Kerry Camp furious over ''Flip-Flop'' email from Bush Camp

The Kerry campaign has had its feathers ruffled following a Bush campaign email that encourages Bush supporters to wear flip-flops while watching the presidential debates."This is an outrageous, childish prank on the part of the Bush campaign," John Edwards, Kerry's running mate, complained to reporters. "I am sadly disappointed that the President has approved such a campaign gimmick."


Bush supporters see the issue differently. "The majority of Americans aren't politically active, and don't know a thing about the Democrat's choice for president," Michael Reagan said to his talk-radio audience. "They don't know that John Kerry can't or won't pick a position and stick with it, that his opinions change with the political winds, that he says whatever it takes to make his current audience happy. We're going to help educate those people by wearing flip-flops during the debates, as a symbol of John Kerry's opinions."


Several Kerry campaign officials have on the condition of anonymnity acknowledged that the Bush's flip-flop gimmick has the potential to do great harm to Kerry's own campaign. One campaigner said, "Kerry has been struggling in the polls to come back from the Bush bounce, and a gimmick as catchy as this one has the potential to sink Kerry's ratings even futher."


Behind the scenes, Kerry campaign officials are desperately seeking their own campaign gimmick in the hours before the first debate starts, something to counter the effects of the flip-flop gimmick -- in the time since the official campaign email went out, mass email notices have been circulating on the 'Net, encouraging everyone to tell their family and friends to wear flip-flops.


The Kerry campaign has also not ruled out filing a complaint with the Federal Election Commission regarding the email. The Bush camp argues that nothing about the email violates any federal election rules, and the FEC commissioner has issued a statement that on the surface, he sees nothing wrong with the actions of the Bush campaign, but will initiate an investigation if a formal complaint is filed by the Kerry campaign.

12-Year old blasts Kerry response to Bush acceptance speech

"That was the lame-ass-est speech I've ever heard, " says Johnathan Walker. "John Kerry sounded more desperate than my older brother is to get a date. My kid brother has better comebacks than John Kerry too."

The Kerry camp promises that "this is the last time we let John write his own speeches.""I mean, when you start off your speech practically endorsing your opponent, you lose," says Walker, referring to Kerry's opening "The election comes down to this. If you believe this country is heading in the right direction, you should support George Bush."

"And that's just the beginning."

"Like, he mentions going to Vietnam like it makes up for all his other deficiencies. And then he mentions it some more for good measure. Give it up dude, the Vietnam war is over."

"And he just sounded pissed off that Bush and Cheney and that Zell guy didn't think he had the right stuff to lead the military. He sounded way too pissy to be president, as far as I'm concerned."

"He keeps claiming 'We need to take America in a new direction. And we have a specific plan to do just that.' but when's the last time you heard any specifics?"

"Probably the worst is when he saluted and said 'I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty.' I bet he does that before he hops into the bed at night. Sick."

Jonathan and the aforementioned kid brother James agree that "Kerry sucks ass." Polls among their friends show his ass-suckage rating at an all time high.

Johnathan is currently nursing a large bruise on his upper arm, delivered by his older brother Ralph as a result of the desperation comment. "He deserved it," says Ralph, adding, "He'll get better."

Sit 'n Sleep admits nothing -- story removed

At the request of Peter Gellerman, attorney representing mattress seller Sit 'n Sleep, this story has been removed.Admittedly, the story, which I still believe was satire, was pretty harsh on Sit 'n Sleep. Maybe I should have made up a company and slogan, rather than pick on that of Sit 'n Sleep, which is a respectable firm, who I even myself purchased a mattress through (if I remember correctly, I can check the receipt later), even though I really did detest the radio ads they used to air. My purpose in writing the story was to amuse, not to slander the company (although I will still hold to my thought that the slogan is silly -- wouldn't it be cheaper for them to beat a competitor's price than to give away a free mattress? But a free mattress does sound better...anyhow).

Anyway, rather than summon the full legal force of Peter Gellerman upon myself, I've caved to his insistence that the story be taken down. Whether I was legally required to do so will not be determined, as I can't afford to meet Mr Gellerman in court -- maybe the story was ok legally, maybe it crossed a line that it shouldn't have. But hey, it was nice talking with you Gellerman! Let me know if this meets with your approval (call please...you know my number).

What the Bush Administration DOESN'T want you to know

It's News, Dammit uncovers strong evidence to support claims that the White House has suppressed the availability of important information on the Internet.Computer forensics experts working for Byzantine Communications have uncovered a large repository of information stored on the whitehouse.gov web server that the Bush administration doesn't want people to find. Due to Freedom of Information mandates, the governmental information must be publicly accessible, but the White House's IT staff has exploited a loophole in the law, making every effort to keep the public from finding out about this information.

The technical means through which the Bush Administration is suppressing the information is use of a robots file, which restricts the ability of search engine to catalog a web page. With the robot restrictions in place, for example, Google cannot "spider" those restricted web pages.

Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry has launched a radio and television ad assault on the current administration's information repression policy. Here is one short radio ad's text:

How is it that John Ashcroft can view your library and bookstore purchase records, but you can't find supposedly public information regarding the Iraq war or the Department of Homeland Security on www.whitehouse.gov? As your president, I will share all information with you. I'm John Kerry, and I approve of this message.

