a cat-human mutant, doctors say.

While many on-staff doctors were unable or unwilling to provide a medical explanation for this bizarre birth, other doctors were convinced that carcinogens, Cancer-causing chemicals, are to blame.

"It is clear to me," one doctor said, on the condition of anonymnity, "that the cancer-causing agents found in everyday food items is the root of this curious occurrence."

Which foods are to blame? Our anonymous physician tells us there is no-one food item that could have caused this. "All mammals share nearly seventy pecent of the same DNA sequences. The cumulative effect of all of the minute amounts of mutagenic carcinogens, in theory, could have caused a re-sequencing of those genes that make us uniquely human."

The cat-child's Mother was unavailable for comment, and hospital officials refused to release the birth certificate. Animal rights supporters expect this birth to significantly boost their cause. "Now there can be no arguments that animals dont deserve the same rights and treatment as you and I."