European Union to Institute New Metric Calendar

The European Union has voted overwhelmingly to stop using the cumbersome 12 month, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, 60 minutes an hour and 60 seconds a minute calendar and, instead, use the new, more practical and easier to understand Metric calendar. Forget about minutes and seconds and ever hours now when you travel to Europe. The basic measure of time is now a Degra.

Creator Swedish astrologist Per Hourman explains his new simple-to-use calendar system.

"The basic unit of time is a Degra. It is equivalent to 100 American seconds. The time used to create a second is the same as the American system, but that is where this intelligent system skews. So a second is a centiDegra and there are a 100 centiDegras in a Degra which would be equivalent to an American minute but with more time in it of course. Now there are 100 Degras in a hectaDegra which is equivalent to an American hour but with more time again."

"Finally, there are 10 hectaDegra in a kilaDegra which is the similar unit to a day. Now in a normal American day there are 86,400 seconds, a complicated number, whereas in the new metric calendar there are 100,000 centiDegras in a kilaDegra, which is much easier to remember.

"Therefore because of the difference in time unit between the American calendar and the New Metric Calendar, the metric calendar is only 315 kilaDegras Long. Being that there are less unit kilaDegras than days, there are only 10 tulis or (months) in a libun which is equivalent to a year."

"The new tuli names are tron, bitron, tritron, quadtron, pentatron, hexatron, septatron, octatron, novatron, and decatron. Now since there are only 30 kilaDegras in a tuli and only 10 tulis in a libun that leaves only 300 kilaDegras. The other 15 KilaDegras are placed in the pseudo-tuli pseudo-tron which is place between the tulis on septatron and octatron.

"These 15 kilaDegras are all holidays to be used for festival."

A spokesperson for the EU commented about this new calendar system, "It is about time those pig Americans got something thrown back into their faces, the EU is not using that confusing calendar system anymore!" The new Metric calendar system will be implemented starting the beginning of libun 2004.

United States Military Unveils New Supercomputer

Skynet the wave of the Future!

Washington, DC – Senior Pentagon officials were happy to announce that years of intense research had finally paid off as the new government Supercomputer known as “Skynet” is ready for launch. Skynet will link all of the automated systems across the nation eliminating the chance for human error. While this is seen by many as a success for all, there are certain watchdog groups that are very upset with Skynet’s ability to tap into and control things as mundane and out of the military loop as your personal computer and the internet they see it as the government going to far.

“While we have not as yet announced and official roll out date for Skynet we are very excited by all the wonderful possibilities it offers,” said General Mark Williams, Assistant Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “Eliminating human error and streamlining our command and control processes will once again make it obvious why we have the best damn military in the world.”

Senior staffers at the White House said that the president who had initially been all for the startup of the Skynet system has cooled on it recently after watching a couple of movies his daughters had rented from Blockbuster to watch on “Family Night”. While some say it is possible that the president may again reverse his position many feel it is unlikely.

“He suddenly seemed really spooked by the project,” said one Senior Bush Administration Official. “When he took a good close look at some of the stuff he started really freaking out it was pretty weird. I really thought he was going to faint when he saw the design we came up with for these cyborg things the Pentagon had designed to protect Skynet. He really didn’t like the fact that we had used Arnold Schwartzennegger as the model for the design either. He kept screaming, ‘Do you asses watch movies, or do you just ignore everything around you.’ It was pretty freaky.”

Some in the Pentagon were initially worried about this since some of the systems needing to be turned over to Skynet needed Presidential approval, such as Nuclear and Undead controls, but already some things have been turned over to the system. As yet no disasters have been reported, though there was one near miss.

“I did get one odd command the other day,” said US Marine Colonel Robert Harris at the Guantanimo Bay base in Cuba. “It told us to kill all the Cubans and then one another. We almost started doing it when a counter order came down. I’m sure they just have to iron the bugs out.”

“Once we have President Bush, or the next President on board we’ll advance forward,” said General Williams. “The President’s concerns over Skynet becoming self aware and deciding we are its enemies is extremely unlikely. Once he realizes that Skynet will not in fact slaughter the human race in Nuclear fire on a day known as Judgment Day, he’ll sign off and we can get this thing started.”