The Kerry campaign has also launched a massive web blitz, urging people to link to the list of repressed websites at this address: http://www.whitehouse.gov/robots.txt. Through increased exposure, the campaign argues, Americans will learn just to what extend the Bush administration wants to hide information from the public.

White House officials argue that there is no conspiracy, no coverup of information. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan: "All of the information disallowed in the robots file is merely to conserve bandwidth by minimizing search engine traffic. Any citizen can go to whitehouse.gov and use the site map, or the site search functionality to find all of this information. It is available for public consumption, in accordance with all of the laws and regulations in place."

Members of the information technology community remain unimpressed with the web restrictions, as well as the reaction to it. "A robots.txt file cannot suppress information, and cannot be enforced by any technology. It's an 'on your honor' system. A rogue search engine could ignore the robots restrictions, cataloging each and every link on a website," says Martijn Koster, a respected expert on web search technology.

"Also, the Kerry campaign has greatly overblown this issue. Take a look at the whitehouse.gov robots.txt file. It's mostly just info of some historical or press-release nature. Does Google really need to give a high page rank to the 2004 state easter eggs, or tee ball pictures from 2003? If you think there's some hidden agenda going on, go search the robots.txt file yourself."

Girl still has hope for dog lost over Hoover Dam

"i hope this person didn't lose their dog, because that would just be sad."

Djibouti, Africa -- A girl here is still holding out hope that a dog lost over the Hoover Dam in Nevada may have been found.

Linking on her website to what appears to be a photograph from a family vacation photo album, her web page shows an image of a dog chasing a Frisbee over the edge of the Hoover Dam, with a man, presumably his owner, watching in horror as his dog falls 726 feet to his presumably untimely end.

Calls to the Hoover Dam visitor center to find out more about the dog in the photo have gone unanswered, but Marvin Hagworth, spokesman for the Bureau of Reclamation (which operates the dam) made these comment:

At a height of over seven hundred twenty feet, it's unlikely that a dog would survive the fall. In fact, he probably would land on one of the many structures at the bottom of the dam, rather than landing in the water, what with the prevailing winds and the apparent velocity of the dog in the photo, and those structures are made of concrete, so it wouldn't be a soft landing.

I've personally checked with the Dam operators, and they told me that there have been no reports of lost dogs at the Dam, nor any reports of animal carcasses appearing near the base of the dam."

Some animal rights groups have voiced their concern that the Frisbee may have been deliberately thrown over the edge of the dam, citing statistics that most dogs taken on family vacations are then abandoned hundreds or thousands of miles from home. Such a possibility cannot be ruled out at this time.

Spokesman Hagworth could not comment on whether the Hoover Dam visitor center would soon be ordering new warning signs for the visitor areas atop the dam, advising visitors not to throw any Frisbees or old tennis balls. Any such developments, Hagworth assured us, will be made available to the media.

The Djibouti girl, pictured at right, remains cautiously optimistic about the dog's fate. With no definitive evidence of the dog's whereabouts, she says, it's too early to jump to any conclusions.

Urinal Screen Changes Man's Life

"This urinal screen reached out to me and ended my downward spiral into the world of alcohol and illicit drugs."

San Francisco, CA - Robert Raydur, an entrepreneur from Chicago has become the new spokesman for Swisher Hygiene, a company which he credits with saving his life. On a business trip to San Francisco, Raydur stopped in the B Spot restaurant to use the restroom, where he saw Swisher's trademark urinal screen with its "Say No to Drugs" message.

"I went to the bathroom just before leaving the restaurant. I was planning to use drugs. Then I saw the screen at the bottom of the urinal. My life has been changed ever since that moment," Raydur told reporters.

"My family had tried to introduce me to Jesus, take me to AA meetings, but none of it worked. It's as if I had to hit bottom in my life, and that bottom was right at the base of that urinal."

Raydur will be touring the country, selling Swisher Hygiene products and services largely to fast food franchises, touting the strong anti-drug messages found on Swisher's urinal products.

John Kerry reveals platform: ''I'm Still Not Bush!''

John Kerry Thursday night unveiled his campaign platform before the Democratic Convention, to the delight of the party delegates who selected him. "I'm still not Bush and I never will be!" Kerry shouted to cheering crowds of delegates. Party leaders are pleased with Kerry's platform, and believe it will lead him to victory.In his acceptance speech, John Kerry laid out three facets of his campaign platform:

1. I am still not George W Bush.
2. I never will be George W Bush.
3. Did I mention I went to Vietnam?

"The first two points are designed to appeal to the hard-core liberal elements of the Democratic party: the gay marriage advocates, the government health care proponents, the 'We hate that election-stealer Bush' element," Kerry strategist Tad Devine explained. "The third point we believe will convince swing voters that John Kerry is really the man they want to be president."

Kerry strategists believe that if Kerry can successfully convey these three key messages to the American public, that they will pull the voting lever for him.

"What's going to be really important for Kerry is to get these points out in every single speech he makes," Devine said. "Every sentence, every word he speaks has to say 'I'm not George W Bush' or reflect back on his time in Vietnam."

In fact, Kerry's acceptance speech included references to Vietnam no fewer than thirty-eight times, which works out to nearly one Vietnam mention per minute.

John Kerry and his campaign managers will do everything in their power to get out the message that he's not George W Bush. "Fingerprints, blood or urine tests," said Kerry campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill. "We will prove to the American voters that John Kerry is still not George W Bush."