Kerry Receives Endorsements from Al Qaeda, other Terrorists

"We the members of Al Qaeda wholeheartedly endorse John Kerry for President of the soulless satans of America," a senior leader in Al Qaeda spoke on a tape sent to Al Jazeera. "If he's good enough for us, why would America vote for anyone else?"Washington, DC - John Kerry is reportedly unsure of how to react to the endorsements by terrorists of his campaign for the presidency. "On the one hand," a Kerry staffer told reporters, "it's great to have people believing we're right for the job. On the other hand, Bush's camp is probably going to have a field day with 'Kerry Endorsed by Evildoers' attack ads."

While Bush is comfortable calling the terrorists an evil group, Kerry is not. The staffer continued: "John Kerry doesn't believe that these terrorists are evil, necessarily. They may just be misguided. Sure, they did kill thousands of innocent people, but maybe no one ever told them that that's wrong? You can't blame them for turning out the way they are, if that's the way they were raised as children."

The Bush campaign is indeed delighted with the news of the terrorists endorsing their competition. Bush himself talked to reporters, "John Kerry is not an evil man, please, let me stress this. But evildoers would rather have someone in power who will appease them, someone who will let them continue plotting and planning our destruction. That's all those terrorists want. And they feel that with Kerry in power, they will have a better chance for acheiving that evil goal."

This latest endorsement comes after Kerry has already been praised by Arab news source Al Jazeera and is well liked by North Korea's communist leader Kim Jong Il

2008 Elections to be decided by American Idol-style reality show

"The American public will in 2008 elect their President on TV!" Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle announced Tuesday morning in Washington DC. Daschle spoke of a Democrat bill, the LATE (Live Audience Television Election) Act, which will dramatically change American presidential elections, "pulling them into the 21st Century" by eliminating the electoral college and instead putting votes directly to the public, who can phone in to narrow the presidential race down from twelve candidates to just one.The new election process has been drafted entirely by the producers of the hit Fox television series American Idol, under the supervision of a bipartisan panel of Senators. Presidential candidates will compete for votes by displaying their talent before a panel of three judges, who give their opinions, and then leave it up to the voting public to choose.

No details are currently available regarding whether Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell or Paula Abdul will form the three person election panel.

Many Senate Republicans dismissed the idea as ludicrous. "America does not need a new electoral system," Senator Bill Frist told reporters. "Our system of elections has worked well for years, and will continue to do so well into the future."

Democrats counter that the current system is flawed, and believe that their proposal will prevent "a disaster like Florida from ever happening again."

The League of Women Voters is cautiously considering the proposed system. "We feel that this new system will help to enfranchise a whole new generation of Americans," league spokesperson Jillian Wills said. "We would like to see the issue of multiple votes fixed, but otherwise we think it can work." Wills was referring to the fact that viewers can call from multiple phones, thus voting mulltiple times, and rumors that you can even call multiple times from the same phone.

NEA Ties to Al Qaeda Unearthed

U.S. Education Secretary Rod Paige thought he was joking when he called the National Education Association a "terrorist organization" two weeks ago. Today, the FBI announced that they have been investigating ties between the NEA and terrorist organization Al Qaeda for nearly three years.

"I was floored when the FBI contacted me two days after I made that comment," Paige told reporters. "They accused me of blowing their cover, and threatened to send me to jail. I explained to them that it was just an expression of my frustration with the NEA, but it took five hours to convince the FBI."

FBI Director Robert Mueller has refused to comment further on the terrorist ties of NEA, saying only that the investigation is "ongoing" and that arrests are "imminent". NEA officials vehemently denied any terrorist activities or connections, insisting that their organization is "clean" and that the investigation will find nothing.

Bush Administration Dispels ''Black Helicopter'' Conspiracy Theories

"Most of our helicopters are actually painted with a very dark chocolate or olive matte finish," Bush contends.Seeking to calm the anxiety of thousands of nervous conspiracy-theorist potential voters across the country, President Bush reached out to them, eager to dispel the common black helicopter conspiracy theory.

