John Kerry reveals platform: ''I'm Still Not Bush!''

John Kerry Thursday night unveiled his campaign platform before the Democratic Convention, to the delight of the party delegates who selected him. "I'm still not Bush and I never will be!" Kerry shouted to cheering crowds of delegates. Party leaders are pleased with Kerry's platform, and believe it will lead him to victory.In his acceptance speech, John Kerry laid out three facets of his campaign platform:

1. I am still not George W Bush.
2. I never will be George W Bush.
3. Did I mention I went to Vietnam?

"The first two points are designed to appeal to the hard-core liberal elements of the Democratic party: the gay marriage advocates, the government health care proponents, the 'We hate that election-stealer Bush' element," Kerry strategist Tad Devine explained. "The third point we believe will convince swing voters that John Kerry is really the man they want to be president."

Kerry strategists believe that if Kerry can successfully convey these three key messages to the American public, that they will pull the voting lever for him.

"What's going to be really important for Kerry is to get these points out in every single speech he makes," Devine said. "Every sentence, every word he speaks has to say 'I'm not George W Bush' or reflect back on his time in Vietnam."

In fact, Kerry's acceptance speech included references to Vietnam no fewer than thirty-eight times, which works out to nearly one Vietnam mention per minute.

John Kerry and his campaign managers will do everything in their power to get out the message that he's not George W Bush. "Fingerprints, blood or urine tests," said Kerry campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill. "We will prove to the American voters that John Kerry is still not George W Bush."

DECLASSIFIED: JFK could have ended Vietnam War with Undead Soldiers

Documents recently declassified through the Freedom of Information Act showing a secret Pentagon project in 1960 to train zombie soldiers; other documents indicate that President Kennedy refused to allow the military to take those undead soldiers into Vietnam, favoring traditional military techniques instead.Washington, DC -- President Kennedy's refusal to allow the Pentagon to send highly-trained zombie soldiers into Vietnam may be responsible for the United State's decade-plus long involvement in the war, experts say after reviewing the declassified documents.

The documents detailing the 1960 zombie training program paint a picture of a dedicated faction of military scientists working to prevent military casualties. The project, according to the documents, was immensely successful, with training exercises and simulations showing civilian casualty rates near zero percent, friendly fire casualties also down significantly. Perhaps most significantly, the documents state that the zombie soldiers could have replaced the entire front line of the US military in Vietnam, protecting our own soldiers behind a wall of unstoppable fighting creatures.

"I don't even need to tell you how many lives this could have saved," said Philbert McNamey, a military historian specializing in the Vietnam War. "With this army of undead soldiers under our control, we could have saved Vietnam from falling to Communism, or even have marched this army into China and the U.S.S.R. to completely erradicate the communist threat."

A source close to the Kennedy family, speaking anonymously, says it was JFK's Catholic upbringing that ultimately kept him from approving the use of the zombies. "Voodoo and the black arts [which turn dead bodies into zombies] are seen as sinful, and the tools of Satan according to the Roman Catholic catechism. John couldn't justify using the tools of the devil to attack communism, as evil as communism itself may have been. 'You can fight fire with fire,' JFK said, 'but you can't fight evil with the tools of the devil.'"

Nader outraged by ''This Land Is Your Land'' political satire web cartoon

"Why ain't I in it?" Nader demands of the creators, the Spiridellis brothers, who have this three minute long cartoon song and dance posted at their website JibJab.comHeralded as this weeks fastest-spreading non-virus email, people around the country are sharing the link to this web parody of President George Bush and presidential-hopeful John Kerry.

Ralph Nader has objected to the widespread viewing of this cartoon, because it purports to show America it's choices for the November election, but it leaves out the Nader Choice™.

"I have a strong following among young people with technological skills," Nader said to a reporter. "Given the blueprints for this web cartoon, I'm sure we could work in some images of me, and Peter Camejo too."

Nader even offered up some suggested lyrics for his refrain in the song:

This land is your land

This land is my land

I really want to

Get e-lected.

Please vote for me,

I'm really the best shot we got.

This land should really vote for me.

Many Nader supporters are complaining of disenfranchisement, because the Republican and Democrat candidates are getting free exposure from this video, but their man is nowhere to be found. "I don't know if it's illegal to make a video like this, leaving out a major presidential contender," says Melanie, one Nader supporter, "but it should be."

When asked if the Libertarian candidate should appear in the video as well, Melanie replied that Libertarians are stupid and should go jump off a bridge.

