Weekly World News losing Key Zombie Demographic

Undead respond to allegations of terrorist ties

The undead population has called for a boycott of the Weekly World News
and the resignation of the executive management of the newspaper following publication of their August 7th issue featuring the article "Homeland Security Chief Warns Bush...Terrorists Recruiting Zombie Army to Invade US."

"Zombies are not terrorists," declared Ed Johnson, spokesman for the Zombies United For America campaign. "This story from [WWN] is nothing but blatant lies and the zombie community will not stand by as such horrible allegations are made."

Undead readership, which once made up a healthy percentage of the yearly subscribers to the newspaper, has dwindled to just 5% of the total readers, according to sources within Weekly World News, and continues to fall as the boycott enters its third week. ZUFA reps report that undead have largely turned to alternative news sources such as Byzantine Communications' own It's News, Dammit! publication.

ZUFA spokesman Johnson saysthat the group has not ruled out filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of subscribers, and is definitely pursuing a federal case of discrimination. "Zombies are not second-class citizens. Weekly World News could not have made such allegations against any other race or group without an enormous backlash, and this case is no different."

How to Cope with Lost Endorsements?

Dear Byzantine News Financial Experts,



Due to an upcoming felony sexual assault trial, several of the companies who have given me endorsement deals have pulled out of their contracts with me, or are considering it. This has left me in a very difficult situation, as I will now have to support my wife and daughter entirely on my more than ten million dollar NBA contract. How would you suggest I make ends meet?



Short on Cash B-ball Player
Dear Short on Cash,

We understand the hardships that a financial situation such as yours can cause, and we know that if you follow our advice, you will be able to make it through these rough times. We are not saying it will be easy, but we will help you to make the most of the dollars you have.

The first step you need to take is to examine your monthly budget. You can't expect to save money if you don't know exactly how you're spending it. You will need to sit down with your credit card statements, loan bills, and utility bills to see where your money is going. We've put together a sample for you below:

    Mortgage $25,000

   Auto Loans $11,200

   Electricity $ 1,250

   Internet Access $ 50

   Wild Parties $15,000

   Gasoline $ 2,500

   Dining Out $ 5,000

   Clothing $10,000

   Shoes $ 500

   Groceries $ 1,000

   Security System $ 400

   Sharpie Markers $ 50

   Whores for buddies $ 9,500

Figuring out your current budget is half the battle. Once you've identified where your money is going, now you can figure out where to cut to stay within your salary. First you need to identify what expenses are fixed (like your mortgage, or auto loan payments). Then for the rest of your expenses, you can decide whether you can cut them down, or eliminate them outright. For instance, you could very easily cut fifty dollars from your electric budget if you switch to energy-efficient fluorescent light bulbs in your homes. And if you set your friends up with some skanky sluts instead of expensive call girls, you could completely eliminate any prostitute-related expenses from your budget. That's a savings of nearly ten thousand dollars!

So just by taking these simple steps, we're confident that you can weather this difficult time in your career, and come out stronger, because you know now how to best spend your money. Good luck!

PETA publishes list of animals ''it's OK to eat''

In a radical departure from their fanatical support of animal rights and traditional pro-vegetarian/vegan diets, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have today published a list on their web site, www.peta.org, of animals that it's ok to eat.

PETA spokeswoman Rita Oppenstein explains: "We understand that our extreme views are hard for some people to swallow. Combined with our radical tactics for reducing unnecessary harm to animals, we've actually started to lose touch with mainstream America. Our newest campaign will help us to regain their support."

The list of animals for which PETA will no longer support the animals' rights includes seals, whales, shar-peis, emus, buffalos, and nearly a dozen other animals. Some animals that didn't make the cut: cows, parakeets, chickens, and pigs.

"It's not that we don't still care greatly about these animals," said Oppenstein. "We've just come to realize that we must pick our battles wisely. We can no longer expect our radicalism to reach the minds of America's youth, as well as the growing population of elderly Americans. So we've picked some animals that we felt could serve as animal martyrs, giving their own flesh to support the rights of all animals. This group of 'ok to eat' animals aren't the ugliest, but they're certainly not pretty; they're not the smartest, and they are not the tastiest -- but they will make for a good transition. We're going to ease Americans into an animal rights lifestyle, one meal at a time."

Not all PETA members support the new policy, even though Oppenstein claims it to be a temporary measure. Throughout the weekend, PETA headquarters were picketed by angry groups of ex-members. A new group was even formed in San Francisco: REPETA (Radically Enraged People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). REPETA vows to continue with the original, true intents and methods of those people who truly care for animals.

Eastern Orthodox Church concealed Alien Visits

Church reveals documentation of extraterrestrial visits that had remained under lock and key for nearly 1,500 years.

Ecumenical patriarch Bartholomew I today unveiled a startling set of documents that have remained out of public view for up to one and a half millenia. These documents, written on parchment, detail the visits by Aliens to the leaders of the Eastern Orthodox Church in the early years of its separation from mainstream Catholicism.

"With the release of these documents, we are willing to show the world that there is alien life, and they have played an integral part in maintaining our faith in God," Bartholomew I told a press conference in Istanbul.

