Thousands of Political Analysts to join ranks of unemployed

Washington, DC - After the dust from the highly contentious 2004 presidential election has settled, thousands of political analysts are projected to lose their jobs, say sources at the major networks.

"They just won't be needed anymore, at least not in these numbers, at least until the next congressional elections," says an executive for FOX News. "In this election season, if you resume even had anything related to politics in your 'hobbies' section, you got a job as an analyst. The level of political analysis this country currently has, however, cannot be sustained without an impending election."

Sources at ABC and CBS news agencies have revealed similar situations at their networks.

The networks have not publicly stated their intentions for all of their political analysts, but sources state that all efforts have been made to retain the analysts where possible.

At FOX, for example, some of the top political analysts will be guest-hosts on the news network's shows, or may be called in to provide analysis on other issues, such as court trials of celebrities or they may be embedded with troops battling the War on Terror.

At CBS, an unnamed assistant for the 60 Minutes show had this to say: "Certainly we want to keep talent, but we're faced with a supply glut of political analysts. Either wages have to go down, or those less skilled will have to be eliminated."

Sources familiar with News Corp have suggested that the FOX News division may be working with the 21st Century Fox and the Fox television network divisions on a movie about political analysis in the 2004 election, as well as a possible reality TV series featuring the soon-to-be unemployed analysts.

Fondue King stiffed at local restaurant

Eatery ran out of fondue, offered hummus instead. Fondue King vows "never to forget this shameful night."

North Orange County's own self-proclaimed Fondue King Jason McPheron suffered a grevious insult Friday night when a favorite local restaurant reneged on its promise to suppy McPheron and his guests with a pot full of delicious bubbling cheese and brandy.

Witnesses report that the Fondue King maintained his composure despite the restaurant's inability to produce the meal as ordered. "He totally kept his cool," one patron noted. "But you could tell he was pissed. This man is like the Godfather of Fondue. I wouldn't be surprised if the restaurant's manager woke up with a horse head in his bed or something."

It is unknown whether the restaurant's manager owns any horses.

Local police report that they have been asked to provide additional security for the manager and the server who waited on the Fondue King. McPheron has never been indicted in any incidents resulting from fondue mishaps, but due to his reputation, authorities are taking no chances.

"It is our duty to serve and protect the citizens of this county," an Orange County sherriff's deputy told reporters. "I personally have no respect for a man who entices you with the thoughts of a delicous bowl of fondue, then fails to deliver...but I can't let that interfere with my aforementioned duties."

Bush: ''Undead soldiers make a draft irrelevant for today's military''

Seeking to stamp out Internet rumors of a draft should he be reelected, President Bush announced today that we will never need to have a draft again, and he's introduced a Constitutional amendment bill to ensure it."The United States of America will not draft the living into its military under my watch, and if I have my way, never again," Bush announced in Iowa on the campaign trail. Bush unveiled a constitutional amendment proposal to forbid the federal government from being able to draft people unwillingly into the military. The catch -- the U.S. Constitution would grant the President unlimited access to vast reserves of zombie soldiers for use in times of war.

Vice President Cheney echoed Bush's rhetoric. "We pride our nation on having the best, the brightest army on Earth, composed entirely of volunteers willing to serve their country. We don't want to force people to serve their country: America is based on freedom, not force. But we will acknowledge that there may be times when our military needs require more than our volunteer army is able to provide. That's where this constitutional amendment will come into play."

The amendment will make it illegal for the U.S. government to draft any living person into the military. Zombies are specifically excluded from the draft prohibitions.

Analysts on Fox News applauded the President's proposal. "This will give America overwhelming military strength in times of need," Shawn Hannity told viewers of Hannity and Colmes. "We can hope that we will never again need to use undead zombie soldiers to defend our country, but the President of the United States must have the ability to call them into service as a last resort."

Democrats dismiss the constitutional amendment as a diversion from the real issues. John Edwards, vice presidential candidate in the Kerry campaign, told ralliers, "The Constitution has only been amended a handful of times over the years. The chances of this controversial amendment being accepted are slim at best. The President is very likely to call for a draft if he doesn't get this amendment, and you can bet that if he does get it, he will use his vast zombie army to enforce the Patriot Act and terrorize our nation's own citizens. So vote for me and John Kerry!"

Instant surveys indicate that 60% of Americans would be comfortable with the new amendment, because zombie soldiers cannot be killed, which has the potential to allow the US to engage in a casualty-free war on terrorism.

