Weekly World News losing Key Zombie Demographic

Undead respond to allegations of terrorist ties

The undead population has called for a boycott of the Weekly World News
and the resignation of the executive management of the newspaper following publication of their August 7th issue featuring the article "Homeland Security Chief Warns Bush...Terrorists Recruiting Zombie Army to Invade US."

"Zombies are not terrorists," declared Ed Johnson, spokesman for the Zombies United For America campaign. "This story from [WWN] is nothing but blatant lies and the zombie community will not stand by as such horrible allegations are made."

Undead readership, which once made up a healthy percentage of the yearly subscribers to the newspaper, has dwindled to just 5% of the total readers, according to sources within Weekly World News, and continues to fall as the boycott enters its third week. ZUFA reps report that undead have largely turned to alternative news sources such as Byzantine Communications' own It's News, Dammit! publication.

ZUFA spokesman Johnson saysthat the group has not ruled out filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of subscribers, and is definitely pursuing a federal case of discrimination. "Zombies are not second-class citizens. Weekly World News could not have made such allegations against any other race or group without an enormous backlash, and this case is no different."

How to Cope with Lost Endorsements?

Dear Byzantine News Financial Experts,



Due to an upcoming felony sexual assault trial, several of the companies who have given me endorsement deals have pulled out of their contracts with me, or are considering it. This has left me in a very difficult situation, as I will now have to support my wife and daughter entirely on my more than ten million dollar NBA contract. How would you suggest I make ends meet?



Short on Cash B-ball Player
Dear Short on Cash,

We understand the hardships that a financial situation such as yours can cause, and we know that if you follow our advice, you will be able to make it through these rough times. We are not saying it will be easy, but we will help you to make the most of the dollars you have.

The first step you need to take is to examine your monthly budget. You can't expect to save money if you don't know exactly how you're spending it. You will need to sit down with your credit card statements, loan bills, and utility bills to see where your money is going. We've put together a sample for you below:

    Mortgage $25,000

   Auto Loans $11,200

   Electricity $ 1,250

   Internet Access $ 50

   Wild Parties $15,000

   Gasoline $ 2,500

   Dining Out $ 5,000

   Clothing $10,000

   Shoes $ 500

   Groceries $ 1,000

   Security System $ 400

   Sharpie Markers $ 50

   Whores for buddies $ 9,500

Figuring out your current budget is half the battle. Once you've identified where your money is going, now you can figure out where to cut to stay within your salary. First you need to identify what expenses are fixed (like your mortgage, or auto loan payments). Then for the rest of your expenses, you can decide whether you can cut them down, or eliminate them outright. For instance, you could very easily cut fifty dollars from your electric budget if you switch to energy-efficient fluorescent light bulbs in your homes. And if you set your friends up with some skanky sluts instead of expensive call girls, you could completely eliminate any prostitute-related expenses from your budget. That's a savings of nearly ten thousand dollars!

So just by taking these simple steps, we're confident that you can weather this difficult time in your career, and come out stronger, because you know now how to best spend your money. Good luck!

PETA publishes list of animals ''it's OK to eat''

In a radical departure from their fanatical support of animal rights and traditional pro-vegetarian/vegan diets, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have today published a list on their web site, www.peta.org, of animals that it's ok to eat.

PETA spokeswoman Rita Oppenstein explains: "We understand that our extreme views are hard for some people to swallow. Combined with our radical tactics for reducing unnecessary harm to animals, we've actually started to lose touch with mainstream America. Our newest campaign will help us to regain their support."

The list of animals for which PETA will no longer support the animals' rights includes seals, whales, shar-peis, emus, buffalos, and nearly a dozen other animals. Some animals that didn't make the cut: cows, parakeets, chickens, and pigs.

"It's not that we don't still care greatly about these animals," said Oppenstein. "We've just come to realize that we must pick our battles wisely. We can no longer expect our radicalism to reach the minds of America's youth, as well as the growing population of elderly Americans. So we've picked some animals that we felt could serve as animal martyrs, giving their own flesh to support the rights of all animals. This group of 'ok to eat' animals aren't the ugliest, but they're certainly not pretty; they're not the smartest, and they are not the tastiest -- but they will make for a good transition. We're going to ease Americans into an animal rights lifestyle, one meal at a time."

Not all PETA members support the new policy, even though Oppenstein claims it to be a temporary measure. Throughout the weekend, PETA headquarters were picketed by angry groups of ex-members. A new group was even formed in San Francisco: REPETA (Radically Enraged People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). REPETA vows to continue with the original, true intents and methods of those people who truly care for animals.