Choosy viruses choose Google, survey shows

More than three-quarters of Internet worms and viruses use Google as their default search engine to retrieve email addresses, according to a study by eWeek, a computer technology trade journal.Google suffered an onslaught of automated searches Monday as unwitting computer users infected their computers with the latest MyDoom computer virus. This variant of the virus expands on previous versions by searching the Internet for additional email addresses to infect. According to technology experts, the sub-variants of this virus that are spreading the fastest are those which make use of the Google search engine. The virus has also affected several other search engines, including Yahoo, Lycos and AltaVista, but to a far lesser extent.

"Google is proud to host the world's largest and freshest index of the World Wide Web," says Google co-founder Larry Page. "We're also quite popular, it seems, among those who surf the darker side of the 'Net."

According to eWeek, a vast majority, 78%, of the brunt of the MyDoom virus wrath was born by Google. Yahoo came in second with 15%, with Lycos and AltaVista soaking up most of the rest of the hits.

For several hours on Monday, people around the globe found Google and the other search engines to be slow or completely unresponsive. Google has responded with additional server capacity and countermeasures to reduce the flow of data from the computer viruses.

Governor Schwarzeneggar: ''I will call you Girlie Men until you pass my budget

Taking an aggressive, vocal stance not seen among Republicans for some years, Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar has stuck by his guns, not only refusing to apologize for calling the Democratic players involved in the budget process "Girlie Men" but also promising to continue calling them "Girlie Men" until they pass his budget.
"For far too long, Republicans in this state and nationwide have capitulated to the rants and complaints of Democratic Girlie Men in our state halls of democracy and our national Congress," Schwarzeneggar spoke Tuesday morning to a group of reporters. "We Republicans must put our feet down, and hold to our ideals of a limited government that leaves money and freedom and responsibility in the hands of our citizen, not in the pockets of our Girlie Men politicians."

Schwarzeneggar's comments have enraged California's homosexuals, who feel the term "Girlie Men" is derisive and insulting to gay people. By most polls, though, Californians think that those upset by the comments should "get a life" and stop being such "wussies".

Women in California's legislature have also complained. Schwarzeneggar's spokesperson has told reporters that "the Governor is still working on a good insult for them, since they're just as bad as the Girlie Men in the budget process."

Travelocity Sues Expedia over ''Traveling Troll'' Mascot

"Expedia's media blitz of 'Travelling Troll' ads infringes on Travelocity's trademark 'Roaming Gnome' promotion," say lawyers representing Travelocity. Salt Lake City, UT -- Laywers representing online firm Travelocity have filed a suit in the federal court system today, alleging that competitor Expedia is unfairly copying Travelocity's 'Roaming Gnome' with a copycat set of ads featuring a 'Traveling Troll'.

Travelocity has valid US and European Union trademarks for their 'Roaming Gnome' mascot. The gnome, featured in Travelocity radio and television ads, has been abducted by vacationing hostage-takers and is subjected to incredible airline ticket costs and unbeatable hotel deals.

A spokesperson for Expedia denied allegations of producing copycat advertisements. The spokesperson told reporters that Expedia has been advertising for more a year now with the 'Traveling Troll' ads in Australia and the South Pacific, and just recently expanded the ad campaign to the United States.

"If anything, it is Travelocity who has copied us, not vice versa," said the spokesperson. "Travelocity unveiled their gnome ad campaign only a few months ago, while we have been running our troll campaign for more than a year." According to the spokesperson, Expedia will request that the judge drop the case, and has threatened to countersue Travelocity.

Wisconsin town raises taxes to print up ''obvious'' signs

South Milwaukee, WI - Funded by a city ordinance that has raised sales taxes by a quarter of a percent, city departments have started posting signs around the city that residents have dubbed "signs of the obvious."Surprisingly, few city residents oppose the obvious signage that has been springing up throughout the city. "These signs can only make our city safer," says one resident.

The new signs include those listed below, some of which are out on the streets and others which are in the final stages of manufacture:

• MONDAY GARBAGE WILL BE PICKED UP ON MONDAY
• AVOID ONCOMING TRAFFIC: KEEP RIGHT
• SIDEWALKS ARE FOR WALKING
• 24 HOUR POLICE HOTLINE OPEN 24 HOURS

City officials were hard-pressed to provide details on what the intended effect of the new sign initiative is. "We just want people to know stuff," city councilpersons all agreed.