"You need not fear your government," Bush spoke in a calming voice at a press conference at the White House. "There are no black, silent helicopters circling overhead your neighborhood. In fact, very few of our military's helicopters are black in color."

Bush answered press questions afterwards, explaining such things as the colors that are used to paint military helicopters.

"He seemed very candid and forthcoming," Ralph Johnston, publisher of The Conspirer quarterly journal. "But if there are no black helicopters in my neighborhood, then who marked off all the streets with ultraviolet paint in helipad landing patterns? I mean, do I trust the President, or my own inner fear? Or neither?"

Johnston's feelings were mirrored by many other members of the conspiracy theory press. While they would like to believe the President, they just can't advocate to their distrusting readers that they should vote for him in the upcoming election.

McDonald's Hiring Practices Revealed!

'No wonder all those burger flippers are losers,' comments expert.

Milwaukee, WI - McDonalds is well known for hiring low/unskilled workers for it's "McJobs" -- the low-paying burger flippers who fry and server millions of french fries and burgers. Today, in a direct attack on political correctness, McDonalds has come right out and named the people it wants to hire for these jobs: LOSERS (see enlarged photo).

"Well this explains everything," one onlooker commented. "I always thought it was a job that attracts people with low self esteem; now we see those people are actively sought out."

City officials are investigating the matter, in order to determine whether the hiring practices can be considered discriminatory, and whether or not that violates any local, state, or federal laws.

New Zealand Declares February 29 ''Lord of the Rings'' Day

Leap Day set aside for Kiwis to celebrate their leap into the world's eye with the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King's sweep of all eleven categories in which it was nominated in the Oscars.
Governor-General Silvia Cartwright, with the support of the majority of the New Zealand Parliament, has declared February 29 to be "Lord of the Rings" Day, a national holiday for New Zealand. "On this day, we will celebrate the remarkable acheivement of our fellow New Zealanders, who together produced that epic trilogy that garnered so many awards, and that was filmed right here in our own country," Cartwright said, speaking to the Parliament. "This should be a source of national pride, and with this measure, we will ensure that all citizens of our country will have a day to express that pride."

Several parliament members expressed their disagreement with Cartwright's decision to choose February 29, the date the Oscars aired in Los Angeles, because in New Zealand, across the International Date Line, it was already well into March 1. Cartwright defended her decision, citing numerous administrative and logistical reasons why a leap-day holiday is a better choice.

US Military Bolsters Forces with Undead, Fearing Space Alien/Terrorist Invasion

President Bush has issued an executive order appropriating more resources towards the recruiting of zombie soldiers. Meanwhile, the US has raised the terror alert level from Elevated (Yellow) to High (Orange) in response to new intelligence that extraterrestrials have joined forces with Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda. White House staff confirmed rumors Sunday that the U.S. was indeed building up its zombie forces, based on the same intelligence reports that prompted the change in the terror alert level.

Should extraterrestrials, supplemented with terrorist intelligence from Al Qaeda, attack the United States, many within the administration felt that our weapons technology is inadequate to defeat an alien invasion. A senior staffer, speaking on anonymnity, told Byzantine Communications reporters that Bush himself suggested bolstering our zombie military brigades.

Experts report that the looming alien vs. zombie warfare will be the first such occurrence in recorded history. Phil Laumbert, professor of undead studies at Princeton, had this to say:

Never before have aliens battled with the undead humans on our planet. This is something that has only been contemplated in '50s horror films. What happens when extraterrestrials, with their highly advanced technology, are faced with unrelenting, unstoppable zombie warriors? As a professor of zombie research, I'm inclined to support the theory that the zombies will prevail, solely on the fact that no conventional military techniques or weapons have been able to significantly impact an undead onslaught.

Other experts contend that the buildup of undead will lead to a new "Cold War". The Aliens, they say, would likely stage most of their attacks from space, only coming down to earth to clean up and claim Earth, turning humans into slaves. But with the zombie card in our pocket, we may be spared the attacks -- these experts believe that the aliens would be unable to immobilize the zombies, and thereby making any attack on our planet a waste.

Whatever happens, Byzantine Communications' It's News, Dammit will bring you the latest news as it happens.