Bush Threw First Debate to Get Bounce from Second Debate

A Republican party staffer alleges that President Bush purposefully lost the first debate so that his comeback in the second debate would result in a bounce in his poll numbers. The President and his staff vigorously deny the allegation."What would I have to gain by losing a debate on purpose?" Bush asked a crowd of supporters in Minnesota on Saturday. "Of course I didn't do that. I'll grant you, I wasn't at the top of my game for the first debate, but it was not for lack of trying, and I've learned from the first one how to do even better on the second."

The allegations come from a Republican staffer who would only speak with the press anonymously. This staffer is said to have worked closely with the President's own people in the hours before the first debate.

"I can tell you that the President's own staffers were acting awfully suspiciously that day," the staffer told reporters. "They were very careful about what they said when others were around. But when I was in the restroom in a stall, and they didn't realize I was there, two of them were arguing over whether or not it could work for the President to lose this debate to win the next."

It's a well known fact that George W Bush is not seen as a strong debater. Whitehouse staffers say that Bush is a whole different character when he can deal with people, rather than a rigid debate format. This different is what the President's staff attributes to his stellar performance on Friday.

The anonymous Republican staffer also dispelled rumors that the President was wired during the first debate. "Seriously, he did so badly that first time, who in their right mind would think that someone was talking him through the debate? Anyway, I saw him, front and back, without his jacket on before he went onstage, and there was no wire."

The latest polls still show John Kerry and George W Bush in a very tight race, but Republican leaders point to several polls that show Bush ahead as evidence that undecided voters were swayed by Bush's debate performance. The third debate is scheduled for October 13 at Arizona State University in Tempe.

Your Thoughts: Is ''28 Days Later'' really sequel to ''28 Days''?

In light of reader feedback to our review of 28 Days Later, sequel to Sandra Bullock's hit 28 Days movie, we at It's News, Dammit! are interested in finding out just what you think. Is 28 Days Later really a sequel? Its title would certainly suggest that it is. But it does lack all of the heartfelt goodness that Bullock lent to the first film. What do you think?At It's News, Dammit!, your opinion matters. Here's what some of our readers think about 28 Days Later.


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From: Jeremy Hunter (inlove_withska@hotmail.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
Duh 28 days later has no prequel, of course it would be a bad sequel of 28 days, because it's not a sequel! Just because they have similar names does NOT mean that 28 days later is a sequel of 28 days. The fact you can THINK they are even related is an embarrasement to human IQ. It shows nothing but the fact you are mentally inept. They have nothing to do with each other.



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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
Hello. I'm wirinting this message to A Howard (I think his full name was Adam Howard) who wrote what had to be one of the stupidest and most ignorant articles I've ever seen. Adam Howard wrote about 28 days later, calling it the worst sequel ever becuase it had nothing to do with the movie 28 days. Adam, I hope your joking. That stupid Sandra Bullock movie has nothing to do with 28 later at ALL except for similar titles! Not only do they have none of the same actors, writers, directors, or anybody involved, but the movies couldn't be any more different! What, you saw the words "28 day" and just assumed they were realted? And then just proceded to critize 28 days later? And then, top it all off, you posted your article on the internet?!?!? GOOD LORD!!!!! I'm speachless. Uterly speachless. Please write back me and my God tell me i'm not the only person who noticed this!!!



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From: Joe Smith (xdafez@anonymizer.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
I was wondering myself why this sequel sucked so much. Great review dude!
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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
"28 Days later" had nothing to do with "28 days" except for the title! It wasn't a sequel! Its just a coincidence! Holy crap ahoward is retarded!



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From: Sheila (Wolfkin33@hotmail.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
Your review on the movie "28 days later" was absolute shit. The Movie "28 days" with Sandra Bullock and the movie "28 days later" with Cillian Murphy, had NOTHING to do with each outher. 28 Days later was NOT the sequel to the Sandra Bullock movie. If your so incompetent that you cant even get simple facts right, than you shouldent be writing news. Get your facts straight befor reporting.



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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
Its me again. And yes I will keep on writing to you I get some kind of response! What do I have to say? Why you should know that already! I'm here to say that the 28 Days Later article is comlete bullshit. it critisizes the movie for not haveing to do with the movie 28 Days, when in fact those 2 movies are in no ways related! Different actors, different dirrectors, different writers, MADE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! 28 Days Later isn't a fucking sequal!! Are you guys retarded? Now please write back or i'll just keep writing to you! Thanx!!



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From: DZack (Danielzg1@aol.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
I stumbled upon your website and while i was reading the 28 Days Later article I noticed simething interesting......it's complete bullshit! 28 Days Later is not in any way, shape, or form a sequal to 28 Days! The movies have different actors, different writers, different directors, different prodcers, and THEY WERE MADE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! Is that enough clues for you guys? What do you assume t was a sequal just because they both have the words "28 Days" in them? I'm really perplexed by this article so please do me a favor and write back to me at Danielzg1@aol.com. Thank you.