Wisconsin Irradiates Welfare Recipients

Controversial Welfare-to-Work program tested experimental "work-inducing" radiation on jobless

Madison, WI - State officials and the University of Wisconsin - Madison Board of Regents admitted Wednesday to an experimental program conducted by a research group at the university which irradiated welfare recipients with several doses of so-called W-rays (work rays). The experiments, which took place in 1999, were funded by a collaborative effort including the State Department of Workforce Development and Monster.com.

"Project W, as it was known, was a failed attempt to decrease unemployment in the state by inducing a strong work ethic in the unemployed," Roberta Gassman, Secretary of the DWD, stated in a press conference. "The W-rays have shown proven results in animal laboratory experiments: rats and rabbits exposed to the radiation displayed marked improvements in problem solving and cooperation exercises. Human trials were authorized in the State's Balanced Budget Act of 1997, along with the creation of the Welfare-to-Work program."

The officials at the press conference revealed that the W-rays were administered through what appeared to be a metal detector at the entrance to the unemployment offices in Dane, Jefferson and Rock counties.

"Did Project W work? The results are unclear," said Jim McNeehan, an associate professor in the biophysics program at the university. "Those who received multiple full doses of the W-rays did not rejoin the workforce any more quickly than their control group counterparts, but those who received between one and three moderate doses did show a slight decrease in unemployed time. Clearly, further study is needed, with a larger sample group that was assigned for Phase 2."

Because of the state's impending $3.2 billion deficit, there is no money available to conduct Phase 2 of Project W, so it has been postponed. Phase 2 would have expanded the Project to all counties in the southern half of the state, and would have included aptitude and problem-solving tests for the experimental subjects, both before and after the radiation was administered.

Supporters of Project W say that the project will help the budget situation within a year, as welfare recipients return to work and generate more revenue for the state. They have started a petition to resume funding the project in the State's next biennial budget.

USAF Holds Top Secret Area 51 Garage Sale

Las Vegas, NV - Leaked governmental memos, heavily censored with black markers, indicate that the United States Air Force has been taking bids from other governmental agencies as well as NGOs (non governmental organizations) for equipment from the Groom Lake, Nevada facility popularly known as Area 51. Area 51 is widely believed to be the testing grounds for acquired alien technology.

One of the memos, acquired by Byzantine Communications reporters, seems to indicate that the Area 51 commanders have been actively soliciting bids on various items. None of these items are named; each is referred to only by a six digit number.

Sources within the White House said that the auction was by invitation only, and refused to name any invitees, saying only that several dozen "governmental agencies, universities, and corporations" were invited to participate.

The Area 51 facility has long been surrounded by controversy and fears of government conspiracy. There are few who have clearance high enough to enter the base, and no one who works there has been bold enough to leak any substantial proof of the technologies contained within. In fact, the memo obtained by Byzantine Communications is the most compelling piece of hard evidence obtained to date.

Military officials dismissed the memo as a forgery, and would not comment on whether the auctioned property was in any way related to accident that occurred at an Area 51 laboratory last month.

28 Days Later - Worst Sequel Ever

Star of the 2000 hit 28 Days, Sandra Bullock doesn't even make an appearance in the sequel.

It is a generally accepted rule that a sequel to a blockbuster movie will have a hard time living up to the stature of the first movie. House Party II wasn't as good as House Party, Rockie V didn't live up to the original Rockie flick, and Batman and Robin (1997) didn't even come close to Batman (1989, or for that matter, the original Adam West movie).

At least those movies kept the same general theme as the first movie. The sequel to 28 Days doesn't even fit in the same genre.

In 28 Days, Sandra Bullock's character Gwen must come to terms with the fact that she is an alcoholic, and overcome that problem in order to better her life. Gwen is battling with an inner conflict, and must recognize her own faults and the problems that her alcoholic lifestyle have caused not only for herself, but for those nearest to her. The audience feels deeply for Gwen, as the development of her character is none short of excellent.

