Gubernatorial Debate hosted by Jerry Springer Ends Predicatably

Media, voters not surprised as latest California debate ends with bitch slaps, torn shirts, and accusations of sleeping with other candidates wives/husbands/secret lovers.

California voters saw it coming when Jerry Springer announced that he'd arranged for a debate with the leading gubernatorial candidates in the state's recall election. The debate started off well enough. Members of the studio audience asked the candidates questions, ranging from how to jump start the state's sluggish economy, to whether the candidates social beliefs were even relevant in this race. Then things turned ugly.

Cruz Bustamante had just finished explaining his stance on gay rights in California, when Jerry announced he had a special guest back stage who had something he wanted to share with Cruz. It turned out to be Jorge Gambona, a former comrade from MeCHA, who'd shared an intimate sexual experience with Bustamante; he wanted to rekindle their relationship, but Bustamante would have nothing of it.

When Gambona lept for Bustamante, Schwarzeneggar cut in, grabbed Gambona by the collar and dragged him offstage. "I'll be back," he announced as he went to the door to toss Gambona into the street.

McClintock meanwhile defended himself against the allegations that he has had sex with chickens. The audience booed him as he tried to change the subject towards the state's failing workers compensation system.

Ariana Huffington, officially no longer running attended the debate anyway, and announced that she would have slept with Arnold to boost her own campaign. The Terminator denied having any interest in her, and Arnold's wife ran from her seat in the audience, slapping Huffington and tearing off her blouse before she was restrained.

Springer's final word was sobering:

When politicians bicker and brawl, it's the voters who pay. The politicians who run the fine state of California owe it to their constituency to make the best decisions on their behalf. When they fight, we all lose.

Transcripts of the show are available at www.jerryspringer.com, and a DVD/VHS video will be available in two weeks.

California Immigration Scandal Exposed!

Laws seemingly passed to help illegal immigrants actually sponsored by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security as a way to round up illegal aliens and deport them; Minority groups outraged

San Clemente, CA - Julio Ramirez showed up Monday at his neighborhood DMV, eager to apply for a California state driver's license, now that Governor Gray Davis has passed a bill allowing undocumented non-citizens to obtain drivers licenses. What he found instead was armed National Guard troops, rounding up illegal immigrants for deportation to their home countries.

Julio's fate was shared by thousands of illegals across the state as federal agents and National Guard troops detained these people for questioning and deportation.

Tom Ridge, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security made this stunning revelation at 3pm PDT on Monday:

California's pro-illegal immigrant laws were nothing more than a way to entrap illegal aliens in our country, so that we may remove them. These bills were developed within the Department, and provided to California legislators to introduce into their legislative process.

Frankly, we were surprised with how well these bills were received. We felt that the legislators would see right through them, for what the bills are -- a way to make it far easier to enforce existing Federal immigration laws.

The California Democrats took the bills adopted them right into their liberal socialism strategies and plans. We at the Department of Homeland Security couldn't have been more pleased.

All illegal aliens detained by our troops and agents will be questioned and promptly deported to their country of origin.

California Democrats are outraged, while Republicans praised the Federal government for using these new California laws to root out illegals in our country.

Outside of Sacramento, legal residents of California still don't understand why the Democrats were so in favor of these laws. One citizen on the street had this to say:

Even if the Democrats couldn't realize that this was sponsored by the Department of Homeland Security, they should have spotted some errors in their rationale.

I mean, first off, why is a state sponsoring legislation that runs completely counter to federal laws? By doing so, they risk losing out on money normally provided by the U.S. government.

Second, why would their constituents support such legislation? Presumably, the Democrats get most votes from minorities. It's the case that many minorities make less money than white people. So see if you can follow along with this: we're giving more rights and privileges (free college education, drivers licenses) to illegal immigrants. This is only going to make more illegals want to cross over. These undocumented workers often get paid paltry amounts, usually under the table. With a steady stream of people who will accept this low pay, there's no pressure on employers to pay better. But the illegals get free college! They get to better themselves...at the expense of the legal residents, and quite likely they'll displace the legal residents, leaving the legal, voting minority citizens in worse shape than before illegals were given all these privileges? How the Dem's pulled that over their heads, I don't know.

California legislators pledge to stop smoking crack

"Illegal Immigrants driving? Going to our schools for free? What were we thinking?"

Sacramento, CA - The Democrat majority of California's legislature announced Saturday their plans to stop smoking crack and start cracking down on stupid laws they've already passed.

"All I can say is that they sounded like good ideas at the time. I can honestly say that the Democratic majority of California's state government realizes now why [cocaine] is illegal," said California Senate Majority Leader Don Perata, explaining to the state's citizens why the government has been passing such non-sensical laws recently.

Majority Whip Richard Alarcón added: "First we decided to give driving rights to illegal immigrants. Then we gave them free college tuition. Thank God we came to our senses before we voted on Governor Davis' latest idea, giving all the illegal immigrants 3,200 square foot homes in Malibu."

Governor Gray Davis meanwhile has vehemently denied rumors that he pressured his fellow Democrats into smoking crack in the first place. "I can assure you that I have no involvement in their crack cocaine addictions. What they do on their own time, or while the legislature is in session, is strictly up to them and their constituents. If they are smoking crack, it must be because the voters of California want it this way."

When asked if he thought using illicit drugs in the halls of government was a good idea, Gray waffled around the question: "Now as I've already stated, this is obviously the will of the California voters. Whether this is a good idea or not is up to them. As their governor, I am responsible for signing or vetoing the bills provided to me by the legislators. It is not my job to decide whether these laws are good, moral laws."

California Republicans have unconditionally condemned the smoking of crack cocaine within the legislature. Republican leaders have expressed their outrage, and announced a formal investigation, possibly resulting in criminal trials on behalf of the citizens of California.