Failed US Presidential Candidate John F. Kerry has completed his campaign to become president of the Oompa Loompa Labor Union successfully, with overwhelming support from the Oompa Loompa workers.
Elected to the post of President by a majority of eligible voters, Kerry will tackle the difficult issues that the Oompa Loompas face.
From Kerry's acceptance speech: "My fellow Oompas were brought here from Loompa Land by Willy Wonka, under the pretense that he would take them to a place where they would be free from the dangers of Vermicious Knids, Swangdoodles and Horn Swagglers. But instead of freedom, the Oompas were forced to work in Wonka's chocolate factories. I will fight to get all of the rights that my fellow Oompas deserve."
Kerry went on to promise to take Wonka to task on shorter workdays, higher hazard pay, and full 2 day weekends. Kerry also plans to fight for an end to all self-guided and other tours of the factory. Kerry: "No Oompa Loompa should have to deal with unruly children in the workplace."
Wonka representatives could not be reached for comment. An Oompa Loompa who works for Wonka's accounting division was optimistic about the future of the labor organization with Kerry at the helm: "As best I can tell, Kerry is a pretty smart man. He seems to understand the issues we Oompas face on a day to day basis. Wonka is a hard man to deal with, but Kerry will work hard to break through his barriers and get us what we deserve."