These hereto secret documents were once only known to a select number of bishops within the Orthodox Church, and are comprised of the original accounts of the alien visits, as well as commentary by subsequent bishops. "The extra terrestrials were truly interested in helping us to maintain our spirtual well-being," Bartholomew I said. "They helped to show us the error of our ways, and reinforced our belief in maintaining the standard of living that Jesus himself would have us aspire to."

The Orthodox Church has asked the Catholic Church to examine the documents, and hopes that this revelation will help to foster a new era of cooperation between the religions, as both share nearly the same set of beliefs.

World will run out of Oxygen in 12 Years

Anonymous Reader writes:

Certain disaster looms in our future, says scientist, as we gradually deplete our atmosphere of O2.

Herman Broktendock, a professor of meteorology at the University of Mississippi, announced today at a class lecture his prediction that we will all be dead in 12 years. Student reactions varied; most felt it was an issue that we need to tackle starting right now.

"Like, Professor Broktendorf is a really smart guy," says Jason McDoogle, one of Broktendock's students. "They don't just make anyone a professor, you know. So like, if he says we're dead unless we stop using oxygen now, he's gotta be totally sure about it."

Broktendock's warning admonished auto manufacturers, who he claims are responsible for the problem.

"Car makers continue to produce cars burning fossil fuels; in fact, they produce more and more cars each year. How can they continue to do this, knowing that each car will burn several dozen tons of oxygen over its lifetime? It's reprehensible. Even President Bush's call for hydrogen-powered cars won't help. Sure, the cars will only produce water as an exhaust, but they still burn oxygen in the process."

Auto manufacturers responded to the professor's claims, telling reporters that they cannot be held responsible for the actions of automobile purchasers: "You don't go after the gun company because the gun's owner shoots someone, right? Same thing for a car: you can't go after us just because someone drives around and uses up the planet's breathable atmosphere."

Environmentalists have latched on to Professor Broktendock's research, heralding it as the evidence they need to pressure Congress to impose strict emissions laws, and require alternative fuels. Stocks of nuclear power plant manufacturers went up on the announcement, since nuclear power generation does not consume any atmospheric oxygen. Many other scientists have urged caution, and will not rush to support Broktendock's conclusions until they have been independently confirmed.

Wife Buys New Outfit; Already has Matching Shoes

Husband Stunned

Irvine, CA - A local man is in disbelief today after his wife returned home from a shopping trip for new clothes, and announced that she already has shoes to match her new outfit.

Adam Howard, 25, of Irvine, CA thought it was just another typical Saturday afternoon. "Boy was I wrong," he explained. "Kim returned home from a trip to the department store, and modeled her new outfit for me. And then she laid this shocking revelation: 'I already have shoes to go with it!'"

"I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. All I could say was 'What?'. So she repeated it, and I was just, like, stunned. I didn't know what to say."

It took Adam a few minutes to fully comprehend what was happening.

"It's just, amazing. She has to have 30 pairs of shoes," explained Adam. "Maybe 50, I don't know. I don't look in her closet that often. All I know is that every time she comes home with new clothes, she always says that she needs new shoes to match it."

Adam compared notes with his friends, and they too have never heard such words uttered by a woman. Kim feels that Adam is blowing this all out of proportion.

"Adam just doesn't get it," Kim told Byzantine News reporters. "You can just match any old shoes; even the most subtle difference in shoe style, shape, or color could totally ruin an outfit. But in this instance...I have shoes that fit those exact qualities that this outfit needs."

Artificial Intelligence experiment goes awry

Dayton, OH - Two hundred twelve lives and tens of thousands of man-hours were lost Saturday after an artificial intelligence experiment went horribly wrong. Full details have not been released yet by authorities, but reports by witnesses tell accounts of violence and bloodshed that security guards and police were unable to stop.

"It was the most horrible thing I have ever seen," according to James Davis, senior engineer on another project at the facility. "They had been testing a new bomb-defusing robot at the Northwest Lab all this week. They were nearly two months behind schedule. The programmers asked for more time, but the project manager felt the code was complete enough. He was wrong."

The first twelve test cases completed successfully, but the next caused a condition known as a buffer-overflow, overwriting the machines instructions with random garbage.

All seven members of the development team perished in the accident, as did over two hundred other researchers present at the facility that day.

"The facility alarms sounded as soon as the robot broke through the lab door," said Bill Roiley, a security supervisor at the research labs. "We tried to disable the robot, but were unsuccessful. It's built to withstand bomb blasts, and it's equipped with an array of blades, projectiles and explosive charges. I lost some of my best men to that machine, and all we achieved was a few dents in its panels."

The robot's rampage lasted four hours as it blasted or sawed through walls and doors, brutally killing any researcher in its path, and the brutality ended only as the robots battery began to fail.

"We really lucked out," said Roiley. "From what I understand, this thing was to be powered by a small nuclear pile rated for 30 years of continuous service, but budgetary cuts forced the use of lead-acid auto batteries for the testing phase. Had this thing had its intended battery, I fear what would have happened as the robot left the facility and ventured into the surrounding community."

Only those researchers and other staff who managed to hide from the robot's thermal imaging sensors were able to avoid a grisly fate as the robot took its turns through the facility. Police officials promise to release more details as the victims' families are notified.