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From: Joe (fossilruins@hotmail.com)

To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com

Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
If you think that "28 days later" is a sequel to "28 days", you must have just came out of a coma yourself. You should retract this article due to your ignorance about movie names and that they may not be a sequel. "28 days later" is about a nightmare of a virus spreading through the lands. "28 days" is an idiot chick flick. THEY ARE NOT RELATED. Let's look at the understanding of a sequel: They tie the continuation of the new story to the old story. Does "28 days later" do that? NO! Why? THEY ARE NOT PART OF THE SAME STORY LINE! Just retract this article of your opinion (due to you are WRONG), and quit your job as being a film critic, and allow us to see REAL news of TRUTH, not misunderstandings of movie names and falsely believing all you know came from "28 days". I'm now going to go vomit from reading about your "thinking" that "28 days later" was a sequel to "28 days". Advice: Do some actual research about movies before you attempt to think that sequels are all related to movies that have nothing to do with the other.



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From: Floyd Ong (mtb@hotmail.com)
To: webmaster@byzantinecommunications.com
Subject: It's News, Dammit! by Byzantine Communications Feedback
"28 Days Later - Worst Sequel Ever"
"Star of the 2000 hit 28 Days, Sandra Bullock doesn't even make an appearance in the sequel."
Is not the sequel to 28 days you dufus.

Kerry Camp furious over ''Flip-Flop'' email from Bush Camp

The Kerry campaign has had its feathers ruffled following a Bush campaign email that encourages Bush supporters to wear flip-flops while watching the presidential debates."This is an outrageous, childish prank on the part of the Bush campaign," John Edwards, Kerry's running mate, complained to reporters. "I am sadly disappointed that the President has approved such a campaign gimmick."


Bush supporters see the issue differently. "The majority of Americans aren't politically active, and don't know a thing about the Democrat's choice for president," Michael Reagan said to his talk-radio audience. "They don't know that John Kerry can't or won't pick a position and stick with it, that his opinions change with the political winds, that he says whatever it takes to make his current audience happy. We're going to help educate those people by wearing flip-flops during the debates, as a symbol of John Kerry's opinions."


Several Kerry campaign officials have on the condition of anonymnity acknowledged that the Bush's flip-flop gimmick has the potential to do great harm to Kerry's own campaign. One campaigner said, "Kerry has been struggling in the polls to come back from the Bush bounce, and a gimmick as catchy as this one has the potential to sink Kerry's ratings even futher."


Behind the scenes, Kerry campaign officials are desperately seeking their own campaign gimmick in the hours before the first debate starts, something to counter the effects of the flip-flop gimmick -- in the time since the official campaign email went out, mass email notices have been circulating on the 'Net, encouraging everyone to tell their family and friends to wear flip-flops.


The Kerry campaign has also not ruled out filing a complaint with the Federal Election Commission regarding the email. The Bush camp argues that nothing about the email violates any federal election rules, and the FEC commissioner has issued a statement that on the surface, he sees nothing wrong with the actions of the Bush campaign, but will initiate an investigation if a formal complaint is filed by the Kerry campaign.

12-Year old blasts Kerry response to Bush acceptance speech

"That was the lame-ass-est speech I've ever heard, " says Johnathan Walker. "John Kerry sounded more desperate than my older brother is to get a date. My kid brother has better comebacks than John Kerry too."

The Kerry camp promises that "this is the last time we let John write his own speeches.""I mean, when you start off your speech practically endorsing your opponent, you lose," says Walker, referring to Kerry's opening "The election comes down to this. If you believe this country is heading in the right direction, you should support George Bush."

"And that's just the beginning."

"Like, he mentions going to Vietnam like it makes up for all his other deficiencies. And then he mentions it some more for good measure. Give it up dude, the Vietnam war is over."

"And he just sounded pissed off that Bush and Cheney and that Zell guy didn't think he had the right stuff to lead the military. He sounded way too pissy to be president, as far as I'm concerned."

"He keeps claiming 'We need to take America in a new direction. And we have a specific plan to do just that.' but when's the last time you heard any specifics?"

"Probably the worst is when he saluted and said 'I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty.' I bet he does that before he hops into the bed at night. Sick."

Jonathan and the aforementioned kid brother James agree that "Kerry sucks ass." Polls among their friends show his ass-suckage rating at an all time high.

Johnathan is currently nursing a large bruise on his upper arm, delivered by his older brother Ralph as a result of the desperation comment. "He deserved it," says Ralph, adding, "He'll get better."