Governor Schwarzeneggar: ''I will call you Girlie Men until you pass my budget

Taking an aggressive, vocal stance not seen among Republicans for some years, Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar has stuck by his guns, not only refusing to apologize for calling the Democratic players involved in the budget process "Girlie Men" but also promising to continue calling them "Girlie Men" until they pass his budget.
"For far too long, Republicans in this state and nationwide have capitulated to the rants and complaints of Democratic Girlie Men in our state halls of democracy and our national Congress," Schwarzeneggar spoke Tuesday morning to a group of reporters. "We Republicans must put our feet down, and hold to our ideals of a limited government that leaves money and freedom and responsibility in the hands of our citizen, not in the pockets of our Girlie Men politicians."

Schwarzeneggar's comments have enraged California's homosexuals, who feel the term "Girlie Men" is derisive and insulting to gay people. By most polls, though, Californians think that those upset by the comments should "get a life" and stop being such "wussies".

Women in California's legislature have also complained. Schwarzeneggar's spokesperson has told reporters that "the Governor is still working on a good insult for them, since they're just as bad as the Girlie Men in the budget process."

Travelocity Sues Expedia over ''Traveling Troll'' Mascot

"Expedia's media blitz of 'Travelling Troll' ads infringes on Travelocity's trademark 'Roaming Gnome' promotion," say lawyers representing Travelocity. Salt Lake City, UT -- Laywers representing online firm Travelocity have filed a suit in the federal court system today, alleging that competitor Expedia is unfairly copying Travelocity's 'Roaming Gnome' with a copycat set of ads featuring a 'Traveling Troll'.

Travelocity has valid US and European Union trademarks for their 'Roaming Gnome' mascot. The gnome, featured in Travelocity radio and television ads, has been abducted by vacationing hostage-takers and is subjected to incredible airline ticket costs and unbeatable hotel deals.

A spokesperson for Expedia denied allegations of producing copycat advertisements. The spokesperson told reporters that Expedia has been advertising for more a year now with the 'Traveling Troll' ads in Australia and the South Pacific, and just recently expanded the ad campaign to the United States.

"If anything, it is Travelocity who has copied us, not vice versa," said the spokesperson. "Travelocity unveiled their gnome ad campaign only a few months ago, while we have been running our troll campaign for more than a year." According to the spokesperson, Expedia will request that the judge drop the case, and has threatened to countersue Travelocity.

Wisconsin town raises taxes to print up ''obvious'' signs

South Milwaukee, WI - Funded by a city ordinance that has raised sales taxes by a quarter of a percent, city departments have started posting signs around the city that residents have dubbed "signs of the obvious."Surprisingly, few city residents oppose the obvious signage that has been springing up throughout the city. "These signs can only make our city safer," says one resident.

The new signs include those listed below, some of which are out on the streets and others which are in the final stages of manufacture:

• MONDAY GARBAGE WILL BE PICKED UP ON MONDAY
• AVOID ONCOMING TRAFFIC: KEEP RIGHT
• SIDEWALKS ARE FOR WALKING
• 24 HOUR POLICE HOTLINE OPEN 24 HOURS

City officials were hard-pressed to provide details on what the intended effect of the new sign initiative is. "We just want people to know stuff," city councilpersons all agreed.

Howard Dean sends belated ''Happy Birthday'' e-card to United States of America

Card features multi-colored birds carrying cakes with the text: "Guess the time flew by... Happy Late Birdie"."I wanted to let America know that I'm still thinking about it, even if the thought has arrived a little late. But it's the thought that counts, right?" Dean posited to reporters.

America celebrated its two hundred twenty-eighth birthday this past July 4th. On that date, the thirteen colonies put forth their declaration of independence from England.

President Bush thanked Howard Dean for his patriotism and birthday spirit, and felt sure that "Howard must have had a very good reason not to send America his birthday wishes on time."

