Seeking to stamp out Internet rumors of a draft should he be reelected, President Bush announced today that we will never need to have a draft again, and he's introduced a Constitutional amendment bill to ensure it."The United States of America will not draft the living into its military under my watch, and if I have my way, never again," Bush announced in Iowa on the campaign trail. Bush unveiled a constitutional amendment proposal to forbid the federal government from being able to draft people unwillingly into the military. The catch -- the U.S. Constitution would grant the President unlimited access to vast reserves of zombie soldiers for use in times of war.
Vice President Cheney echoed Bush's rhetoric. "We pride our nation on having the best, the brightest army on Earth, composed entirely of volunteers willing to serve their country. We don't want to force people to serve their country: America is based on freedom, not force. But we will acknowledge that there may be times when our military needs require more than our volunteer army is able to provide. That's where this constitutional amendment will come into play."
The amendment will make it illegal for the U.S. government to draft any living person into the military. Zombies are specifically excluded from the draft prohibitions.
Analysts on Fox News applauded the President's proposal. "This will give America overwhelming military strength in times of need," Shawn Hannity told viewers of Hannity and Colmes. "We can hope that we will never again need to use undead zombie soldiers to defend our country, but the President of the United States must have the ability to call them into service as a last resort."
Democrats dismiss the constitutional amendment as a diversion from the real issues. John Edwards, vice presidential candidate in the Kerry campaign, told ralliers, "The Constitution has only been amended a handful of times over the years. The chances of this controversial amendment being accepted are slim at best. The President is very likely to call for a draft if he doesn't get this amendment, and you can bet that if he does get it, he will use his vast zombie army to enforce the Patriot Act and terrorize our nation's own citizens. So vote for me and John Kerry!"
Instant surveys indicate that 60% of Americans would be comfortable with the new amendment, because zombie soldiers cannot be killed, which has the potential to allow the US to engage in a casualty-free war on terrorism.