28 Days Later, on the other hand, presents us with Jim (Cillian Murphy), freshly woken from a coma and forced to battle against people infected with a virus that awakens a murderous rage within them. There is no inner struggle at all -- how can you take time to consider the impact that your alcoholism, or your quick temper, or even your persistent stubbornness has on those around you, when the only thing that those around you want to do is kill you?

As a horror movie, 28 Days Later is above par. Not always downright scary, but ever thrilling, this movie will likely not fare as well with the fans of the first movie, who will likely already have dismissed this one, for lack of Sandra Bullock. If you overlook the fact that this movie is in fact a sequel, and look at it as though it were an original film not subsequent to the original film, you will certainly be able to accept this film on its own merits.

Rating: *** out of ****

(Even considering the alienation of 28 Days fans, this movie is worth seeing.)

Aliens consider issuing public apology

Washington D.C – Byzantine News sources here in Washington have uncovered a letter from high ranking Alien officials stating their intention to reveal their existence, and to apologize for their behavior towards humans. Contained with the letter is a rough draft of what the Aliens are planning to issue to all major news sources through the Associated Press sometime next week. Also it is said in the letter that a high ranking Alien official will consent to doing an interview with the New York Times, as the Aliens seek a respected and authoritarian paper with which to disseminate their multi-faceted agenda.

“Many have speculated that we may have built the pyramids,” said one excerpt from the letter. “This is untrue. In reality there was a group of us who decided it would be fun to act like gods…and so we forced your ancestors to build them. Sorry about that really.”

While many scientists and historians reeled at the information contained within these secret documents, and some denied their validity, others saw what was a very unpopular opinion suddenly proved correct or at least close to correct by these findings.

“Some of the things mentioned here I have to admit even I hadn’t considered,” said one historian. “However many of the things that are mentioned in this document back up what I have been saying for years. I think the University of Washington is going to regret revoking my tenure.”

The Aliens also plan to apologize for the following:

Anal Probes - "I know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. It ended up not teaching us much more about you than the fact that roughly 10% of you liked the process."

Cattle killing - "We don't really have meat where we're from...we were trying to figure out how to carve off a steak or maybe make a hamburger. As you can see the results were very messy at first."

Crop Circles - "All I can say on this one is Aliens have teenage children too. I hope enough said on that one."

Velcro - "It was suposed to be a funny joke...how did we know you guys would like that crap so much"

UFO Sightings - "Yeah that was us...did you really expect us to stop by because you spotted us though?"

FDA opens investigation of ''Weird Al''

Agency claims that singer promotes overeating, obesity.

Richmond. VA - The Food and Drug Administration announced
Tuesday that they are opening an investigation into popular singer ''Weird Al" Yankovic, alleging that his song lyrics are compounding the problems with overeating and obesity faced by nearly two-thirds of Americans.

FDA spokesman Richard Overland told reporters Tuesday that the Agency will consider demanding a total recall of all albums available in stores, and will even offer a cash refund to consumers in exchange for returning already-purchased CDs, cassette tapes, and vinyl records.

"Obesity has become a problem of epidemic proportions in the United States over the past twenty years," Overland explained, "and we believe that it is no coincidence that Mr. Yankovic has been producing music for this same amount of time."

Overland cites the lyrics of several "Weird Al" songs as problematic for the health of Americans. Most of these songs can be found on the album released as The Food Album, "a compilation of the worst offending songs by the artist," notes Overland.

"How do the following lyrics promote health?" Overland postured, then read the following from Yankovic's hit song, "Eat It":

Have some more chicken
Have some more pie
It doesn't matter
If it's boiled or fried

Just eat it, just eat it
Just eat it, just eat it... Woo!

When asked to comment on the pending investigation, Yankovic responded: "It's a parody, ok? That's protect speech, isn't it? I mean, c'mon!"

Sales of his latest CD, Poodle Hat, have been largely unaffected by the FDA announcement, despite the FDA's warning that constipation is a serious medical issue, and a warning that children may be tempted to imitate Yankovic's lyrics to "A Complicated Song," which deal with eating nineteen extra large pizzas.