Handicapped demand equal access in several new lawsuits

Several class-action lawsuits have currently begun in California, following the landmark decision in neighboring Oregon that movie theaters have to better accomodate wheelchair-bound people in stadium seating theaters.The class action lawsuits include:

• 24 Hour Fitness is being sued on the grounds that their treadmills do not meet the Americans with Disabilities Act guidelines. The plaintiffs are demanding that wider treadmills be installed, so that those in wheelchairs can ride their wheelchairs on the treadmills. Also, ramps up to the treadmill surface need to be installed.
• Several gyms with artificial rock-climbing walls are being sued on the grounds that the rock walls lack elevators for the disabled to be able to reach the top of the walls.
• Adult night clubs are being sued on the grounds that their stages are not wide enough to accomodate wheelchair-bound strippers. Also, ramps to the tops of the patrons' tables need to be provided to allow the crippled strippers to table-dance.

Trial laywers have been boosted by the Supreme Court's decision not to hear defendants arguments in the movie theater stadium seating case, and have hastily assembled these class action suits in order to "cash in" on the judicial precedent.

A Los Angeles strip club patron, who refused to be named, had this to say: "I'm all in favor of treating people right. But there's nothing sexy, to me at least, about a girl in a wheelchair. What's next? Are they going to demand ramps so they can drive their wheelchairs up on my lap to give me a lap dance?"

John Edward's Third, Fourth Nipples Face Intense Media Scrutiny

John Kerry defends his choice in Vice Presidential candidates: "Neither a man's nipples nor the number of them should have any bearing on a presidential election."Washinton, DC -- FOX News and MSNBC have obtained exclusive photographs that each show a different superfluous nipple on John Edwards. The photo on FOX shows Edwards at a beach, with an extra nipple showing on the lower left side of his chest, while the photo running on MSNBC was obtained from an unnamed doctor who once treated Edwards; this photo clearly shows another nipple just below his right nipple.

Dermatological experts have appeared on both networks, as well as on CNN, to discuss the issue. All of the doctors interviewed agree that these photos do in fact show the presense of two extra nipples.

The Democratic National Committee, due to meet this week to formally nominate Kerry/Edwards, insists that Edward's extra nipples does not diminish his ability to lead the country in the event that Kerry should be elected and die while in office. "In fact," said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe, "many great leaders throughout history have been known to have extra nipples. John Kerry is actually a little jealous of Edwards because of this." McAuliffe did not mention any names of the supposedly extra-nippled statesmen.

Edwards is reported to have lashed out at a reporter who questioned whether his superfluous nipples were pierced. Edwards denies telling the reporter "Up yours, bitch!" in response to her questioning, saying that it's completely untrue and his words may have been taken out of context.

New children's bedtime lullabyes borrow from urban rap

A popular trend is emerging amongst writers of children's bedtime lullabyes: the use of hardcore rap music and lyrics as the basis for the songs. The League of Christian Voters has denounced the trend as sinful, while the NAACP applauds the trend for "the unique ability to expose our children in a soothing way to the struggles of the African Americans in our inner cities."
"Waldo" McCarthy can be found at this cutting edge of children's bedtime lullabye
s; in fact, many experts credit him as one of the first musicians to create this new style (several other artists simultaneously, independently began experimenting with this new style in late 1998). Waldo's seminal "Gin & Juice" lullabye, adapted from Snoop Dogg's "Gin & Juice", can be found on the Charles Balter solo album here.

Childhood development psychologists are split over whether these new lullabyes are safe or harmful for children. Some experts point out that the melodies are soothing, and that children don't even know what the cuss words in the songs mean, and can't see that the songs frequently endorse or support drug and alcohol abuse, treatment of women as sexual objects, and the glorification of criminal activities. Other experts contend that these lullabyes will only serve to indoctrinate children into this debased culture, and that the songs should only be listened to by adults, if at all.

Musicians like Waldo frequently don't get involved in the fray. "I never use the words 'children' or 'lullabye' anywhere on my album cover art or in any advertisements I produce or endorse. This is simply my art; I let people take it as they may. I certainly don't intend for people to allow my albums, or television or video games for that matter, to raise their children, but the choice is theirs."